Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Does A Bucket List Have Rules?

Does a bucket list have rules....

I suppose I should start off with informing you as to what a bucket list is.  (Usually I don't but it seems as though I have several followers who aren't from around these here parts and are sometimes confuseled.)
So a bucket list is basically a 'things to do before you die' list.  Theoretically you can put on whatever you want...or so I thought.  But people always seem to put on things like bungee jumping and climbing Mount Kilimanjaro....neither of which is on my list.

The other evening I was out with Viola En Vogue and Magnolia A La Mode and a few other friends.  It was a good evening out.   I probably had too much fun, because I recall saying that Fabio's skinny grey haired doppelganger was hot...but I've been in the midst of a drought, so what is a girl to do?!

When all of the sudden the conversation turned to men and someone making out with an Australian.  Upon which point in time, it was discovered that I was the sole person at the table to NOT have made out with an Australian.

"That's fine, it's on my bucket list."  I replied.

"What's on your bucket list?"  inquired either Viola or Magnolia (let's face it...the details are blurry)

"Making out with an Australian."

"You can't have that kind of stuff on a bucket list!" (Pretty sure that one came from Magnolia)

"Why not, I've thoroughly thought this through."


"Well you see, my freebie...just happens to be Australian, so if that day ever comes, it'll be like a two birds with one stone sort of incident." I reply.

"Really, well does your husband know about this?"  (I only put this in here, because I know all of you secret reading ladies from about town will turn this into gossip if I don't.)

"Yes...he does. He has a freebie too.....but good luck with that."

So...who knew.  Are there really rules for the bucket list? 

 What is on my list?  You know, I'm not sure...I never gave it much thought until this post...so I'll have to work on it.

So far:
1. Make out with an Australian.... (unless of course that's not allowed.)
2. Go to an Oprah show...but I'd settle for Ellen, since Oprah's nearly over...and I missed the 'favorite things' episode, so I'd probably end up with an interview with a serial killer one.  Never mind, I'm taking this one off my list myself.

What's on your list?  Are there rules?

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Sometimes You Have To Get Creative

Thankfully it's warmed up here.

In fact, it's damn near tropical at -5.  It sure beats the -40 (with the windchill) that we've had the past few days.

I try not to complain about the weather, because the truth is, it's not surprising.  I've lived in Alberta my whole life.  Chances are pretty good that at some point between the months of November and March that there will be a ton of snow.  Chances are the thermometer will dip below -30.  Chances are there isn't a damn thing I can do about it, so I try not to dwell on the fact that it's cold.

But the cold brings about problems that drive me crazy.

The kids are cold.  I must dress them in all the gear from toques to ski pants to snow boots and beyond.  easy fix.
The Yukon won't start. I must plug it in....problem solved.

The one thing that drives me crazy....is the satellite dish. 
Since the guy who installed it was a lazy SOB (that Starchoice sent), it sits in the one spot on our roof that always (and I mean ALWAYS) gets a snow drift. 
When my husband is home, I usually complain enough that he manages to concoct a scheme involving ladders and broom handles taped together. However, he currently is away....and

I'm just too damn short.

I tried that, but we don't have a very tall ladder, so currently I'm hooped.

I figured that it'd melt in a few days, but now we are on day 5 with cooped up kidlets and no TV.  Thankfully we have an extensive DVD collection.

So I thought, I could do this....I can fix that blasted satellite dish....I mean , why can't I?

After much consideration....I decided that this was my best option:
(yes...that exact model)
So, if you happened to drive by last night and saw me precariously perched on a chair from our patio set spraying hot water 40 feet in the air ...that's what I was up to.

and just for the record....no ....it didn't work.
(and I ended up with a soaking wet arm...and now there is probably and inch of ice on the damn thing)

But as I said....it's warming up here...only another 3 days and I'm betting the Satellite will come around.

What has been your best unconventional fix it plan?

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

A Car By Any Other Name

I'm a visual person.

OK, I'm lying.  When I did that learning test in grade 5 (or somewhere around there) I was a tactile learner.  Although...it doesn't really matter.  I'm not really talking about learning.

Anyways, what I am trying to say is that when people tell me stuff, I visualize it.  That's right I always end up getting a mental image....so please spare me the details when it's nasty stuff. (I will forever have a mental image the time my friend told me the story of KFC gravy, a dog, and....oh...it's so bad I can't even continue for fear that I will scar someone else for life.)

So in order for me to get my imagery right, I need you folks to accurately describe things.

If you drive one of the following vehicles you may describe it as a "CAR":
a Camry
a Civic
a Crown Royal...wait a second that's a type of whiskey....a Crown Victoria
or any other non descript car

you have a
Mini (think cooper not van)
anything fancy.
(These cars must be referred to by actual name.)

If you have any sort of van....I don't care. Just call it a "VAN"  that will do...you can throw mini in front of it if you so please.

If you have any sort of truck...just call it a "TRUCK".  I don't care if it's a 1/2 ton, a 3/4 ton, or has an awesome winch on it and a lift package.  I don't care if you got some fancy skull hitch mabob....that's fine but just tell me it's a Truck.  That will do.

Here is where it gets tricky...if you have an SUV....you can say just SUV, but you can also throw out what it is.  For example .... go ahead, say Escalade, Yukon, Tahoe....I get it.

If you have a crossover....you MUST use the correct name for it.  You should NEVER refer to it as a car. 
It's not a car, for that matter it definitely isn't a truck either...so don't be calling it a truck.

Let's say for example, you have a BUICK RENDEZVOUS.... (do you feel like I'm yelling at you? I'm not...I should just quit using CAPS...sorry.)
Never (I really mean NEVER...but I don't want to yell) refer to it as "My Buick"....Even if I know you, all of the sudden you'll turn into a denture wearing, depends pads purchasing  person in my mind's eye.
Just call it a Rendezvous...or a cross over, but come on..... call it a Rendezvous... it's fun to say.

"Let's hop in the Rendezvous and we'll go rendezvous with the other rendezvous-ers at the rendezvous destination."

OK...that may have been a bit much.

What do you call your vehicle????

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Word of the Day

Last week I was chit chatting with Wendy-Loo Wallaby Lover when she asked "Do you know what a P.A.N.N.I.S.is?"

"Uh...no...."  I replied.

"Really, you don't know?"

"Nope, do you mean PANINIS?"  I said, because truthfully we were out for lunch and both eating panini's and really only one letter off of the word she had spelled out.

"No, I don't mean Panini, I mean Pannis."

"Wendy, are you trying to be coy and talk about penis'...because we're both grown ups and can discuss that stuff now."

"No, I don't mean penis....I mean Pannis!"

"Oh, well in that case. no.  I still don't know what that is."

"You should write about it...you know in your next blog thingy." Wendy-Loo said.

And that is how today's blog post was born....plus I think Wendy really wanted her own name on here.  (To which she said she didn't want Wendy Wallaby ...so it's now Wendy-Loo Wallaby Lover....and I gave her 3 minutes to change it, but she suggested the girl who told you to write about Pannis....which has absolutely NO PANACHE at all!)

So....onto the word at hand...

I decided that I best google it.....and I should have had Wendy Loo clarify a bit, because whoa....(Joey Lawrence throwback there) ...there are a lot of meanings for the word pannis.

a)An important tribe in Afghanistan lasting to the time of Sikandar Lodi.
b)Pannis is the flab of skin that hangs BELOW the belly button and above the va-j-j. (thanks Urban dictionary!)
c)These are the sad eyed water goddesses that take the dead to the bottom of the water to dwell with them in their crystal castles (WTF?)
d)a severe condition almost only seen in German Shepherds. The disease manifests itself with granulation (fleshy growth) tissue developing on the cornea
e) penis...only spelled incorrectly

Wendy-Loo already ruled out e) that leaves me with 4 to pick from. Since she is a medical professional of sorts, I'm going to take a shot in the dark and guess that she meant b)

Eww...Thanks Wendy-Loo.

Now, this is new information to me....I didn't know that zone had a medical name or that a tummy tuck was Pannis Removal Surgery.  I think I'll still be referring to it as a tummy tuck.  Truthfully I always thought that zone had a different name...one that, well...isn't very nice to say.  So I won't.

OK...who am I kidding.  I thought it was called a gunt....because it was halfway between a gut and a .....well you can figure that out on your own.

Did you know what a pannis was??!? or am I the only one left in the dark....

and by the way Wendy-Loo  a Wallaby and Kangaroo look kind of similar to me....here's my proof.

wallaby source                                                                            kangaroo source

Thursday, November 18, 2010

But...It's For A Good Cause

Earlier this month I filled all of my loyal readers in on Movember.

I urged all you men to grow beards and even gave you a few examples of the super stylish facial hair that men all over the world are growing. (I'm not sure about the Snidely though.)

OK....well I didn't exactly urge you to, but I suggested it, and that counts too.

But it leaves most of us women left wondering what we could do for the cause...because only a few of us are talented enough to grow facial hair and it usually happens to be when we are about 74 and older. (note to self, get laser hair removal before 70)

Well some genius (and most likely plum crazy) women came up with this:

So go find yourself a man with a "patchy little lip sweater" and have sex with him...

or you could just donate money.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Thank you...Thank you!

I received an award last week and had meant to post about it yesterday, but due to my raging fury about pink eye and the over usage of FML, I completely forgot!

or as I affectionately refer to her as TBFKA
(mainly because I'm lazy)

So basically now I must sing TBFKA's praises and pass this little gem along.
lalala....she's fabulous....lalala...
(just imagine I'm singing...trust me, it's better than if you actually had to hear me!)

You should go check her out and see for yourself...

Now, I'll pass this to 4 bloggers who's blogs make me happy.

(no it's not about abusing nuns!)

and my latest  fave

go ahead...check them out!

And in completely unrelated news. 
I feel as though I've stepped into a time warp.  I recently was given a serger (think fancy 4 thread sewing machine.)  I had absolutely no idea how to thread it, since it didn't come with a manual. 
I scoured the Internet and discovered that I could order the PDF instructions for said serger for the low price of $39.99!?
What?!  Well being that I'm cheap, I thought I'd look on Youtube.  Someone somewhere has to have made a video on this....right?!

Well I was right.  It just so happens that in 1984 someone did.

And since I had to watch the thing on repeat for a while, I feel as though I should go out and get my self a perm, a pantsuit...and a poster of Corey Hart.

That's right...I would have been one hot 80's housewife.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

A Few Alternatives For FML 2

That's right....

it's that time again.  You know, where you have one of those days and truthfully it's a little like an FML
(F%#@ my life)  but you just despise the term.
And if it sounds like a familiar blog topic...it is you can read FML Alernatives 1 here.

My main complaint is how melodramatic it is...and vague to boot.
9 times out of 10 (who am I kidding...more like 10 out of 10- on my fb anyways) people use it to turn some trivial matter into a big deal...but how am I to know??? Because FML is so vague, I don't even know why you're using it!

I mean, I have no idea if you are having a shitty day because your cat died, in which case, I offer my condolences or if Wal-Mart is temporarily out of Doritos so you failed to pick up your favorite flavor.

You see...FML is just too damn vague. 
I need people to be more specific....and quite honestly, a little less drama would be ok too. (Although, quick sidenote...if you're on my facebook and you the avid FML user...don't quit altogether...it provides me hours of enjoyment especially the FML: I'd like to thank my mother and sister for being complete bitches...I mean really that provided me with a good laugh for the better part of a month...)

and here are a few for the rest of you fml over users.

INMA - I need more attention....Obviously you do...that is why you use fml like it's going out of style (which hopefully it is.)

LAM - Look at me - really just a variation on the above.

and I still stand by the IDS.

Here are few more FML alternatives for the time being...which probably can cover most parental issues and definitely sum up my last few weeks.

PQP - Please quit puking....this one needs no explanation.

INMS - I need more sleep. Yep...I think this one works for pretty much everyone. Usually when you're pissy with the world, you could use a good nap.

NBL - Nothing but Laundry.  What are you doing today? Considering I had a kid up puking and coughing and potty training.  I'll be doing NBL. (That was my Saturday. ....seriously)

MFPECGTH - Mother F%$#ing pink eye can go to hell. Once again...self explanatory...and if I figure out which mom keeps sending their little angel to school with pink eye, I'm going to come unglued.

So there you go...Just in case you are feeling a little adventurous from your regular FML usage...or even if you've never used the acronym...much like myself.

What is your new acronym...and what does it mean?

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Lest We Forget

This is most likely the only serious post that you'll run across here during the year.

But quite honestly, it would be inconsiderate of me to post some jokes about poorly dressed women or children passing gas. (see I termed that rather grown-up like)

Today is November 11th, the day that we take time to honour and remember those who have fought in war for our freedom. So often we tend to forget about today. We overlook what time it is and never get in our 2 minutes of silence.

This year take time to remember.

In Flanders Fields
By: Lieutenant Colonel John McCrae, MD (1872-1918)
Canadian Army

In Flanders Fields the poppies blow
Between the crosses row on row,
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.

We are the Dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved and were loved, and now we lie
In Flanders fields.

Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders fields.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Our Own Jersey Shore...Ugh.

It has come to my attention that Canada is going to have their own "Jersey Shore" spin off.

Yep...us copycats up here needed to have our own version...

It's being called "The Lake Shore" (yeah, us Canadians are also incredibly creative when it comes to naming things)

and quite frankly...it's embarrassing.

You know when you ASSUME they say that you make an 'ASS out of U and ME'....well in this case, that isn't true...when you assume...you only are making an ass of them.

From this little snippet the people of the world are going to assume all sorts of crap about Canadians...
for example:
They'll probably assume
a) people in Canada have bad eyebrows.... (seriously...what is going on with the brows here people?!)
b) We are a country full of racist multiculturalists.... "I hate everybody equally...especially Jewish people...."  nice...really nice.  Where did they find these people? 
c) Everyone is a bunch of cocky sluts....yep...that about sums it up....

Here's my little play by play...so that you really don't have to watch all 8 minutes of that train wreck...but oh...what a train wreck to watch!

Sibel - "If you screw me, your ass is gonna get burned"
- Does that mean that she has chlamydia?!

Tommy Hollywood - AKA...who the fuck has that many AKA's?!?  And note to Tommy...don't do the Screwdriver in public....it's embarrassing.  AKA - Annoying Idiot.

Robyn - "People will look up to me...I'm not a normal human being"  Yeah...look up to you...only because I think you're part Amazon woman...and not a normal human being...well...you said it, not me.  Yes, I would say it's abnormal for someone to let complete strangers motorboat them.

Karolina - "My strength is loyalty" ...you are aware that after you say that they show snippets of you kissing a dozen people ...right?!

Downtown D - "I'm always downtown...Friday, Saturday, Thursday maybe, Sunday possibly."  Hmm...is he aware that there are 7 days in a week?  Probably not...he's too busy doing push ups on a glass balcony to worry about those silly sorts of facts.

That said...I'll probably watch this train wreck...that is if it's actually on a TV channel that I can find...

What are your comments for them?

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Canada Needs A New Holiday

Canada is technically a relatively new country. maybe that's why....

We have no exciting original holidays.

And yes, I know we have plenty of other holidays...but plenty of other places have Christmas, Halloween, Easter, and Thanksgiving.

I got to thinking last week when all of my UK blogger peeps were talking about Guy Hawkes Day. (Check out the festivities over a Mrs. Midnite if you'd like)

That's right. They have a holiday...one that involves fire and fireworks to commemorate

well, basically a terrorist attack.  Guy Fawkes and his posse wanted to oust the protestant King and put in a Catholic one. 

So why not make it a holiday.  My thoughts exactly!

The Mexicans get Cinqo de Mayo (yet another holiday derived from a battle)
The Chinese have Qing Ming (and another bazillion neat holidays) - OK...it's really not that exciting, but it's a holiday none the less to go and sweep the tombs of their ancestors.

Here in Canada...we don't have any of these holidays.  I suppose it can be argued thatsince we are multicultural there are people in Canada who celebrate these holidays here.

That's not what I'm looking for.  We need our own exciting holiday.  Yet another reason to party, have fireworks, and altogether drink to much alcohol. (or not...if that's not your style)

As you can tell I've been thinking...

a) Snow day - pick a day...and no it can't be "Family Day" because half the provinces don't even get that holiday.  But it can be a whole day centered around fun in the snow.

yes, I know it's ridiculously lame.

We need something more exciting. (and preferably in the hotter months)
and I suppose that technically we should base it on historical significance.  I mean that's what the rest of the countries did.

 Laura Secord Day - She was historically significant....and now she represents a candy store.  We could have a day off and gorge our selves on chocolates.

Brian Mulroney Day - basically you'd get the day off to sit on your ass and accomplish nothing.  oh...and you'd have to get paid for it too.

or maybe

 October Crisis Day - but then again, the rest of us Canadian would rather forget about that. 

So what new National Holiday do you think should Canada have?

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Odd Girl Out

Sometimes, I just don't fit in here.

I know what you are all thinking...How is that possible?! A girl as stylish (haha) and trendy (even funnier) as you?  You've lived there most of your life?

Well it's true. I don't fit in this time of year....and it has nothing to do with being stylish or trendy.

The other day on the playground I overheard this conversation (and don't be giving me the side eye about eavesdropping, they were yelling across the playground.)

"So, did you get something today?"

Naturally, I assume that something is an order....because around here they are weekly happenings....you know an order for tupperware, sex toys (if you live around Calgary...here's the best party to get and she's one of my regular peeps on here...so maybe you can talk her into divulging her nickname), or scrapbooking supplies.  Yes, that's what The Real Housewives of Western Canada do.

But no, they weren't talking about sandwich containers, embossing powder, or glow in the dark lubricants.

Here was the answer shouted across the playground

"Yeah, I got myself a nice Whitetail mule-ly"


Here....all I can think about is poor Bambi....
I sulk over to the other side of the playground so that I don't have to hear the  play by play of the murder....or see pictures.

I'm not a hunter...or really outdoorswoman-y (ha...that's putting it mildly),
Yet plenty of the girls around town are...and there are no less than 3 pictures of ladies with their dead deer on my facebook page at any given time during hunting season.  Truthfully, I never know when hunting season is...until the pictures start popping up.

What goes on around where you live that you just can't get on board with?

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

What Qualifies For News In Parma

So, apparently this is the hot goss.

If you don't have the patience to watch it, it's basically about an 11 year old boy farting on the school bus.  Then he got detention over it.   He thought it was funny, what 11 year old boy doesn't?....wait a second....what man at any age doesn't find that amusing...don't ask me why, it must be something hardwired into men's DNA. 

Really?!  Detention for just farting, I mean when I was 11 I think there were a few boys who tried to fart along to Jingle Bells...I'm not kidding (and no, they didn't get detention.)  This poor kid doesn't even have any real "talent" to his farting...and he's still in trouble.

Obviously they missed that episode of Oprah.  You know, the one with Dr. Oz where he said that everybody passes gas something like 14 times a DAY. 

Apparently this is what PASSES for news around there.  (haha...I know, I crack myself up too!)

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Moustache's Decoded

As some of you may know, it's Movember.
Basically, during Movember, men grow their facial hair to raise money. Really, it's a genius idea, far better than the 30 hour famine...I mean did you actually know anyone who truly didn't eat for 30 hours?!  (and besides they let you have juice...I understand the whole theory, just that it's incredibly flawed to expect a 12 year old to do those things....although truth be told, I never did it, my mom wouldn't let me :(

Anyways, back to moustaches.  Since I am so damn helpful, I thought I'd throw a few possibilities out there for you guys participating...or just if you feel like letting it grow.

First off, there's the classic Tom Selleck....really it's best worn by Tom Selleck or men over 50, but go ahead, be daring....

Really?!  This barely even counts as facial hair....what are you 12?  Grow something a little more substantial...if only for Movember!
Next up we've got the porn star.  Apparently that's the name of it...who knew?
Myself, I'm not partial to this one...
It's a little too "look at me"..yet not fully committed...
(See, I told you I'd save his odd moustache for another rant)

But, if you really want the ladies to take notice (believe me, they'll notice you all right!),
the Snidely is for you.

The Snidely?
Oh....yes, have you not heard of the Snidely?

Well, Snidely Whiplash...the most famous villain....(OK...the most famous villain on Rocky and Bullwinkle, although Natasha gave him a run for his money on evilness.)
Here it is...the piece de resistance....(you must read that in a hoighty toighty french accent...or it just doesn't sound right!)
What?!  You don't think that The Snidely is "look at me" enough for you...

well, there is always this:
Yes, I know that I've completely neglected the hutterite, the mutton chops, the mountain man, the goatee, the soul patch and several others...we'll see...maybe next week!

So...what's your fave?