Our Own Jersey Shore...Ugh.

It has come to my attention that Canada is going to have their own "Jersey Shore" spin off.

Yep...us copycats up here needed to have our own version...

It's being called "The Lake Shore" (yeah, us Canadians are also incredibly creative when it comes to naming things)

and quite frankly...it's embarrassing.



You know when you ASSUME they say that you make an 'ASS out of U and ME'....well in this case, that isn't true...when you assume...you only are making an ass of them.

From this little snippet the people of the world are going to assume all sorts of crap about Canadians...
for example:
They'll probably assume
a) people in Canada have bad eyebrows.... (seriously...what is going on with the brows here people?!)
b) We are a country full of racist multiculturalists.... "I hate everybody equally...especially Jewish people...."  nice...really nice.  Where did they find these people? 
c) Everyone is a bunch of cocky sluts....yep...that about sums it up....

Here's my little play by play...so that you really don't have to watch all 8 minutes of that train wreck...but oh...what a train wreck to watch!

Sibel - "If you screw me, your ass is gonna get burned"
- Does that mean that she has chlamydia?!

Tommy Hollywood - AKA...who the fuck has that many AKA's?!?  And note to Tommy...don't do the Screwdriver in public....it's embarrassing.  AKA - Annoying Idiot.

Robyn - "People will look up to me...I'm not a normal human being"  Yeah...look up to you...only because I think you're part Amazon woman...and not a normal human being...well...you said it, not me.  Yes, I would say it's abnormal for someone to let complete strangers motorboat them.

Karolina - "My strength is loyalty" ...you are aware that after you say that they show snippets of you kissing a dozen people ...right?!

Downtown D - "I'm always downtown...Friday, Saturday, Thursday maybe, Sunday possibly."  Hmm...is he aware that there are 7 days in a week?  Probably not...he's too busy doing push ups on a glass balcony to worry about those silly sorts of facts.

That said...I'll probably watch this train wreck...that is if it's actually on a TV channel that I can find...

What are your comments for them?

Canada Needs A New Holiday

Canada is technically a relatively new country. maybe that's why....

We have no exciting original holidays.

And yes, I know we have plenty of other holidays...but plenty of other places have Christmas, Halloween, Easter, and Thanksgiving.

I got to thinking last week when all of my UK blogger peeps were talking about Guy Hawkes Day. (Check out the festivities over a Mrs. Midnite if you'd like)

That's right. They have a holiday...one that involves fire and fireworks to commemorate

well, basically a terrorist attack.  Guy Fawkes and his posse wanted to oust the protestant King and put in a Catholic one. 

So why not make it a holiday.  My thoughts exactly!

The Mexicans get Cinqo de Mayo (yet another holiday derived from a battle)
The Chinese have Qing Ming (and another bazillion neat holidays) - OK...it's really not that exciting, but it's a holiday none the less to go and sweep the tombs of their ancestors.

Here in Canada...we don't have any of these holidays.  I suppose it can be argued thatsince we are multicultural there are people in Canada who celebrate these holidays here.

That's not what I'm looking for.  We need our own exciting holiday.  Yet another reason to party, have fireworks, and altogether drink to much alcohol. (or not...if that's not your style)

As you can tell I've been thinking...

a) Snow day - pick a day...and no it can't be "Family Day" because half the provinces don't even get that holiday.  But it can be a whole day centered around fun in the snow.

yes, I know it's ridiculously lame.

We need something more exciting. (and preferably in the hotter months)
and I suppose that technically we should base it on historical significance.  I mean that's what the rest of the countries did.

 Laura Secord Day - She was historically significant....and now she represents a candy store.  We could have a day off and gorge our selves on chocolates.

Brian Mulroney Day - basically you'd get the day off to sit on your ass and accomplish nothing.  oh...and you'd have to get paid for it too.

or maybe

 October Crisis Day - but then again, the rest of us Canadian would rather forget about that. 

So what new National Holiday do you think should Canada have?

Canada ~ Your Questions Answered

Its Canada Day....Woo hoo!

Thats right, its the moment you've all been waiting for....I'm going to go straight to Google and help you guys out with the most searched for questions about Canadians.  And since I am a Canadian...who better to ask? 

So here we go:

Top 5: What do Canadians.....?

The Number one question on everyone's mind...(that is everyone, except us Canadians.)

What do Canadians eat?  Wow...you guys really wanted to know that?!  Well aside from our usual diet of fried beaver, seal blubber, and beer....we eat...well just like you.  Truthfully it depends, since we have a rather diverse population...I'm sure that if you came up with some bizarre diet someone in Canada would eat it....so there you go.  Yes, thats true...I'm sure that if you thought up goats blood and cow intestines, you'd find some group that we let into the country under the premise of being refugees...but I won't get started about that...see I'm sticking to the question at hand...look at me go.  And I like to eat Big Turks (no, not large Turkish people...that would be rude...and probably disgusting.)....apparently Americans don't get these tasty treats down there....well let me tell you, they're delicious...oh and poutine is pretty good too (fries with cheese and gravy.)

What do Canadians wear?  Really!?...what is it...12 year olds questioning the Google gods?  Ok...well once our igloos melt, we don't often wear our parkas (unless we're homeless.)  Yes, we wear winter coats...in the winter...and shorts in the summer, except for my husband, who never wears shorts and always wears atleast one long sleeve shirt, but he's cold blooded...(I'm sure) so yeah..he doesn't count.  Other than that, I'm not sure what you were looking for...."gawd, we'd never were synthetics, spandex, or animal prints"...yeah right...

What do Canadians think of their healthcare?  I think its great...Well I hate waiting for a month and a half to see my doctor...but thats my choice.  I could pick from the others....but I'd rather wait.(See...this is me being polite...I could ramble on about all sorts of professional indiscretions...but where would that get me?  waiting for 3 months probably.)  On the flip side though its free...and yes...I can stay in the hospital for a week...and walk out without a bill.

What do Canadians call Canadian Bacon?  It depends...We call bacon...bacon...and I think that what you refer to as Canadian Bacon, we call back bacon...or ham.  How do I know this....A) I'm a genius  and B)  I worked at Smitty's (a breakfast chain)  for several years.   Yeah...you say "Canadian bacon"...we say...."You must be an American....Can I refill your coffee?"

What do Canadians speak?  Gee thats a tough one.  At first, I thought I spoke Canadianese...but it turns out that its English......and technically French too...we are bilingual (and so am I...although I use the word bilingual loosely...very loosely.)  Unless you go to Hongcouver...where I think that more people speak Chinese.  Or out east...where the Easterners roam...and half the time I can't understand them either.....and if you are one of those easterners: Now luh, da arse is gone right out of er.  What you don't understand?!?!?...me either.  But you can look up newfie talk here if you would like to know....but its something or other about the economy.

HAPPY CANADA DAY!

*And just in case you are wondering, I don't eat seal and I don't kill helpless baby seals....you'll have to talk to the newfies aboot that crap.  Oh...and I never say aboot...only newfies do...and me...when I make fun of newfies.

Why Can't........

Ok...so apparently there is this new "why" trend....

So what you do is go to the google home page and type 'why'

in this case, I typed "why can't'

Here's what people are wondering....and I'll see if I can't try to help (because I'm helpful like that....seriously...don't give me that look....I am.)

1. Why can't I own a Canadian?

Well.........You can own a Canadian. I happen to own two....what you need to do is fornicate with another Canadian....and bingo bango....viola....a baby Canadian. Congratulations....you are the new owner of a Canadian. That and technically if we keep going immigrant crazy letting every terrorist and fruitcake under the sun in, I'm thinking that a good way to make money would be to auction them off....but I can't see the Conservatives going for that.

2. Why can't dogs eat chocolate?

Good question. But contrary to popular belief, most of our chocolate nowadays, isn't really much chocolate. Infact, when Bing (yes, that is my dogs name....imaginative I know....Bingo with no "o") was a puppy he ate an entire box of Pot of Gold Chocolates, I was horrified and phoned the vet....they claimed that most of that kind of chocolate is actually wax (YUM! - by the way that is my sarcastic font.) So no harm done. - Just as a side note...Bing is an extraordinary dog and has been run over, eaten antifreeze, consumed rat poison and been tortured by various children. So yeah....don't feed your dog chocolate....just incase you aren't a cheap as me and don't carry Pot of Gold and you infact carry some 90% cocoa expensive stuff.

3. Why can't I get a boyfriend?

Really...people ask google this. Well there are various possibilities. Do you shower on a regular basis? Do you like Star Trek? Do you like Cool Ranch Doritos?

I haven't a clue....why?

4. Why can't I lose weight?

wow....perhaps this is related to the last question.
Seriously though.... I think this is a little personal. But if you are willing to be creative...you can lose weight. You can't rule out amputation though! I think that if you were to consult a doctor though, he wouldn't reccommend amputation as a viable option....but hey...what do doctors know?

5. Why can't we be friends?

Well this all depends on who you are.
For the most part the answer is sure...we can be friends....I only have a few rules.

1. You cannot lip off Silverchair....really ...Daniel Johns does not look like BoyGeorge....(and if you utter this again...I will be forced to take someone else as my wingman when they play a concert in this country again.)

2. You must like junk food....at least sometimes. You make me feel unhealthy when I eat chips and you eat celery sticks....lets compromise...I will eat a celery stick and then we can eat a bag of chips. Sounds good to me

3. You can be a good dancer...thats ok...but don't be bustin' out your good moves when we're dancing...because it makes me look even worse.

yeah....thats about it.

See...I'm sure that I have helped many people with this little blurb.

You're Welcome. :) I told you I was helpful like that.

Olympic Mascots

Each time the Olympics rolls around a new mascot(s) get unveiled.

China had the Quintuplet bears....which I thought were pretty cute.

Then us Canadians came up with a Sasquatch and whatever those other two animals are. (Seriously....flying squirrel and swirly topped half skunk/half panda perhaps?)

And now London unveiled their new mascots for the upcoming 2012 games. They come with a little back story of how they were created by the last drops of metal while making the Olympic Stadium, but really....they just give me the heebies.

They aren't overly cute. And they seem to be slightly evil looking (I'm picking up an evil doer....plans to take over the world vibe...how 'bout you?). And really one eye....weren't cyclopses not nice (or correctly cyclopes...but it just doesn't look right). I dunno, but when I think of a cyclops, I don't think of sportsmanship, friendliness, and generosity...I think death, destruction, and Zeus....I'm sure he has something to do with Cyclopes. And the orange and white one looks down right pissed off....and everyone knows to avoid a pissed off cyclops.

Secondly, what I find more disturbing is the blue groin zone on the white and blue one....what is up with that?.....it just draws attention to a zone which should be completely ignored in mascots. And now that I'm checking it out, it looks a little bulge-y....I definitely won't be taking my children around these two.

I am just not feeling these mascots....but thankfully the London Olympics are only a few years away and then tweedle dee and tweedle dum (not their names by the way) will fade into obscurity.....

I mean really, you don't even remember the blue slug that was the Olympic mascot for Atlanta now, do you? Yeah...me neither.
(btw...I don't think he was supposed to a slug. And the creepy one-eyed mascots are named Wenlock and Mandeville.)