Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Dust Off Your Fax Machines!!! It's Valentines Day!

Happy Valentines Day!

That's right, it's that time of year to dust off your fax machines!

You heard me right.

In fact, just in case they come back in style you should probably round up a pager too.
(quick sidenote, the only time I've even heard of anyone using a pager any more is the Narcotics Anonymous add in the local newspaper...don't give me that look...it's a small paper...I read it ALL.)

Why would you need to use your fax machine? (and/or pager)

Because the Sweet hearts at  Walmart told me so....

yep...you know, the ones that say things like LOVE YOU, SWEETIE PIE, you know, crap like that.

Apparently these are the new ones....

Obviously the ones that I purchased (last week) for my kidlet to pass out at school are a decade old:  


Friday, January 13, 2012

When I Find Out Who Stole My Damn Green Bin...

Seeing as how I live in the middle of nowheresville, there isn't usually too much for excitement.

(You will only realize how true this is after you read this post.  serious.)

The other day my green recycling box went missing.  I should clarify.  Someone stole it.

Since my husband is the biggest anti-recycler, I naturally assumed it was him.  (Spare me your grade 5 break down of the word assume...ass...u...me...I get it.)  He seems to think it's a funny game to put glass jars and cardboard boxes in the garbage....little does he know a) I'm extremely motivated when trying to prove a point and b) I have more time on my hands than I care to let on.

After I gave him a ridiculous guilt trip, on how our landfills are filling up by the minute and that our children will be forced to live atop plastic bag mountains breathing air from bottles and hiding so that the acid rain doesn't scar their beautiful faces (what can I say, they've  inherited some good genes.), he still denied it.  Turns out he didn't do it.

But someone did.

Little do people know how much tom thievery irritates me. (Quick side note...if I ever meet a guy by the name of Tom Thievery and he turns out to be very non-irritating, I take this statement back.)

There are several solutions to this problem, and if I had children that slept more often I could perhaps pull a back alley stake out if this outfit:  (because everyone knows, the key to a successful stakeout is not being spotted.)

This solution poses a few issues.  First of all, this guy made his own damn suit. (How's that for overachieving!) Secondly, my back alley is fairly bare.  I will first have to plant some trees and bushes and then not mow or rake the back alley zone.  It's looking like a few years before my brilliant plan will come to fruition.  But just you wait....

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Happy OHWW

Because no Junior High School dance was complete without this gem....

that and to make it complete, you'd need that nerdy boy doing some bizarre sort of moonwalk and ocean motion hand gestures down the length of the gym.

Monday, November 21, 2011

The Truth About Puke

My house has been invaded but the flu bug.  The pukey, crappy flu.  Luckily the newest addition and I managed to not contract this illness, but the other two did.

The Truth About Puke:

No matter how much you hope, wish, and say "don't puke on the carpet," you child will undoubtedly puke on the carpet.

No matter how hard you try to "catch" puke, it is relatively impossible....infact, it'a a lose/lose situation.  Even if you win and manage to "catch" the puke, you are still in fact holding puke.

No matter how close you are to the toilet and/or puke pail, not all of it will end up in said catching device.  In fact, if carpet is anywhere near, the puke will end up there instead.

Do not trust your child when they claim they are feeling "a bit" better.  Keep them off the carpet.  Round 2 will start soon enough.

Puke is nasty.

I'm off for round 2 of disinfecting.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Happy One Hit Wonder Wednesday (OHWW)

For some time now, I have had this Wednesday activity where  Freddie Funnypants and I post one hit wonders on each others facebook walls.

Since everyone who's cool enjoys a good one hit wonder, I thought I'd start sharing them with you.  That's right...I'm gonna start my own meme...or whatever they call 'em. (or I guess it doesn't count really if you just started it and nobody pays attention...hmmm)

First of all Freddie had requested the blog name Wang Chuck....I considered it, really I did.  But
a) that's sort of blasphemous to Chuck Norris
b) it reminds me far too much of this song:  (Which will be our very first OHW)

And here is the breakdown for you:

Like every good 80's video I'm pretty sure that all that constant flashing and switching of images could bring on a seizure (Epileptic's beware:  I'm giving the warning out of the goodness of my heart...seriously).  Although I must say that I am a wee bit disappointed in the lack of neon colors...wtf is with the boring tan background and black outfits.  Its only saving grace is the shoulder pads on the guitar player and the dude with the white and green shirt with the cowboy hat (although he doesn't get nearly the screen time he deserves.)

Bonus points for you if you know any lines other than
"Everybody have fun tonight....Everybody wang chung tonight"
I'm not sure what precisely wang chung-ing is.....but really is anyone?

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Apparently I'm Not Done Picking On Dogs Yet....and The Potential Proof of Evolution Through Lady Parts.

I like making ridiculously long titles, just so you are forced to come over here to read the rest of it.
(Also, I thought putting Uterus in the title was tacky....who am I kidding?!)

Last night, I just happened to be hanging with the baby at 2:30 a.m., when I heard this creepy noise at the door. It was freaky. I had just let the dog out (yes, he's still giving me the silent treatment)...so that left one of two options

A) A serial killer had killed my dog and was now toying with me in hopes that I would walk outside, directly into his trap.

B) It was the dog.

Since I've seen my share of scary movies, I decided to go out the front door to investigate the goings on at the other door.

Guess what...

It was the f*#%ing dog! Digging through the garbage....because of course, I have nothing better to do than to pick that crap up during daylight hours. I had kinda thought he was still pissed off about the whole wig thing (which I'm still laughing about), but this seals it. He's apparently still beyond pissy.

He's been warned about this behaviour...yet it continues.

I've Informed him that if he keeps this 'tude up, I'll have no choice but to recreate this photo that I scooped off of Pinterest with him as the main subject.

 He didn't look impressed, so I'm hoping that I got my point across. Don't dig in the freaking garbage!!!

(secretly I'm hoping that he keeps the attitude up - that picture is hilarious...but don't tell him that.)

Also, in other baby related news, the Duggar's are expecting their 20th baby. Shhh...listen carefully, you can hear her uterus weeping from here.   Never mind, that's my uterus giving hers sympathy cries. Seriously though, my uterus would have fled the scene about 15 babies back. If ever there were an argument for evolution, this is it. Just wait, a few more babies and that uterus is gonna grow itself some feet and a heartbeat and run away as fast as it can.

Monday, November 7, 2011

How To Know If Your Dog is a Christian....

I'm not picking on dogs.

I know that it seems like I am....especially once you read this post, but honestly, I love dogs (ok...83% of the time.)

Anyways, I have a cousin (yes. It's true, actually, I have several)

This cousin is a devoted Christian.  The other day he asks on Facebook,

"How do you know if your dog accepts Christ?"

I kindly wrote him back that "the only way to know for sure is this:..."

I don't think he appreciated it.

If your looking for me, I'll be in confession and most likely sentenced to 52 "Hail Mary's" and 48 "Our Father's"  for posting this...
by the way, my dog is still not impressed with me about the wig thing....still (he's such a grudge holder!)