A Lesson on Little Ones

I spent the majority of my day holding a baby. :)

Mmmm....babies are so sweet, and small, and cuddly...it almost makes me want to have another one. However, this is Angela Apple Bottom's first baby, so I thought I'd give her a few pointers....(once again, I'm helpful like that.)

People always say, "Babies do 3 things, eat, sleep, and poop."..... I'm going to let you in on a little secret, they also cry.....and that will happen:

a) when you've just went to sleep
b) in the middle of the night
and/or
c) as soon as you are on the phone (by the way...it never stops...the phone ringing is like an imaginary switch that will cause every age of child to all of the sudden make a racket.)

Another common saying is "Sleeping like a baby"....just so you know, that means up every 2-4 hours crying, needing a new diaper, and fed...oh, then don't forget to burp him. I now use the saying "sleeping like a rock...."

But don't get me wrong, babies are wonderful little blessings....(don't worry, I'm not going to get all sappy on you....ok...maybe just a bit.)

It allowed me to catch up on absolutely every episode of Dawson's Creek in reruns. (It was on Monday to Friday at 5:00am....I actually started to loathe Saturdays and Sundays, because then what the hell was I going to watch. Seriously...Joey does not need Tom Cruise....she needs to go find Dawson, her true love.)

It also gives you a new appreciation for those snotty nosed kids. You know before you have a kid and you see someone out with their kids and they've got snotty noses...and you say to yourself "Frig...can't that woman see that she needs to wipe her child's nose....lazy ass!" Then one day, you'll be standing in the hardware store picking up paint to paint the next baby's room and you'll realize that your child is the one lookin' like a hobo.


There are another 1543 lessons to be learnt (probably a conservative estimate), but I'll let you learn a few for yourself.....like all the bells, whistles, and buttons involved in a car seat!

I'm A Poser With A Lawn Mower

I can almost hear Angela Apple Bottom insisting "that's what you get for being a poser." Since she does remind me of this every time I decide that I am going to reinvent myself. She said it when I went out and got workout gear and some brand new cute Nike's, and decided that I was a runner....oh and I needed an Ipod shuffle. When she asked why one of my other Ipod's wouldn't do, I insisted that they were too big, and that if I was really going to be a runner that I would need to have a shuffle. Because everyone knows that a good runner has a shuffle and if they don't, I bet they wish they did. Angela laughed out loud and told me she'd see, but that she was willing to bet that this running thing wasn't long lived. She was right, which brings me to my newest reinvention: Environmental Activist....or at least Lover of the Environment.For several years now, I have been whining to my husband that I think we need an old-fashioned lawn mower. I told him that in my opinion they are way better for the environment and they have the added bonus of being quieter. He did not share this opinion with me. In fact, in order to show me just how much he disagreed, he bought some big ugly yellow monstrosity, which I think is the biggest frickin' lawn mower you can get without it being self-propelled.

So recently, he caved. He told me that if I really thought it was such a hot idea, we'd get one, but that I'd have to mow the lawn (and that we were keeping the big ugly one for when he has to inevitably mow the lawn, because I quickly lose ambition on these sorts of outdoor tasks.)

At the time, this seemed like a great freakin' idea (I'm full of 'em) so I was a little smug, thinkin' that we should've done this years ago. And just imagine all the gas that we could have saved, had we started years ago.


Then he kindly mowed the lawn with his lawnmower so that I didn't have to hack down the amazon jungle that was our front yard with my new one. He then gathered a small audience to watch me mow the lawn.(Yes, right after he mowed it....and technically the audience was one friend, but it sounds more dramatic with several ....so just imagine.)


Well...whose smart idea was this ridiculous lawn mower? (Right, it was mine....unfortunately)


I am a fruit loop. Seriously....I was sweating...and FYI, I have a self- proclaimed allergy to sweat...which could've been a factor in my failure to be a runner. Aside from the few cackles and "I've never even seen one of those in person."...it wasn't horribly embarrassing...but it was beyond difficult.(Yes, for dramatic effect, I included a sweaty shot of 2 of the Jo Bros. in hopes of you being so turned off that their popularity plummets and I don't have to listen to them ever again, including from my 4 year old.)

This isn't just a workout....it is torture....but I keep pepping myself up with my little talk about being environmentally friendly...we'll see how long it lasts.


I'm not exaggerating when I say that I will have to mow the lawn every other day...otherwise it will be unmanageable...But on the plus side I have never been so thankful to have a lawn with quack grass and pee spots (from the dog...in case you thought otherwise.) In fact, quack grass is so much easier to mow that I'm considering ripping up the sodded backyard and encouraging quack grass growth...either that or perhaps paving it.


So...I'll see....maybe it'll get easier....like the whole, if you shave your hair, it grows back finer thing....(yes, I know that technically thats not true...but let me have my pipe dream.) Plus...technically I'm still using my mower....so there Angela Apple Bottom...perhaps I've found my calling as an Environmental Activist Extrodinaire...then again....I always wanted to be a rockstar...hmmm.