Depp - The Disasters

Apparently it was Johnny Depp's birthday the other day....(yes, since I'm mentioning it now, its just further proof on how out of the loop I am.) I know that some of you love him, but I think he's weird. Not like 'I eat bugs' weird, but more like 'I talk with 4 different accents in one conversation weird.'

Anyways, I don't think that I've ever been a big fan of his. I thought that it was just a little too far fetched.....you know the whole boy with scissors for hands thing. And then there was 'What's Eating Gilbert Grape'.....but lets be honest...I was too busy starring at Leonardo DiCaprio to even care about Johnny Depp...(quick side note, that was back when Leo was hot....and I do think that was the general consensus back then, so don't be giving me the side-eye about liking chunky guys.)

But truthfully, the movie where he completely lost me was the shiteous remake of 'Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.' The original is quite easily in my top 5 favorite movies of all time (don't judge... I'm pretty sure that you probably like some ridiculously gay movie as well.) Anyways, he destroyed the remake. What in the name of pervy movie character hell did he think he was doing? Really, he turned an eccentric chocolatier (played by Gene Wilder) into a creepy pervy candy peddler. (And No....for all of you die hard Depp fanatics, I refuse to take that back.) And the haircut on Willy Wonka....what the eff was going on there?

I finally saw 'Alice in Wonderland' with basically the same general conclusion. The Mad Hatter is a bizarre character at best, but what was with all of the accents? (...yes, he had more than one) and the huge eyes? It looked like they superimposed Puss in Boots' eyes from Shrek.

Don't get me wrong....I mean, he was a good Jack Sparrow in 'The Pirates of the Carribean' and he was good in 'Blow' too. Its not that I don't enjoy the movies he's in, he just gives me the heebies. Especially if he's teamed up with Tim Burton, but I won't even get started on Tim Burton .....

Summer....Fashion Faux-pas Extravaganza

My uncle stopped over the other day and I was reminded of one of my biggest summer pet peeves....socks with sandals. So it got me to thinking (a dangerous past time, I know....and if you realize that I just scooped that line from Disney's Beauty and the Beast, you're cooler than I thought.)

Here are my top summer pet peeves....and ones that happen all too often.


SOCKS WITH SANDALS

....Seriously...either go the sock route or go the sandal route. This is not cool. (and yes, my husband does this....no matter how often I tell him he looks like a fool, he just doesn't care). Really...think about it....its like wearing long johns under your swimsuit. The whole point of sandals is to let your feet breathe....so why stick them in a sock?

Besides....

a) your socks will just get dirty
b) you look like an idiot (hey someone has to tell you!)


THE BANANA HAMMOCK

Yes, I know that supposedly these are all the rage in Europe. Well, here in Canada it tends to get chilly...even when its hot out, it can turn to be chilly within ten minutes and according to the law of shrinkage that you guys claim, these awesome suits will do nothing for showing off the goods. So stick to some board shorts....trust me...it will be to your advantage. That and did you ever notice that the guys wearing banana hammocks are never the ones that you want to?

(eww....and gold...I mean really...could he be any flashier?)

TUBE TOPS

Take a toque, then cut the top off and shimmy it over your boobs....there you go...you have a tube top. See how ridiculous that sounds....guess what...it looks just as ridiculous. Plus...last I checked its not 1985....(yes, I know that some of you wish it was 1985...but sorry about your luck...Def Leppard will never top the charts again...although if you need a back up singer for "Pour some Sugar on Me," I'm your girl.)


BRA STRAPS WITH SPAGHETTI STRAPS

I thought that this was sort of common knowledge, but apparently not. Plus, when this happens it isn't some cute little black strap that is showing. Its always some trashy pilled up dinge-y whitish bra strap showing. Either

a)don't wear a bra....(...only if you have tiny boobs and you can pull this off....otherwise, this could start a whole new round of pet peeves.)
b)wear a shirt with wider straps to cover the not-so sexy bra
c) buy a cute bra strappy- bra for the special occasions when you are planning on wearing a spaghetti strap outfit.

Nothing yells Gutter Sl*t like a trashy old bra showing under your spaghetti straps....hey, I'm just saying.

I know that these tips sound like common sense, but I'm sure that I've just helped thousands of people back from the brink of hideous summer attire....that is if thousands of you read it.

The Lone Taco

I love weekends. Well, weekends when I actually have exciting things to do. This past weekend, I got to catch up with Butter Ripple Liquorlips and Viola En Vogue. I don't often see them, so it was a good time.

Now everyone in the world has a different sense of style (except for those poor sheep who only wear what 'the man' deems as cool....nevermind...thats me....only I'm like 3 years behind whats cool.) Anyways, Butter Ripple has her own sense of style far different from the rest of the world....or at least far different from me.....which isn't necessarily bad.

Viola and Butter Ripple both have a deep love for leggings. I however do not and keep hoping that leggings are on their way out...but so far, no such luck. I mean I always thought the rule was, 'if you wore the item when it was first trendy (80's), you can't wear it during the next trend cycle (now).' Apparently Butter Ripple and Viola don't adhere to this rule. But then again, I don't think that Butter Ripple adheres to any fashion rules.

I didn't say much when she wore the headband with the giant green feather, and I zipped my lips when she went with the hobo hat/toque do...(in the summer), but this is where I had to draw the line.
Just when I thought I could detest Butter Ripple's fashion sense anymore, I spied her wearing these hot items.

Just what the heck are they? you ask....they're tacos.... (although they could easily be debated as pitas or falafels....even though I'm not quite sure what the requirements of a falafel are.) But she made them and she claims that they're tacos....so there you go.

Not just any ol' tacos though....these ones are earrings. (ok...so that might be a little obvious from the picture above.)

and she lost one.

So if you happen to be in/around Calgary airport....keep your eyes open....

you may come across a lonely taco.

The Worst Song of the Year

I almost feel bad for posting this video....because its that awful.

Remember the Vengaboys.... think back to 1998 and that goofy 'We Like to Party' song....it was catchy....(obviously because I still remember it....that and it was really the same line repeated over and over again.)

Now they have teamed up with Perez Hilton (you know that celebrity blogger that everyone loves to hate....the one who dresses like a four year old on a sugar rush.) Well they came out with this little gem....and it is beyond bad.

Go ahead watch a little clip....but be warned....a 10 second clip is more than enough to catch the gist of 'er.



Yep...that's right a Rocket to Uranus. I think that I would rather stay on Earth awaiting its imminent implosion than hop on that rocket.

So there you have it....worst song....ever.

Anyways....after you're done scratching out your eyeballs, I hope you have a nice day.

p.s. Did anyone else notice that those women look a little manly....or is it just me....perhaps they really are the venga'boys'

Why Can't........

Ok...so apparently there is this new "why" trend....

So what you do is go to the google home page and type 'why'

in this case, I typed "why can't'

Here's what people are wondering....and I'll see if I can't try to help (because I'm helpful like that....seriously...don't give me that look....I am.)

1. Why can't I own a Canadian?

Well.........You can own a Canadian. I happen to own two....what you need to do is fornicate with another Canadian....and bingo bango....viola....a baby Canadian. Congratulations....you are the new owner of a Canadian. That and technically if we keep going immigrant crazy letting every terrorist and fruitcake under the sun in, I'm thinking that a good way to make money would be to auction them off....but I can't see the Conservatives going for that.

2. Why can't dogs eat chocolate?

Good question. But contrary to popular belief, most of our chocolate nowadays, isn't really much chocolate. Infact, when Bing (yes, that is my dogs name....imaginative I know....Bingo with no "o") was a puppy he ate an entire box of Pot of Gold Chocolates, I was horrified and phoned the vet....they claimed that most of that kind of chocolate is actually wax (YUM! - by the way that is my sarcastic font.) So no harm done. - Just as a side note...Bing is an extraordinary dog and has been run over, eaten antifreeze, consumed rat poison and been tortured by various children. So yeah....don't feed your dog chocolate....just incase you aren't a cheap as me and don't carry Pot of Gold and you infact carry some 90% cocoa expensive stuff.

3. Why can't I get a boyfriend?

Really...people ask google this. Well there are various possibilities. Do you shower on a regular basis? Do you like Star Trek? Do you like Cool Ranch Doritos?

I haven't a clue....why?

4. Why can't I lose weight?

wow....perhaps this is related to the last question.
Seriously though.... I think this is a little personal. But if you are willing to be creative...you can lose weight. You can't rule out amputation though! I think that if you were to consult a doctor though, he wouldn't reccommend amputation as a viable option....but hey...what do doctors know?

5. Why can't we be friends?

Well this all depends on who you are.
For the most part the answer is sure...we can be friends....I only have a few rules.

1. You cannot lip off Silverchair....really ...Daniel Johns does not look like BoyGeorge....(and if you utter this again...I will be forced to take someone else as my wingman when they play a concert in this country again.)

2. You must like junk food....at least sometimes. You make me feel unhealthy when I eat chips and you eat celery sticks....lets compromise...I will eat a celery stick and then we can eat a bag of chips. Sounds good to me

3. You can be a good dancer...thats ok...but don't be bustin' out your good moves when we're dancing...because it makes me look even worse.

yeah....thats about it.

See...I'm sure that I have helped many people with this little blurb.

You're Welcome. :) I told you I was helpful like that.

Sometimes Its Good To Be The Last To Know

Ok....I'm officially out of the loop.

I'm always the last to know. When the local restaurateur left his family and decided to bat for the other team, I was the last to know. When the big oil spill happened, my father-in-law asked me about it and I had no clue. So it isn't surprising that when I checked out the top searched for things today on google, I had no idea what any of them were.(...ok...I knew one....the student loans was a little obvious.)

So here...we are going to do a little experiment and see just what it is that I don't know about....

GOOGLE TOP SEARCHES

1. Steven Hill....who????...great now I must google this...

fan-f'in-tastic...I figured out who he is and now I wish I didn't know. Let me sum it up for you....ALLEGED murderer and porn star. See what I mean..... I wish I didn't know.

2. van der sloot.....hmmm...might be exciting...sounds exotic....I will check it out and let you know....

seriously....yet another murderer....

this is getting depressing....yet I push on.

3. Stephany Flores Ramirez.....

ok...#2 apparently murdered #3..... good lord....does no one search for bunnies.

4. Bill Austin Kez Cancer ..... I don't like the sounds of this, but it can't be worse than the first 3.....right?

Apparently poor Bill passed away and was a radio host on KEZ....(wherever that is.)

5. Jordan Vandersloot - I'm not even searching it, because I'm pretty sure that is 2's first name....if I'm wrong, let me know.

(Actually don't let me know....unless he is raising baby kittens to donate to needy cat lovers and wears an eclectic garment the color of rainbows.)

6. Paramore photo leak - Well I know what Paramore is....a band....right? So I'm willing to bet its naked photos, otherwise why would everyone be all worked up about it....

yep....I swear I'm part psychic....Miss Cleo's here I come.(I doubt I could be worse than Miss Cleo...although a white chick in that get up can hardly be taken seriously....and now that I think about it, I don't take her seriously either.)

7. Debralee Lorenzana - I haven't a clue....surprise surprise.

woo hoo...finally something not related to death.... She was fired from Citibank for being too hot....I hear ya girl...happens to the best of us....or maybe it would if I ever had a job I could be fired from.(although once my dad fired me....long story...but it wasn't because I was too hot....he mumbled something about being lazy...but really, if he would have paid me more....money beats the lazy right out of me.)

Obviously Citibank is for uglies...I can hear people closing their accounts right now.

8. Q'orianka Kilcher - too tricky to spell to be a porn star....so lets see....hmmm

ha ha...she tied herself to the Whitehouse fence and subsequently got arrested....and you know why her name sounded familiar...she played Pocahontas in "The New World"...you know the one with Colin Farrell in it. (ok..so you probably don't know...because lets be honest...it was boring...a lot of music and trying to teach her to speak.)

9. Student loans.gov - actually the only self-explanatory one on there.

10. Natalee Holloway - this one ties in with #2, #3, and #5. :(


It's true, I am out of the loop....but I think I prefer it that way.

Does anybody look up fun things.....like trampolines, and rainbows, sunshine, crayons, and bunnies????

Apparently not.

From the Depths of Hell

Once in a while I see something that is so horrible I'm sure that it was created in the depths of hell. (Now when I say the depths of hell, I am reminded of Johnny Depp, you know that 'From Hell' movie he was in, which for some of you I imagine was great, but once I saw him in the remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, he lost me.....I mean really, he was too creepy to be a candy man.)

Anyways, back to reality. I hang out at the local Farmers Market every Tuesday(...and I say hang out, because I do more hanging out than I do selling my goods.) So, this past Tuesday was really no different than any other one, except that I had plenty of time to carouse the rest of the goodies there.

Then I discovered these..........popcorn shirts. I strongly dislike them (ok...truthfully, I hate them...but hate seems such a harsh word), maybe partially out of jealousy...since the lady who sells them, sells a ton. But quite seriously...they're ugly too.

I do not get the attraction to these shirts. They start off eensy teensy....small enough to fit a cabbage patch doll and then stretch out to virtually fit anyone! (yet flatter no one.) I swear women over 60 flock to this table to stock up on these shirts(and some who are much younger). (I would tell them how horrible they are, but hey they're 60 or older....that would be rude, because my parents always taught me to respect my elders....even if they're dead wrong....perhaps I should take out the dead part....some of them could be dead wrong.)

They key argument from ladies is that it makes your bust look bigger (which is how I know a man must've invented these)....well that is true....but guess what it does for that muffin top, extra roll, and odd baggage that you're carrying about....it also makes that look bigger. I have seen very slim women try these on only to look ...not so slim....sort of like a soft needled and colored porcupine ....yeah not a good look. Either way, big or small, these shirts are not your friend....they suck any hotness you have right out.

No matter what I say, I know that slowly these little monstrosities are working their way into the senior citizens wardrobes everywhere.

Well perhaps from the depths of hell will be a regular feature....I think next week will be moon sand...which I think I hate more than popcorn shirts.