Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Happy OHWW

Because no Junior High School dance was complete without this gem....

that and to make it complete, you'd need that nerdy boy doing some bizarre sort of moonwalk and ocean motion hand gestures down the length of the gym.

Monday, November 21, 2011

The Truth About Puke

My house has been invaded but the flu bug.  The pukey, crappy flu.  Luckily the newest addition and I managed to not contract this illness, but the other two did.

The Truth About Puke:

No matter how much you hope, wish, and say "don't puke on the carpet," you child will undoubtedly puke on the carpet.

No matter how hard you try to "catch" puke, it is relatively impossible....infact, it'a a lose/lose situation.  Even if you win and manage to "catch" the puke, you are still in fact holding puke.

No matter how close you are to the toilet and/or puke pail, not all of it will end up in said catching device.  In fact, if carpet is anywhere near, the puke will end up there instead.

Do not trust your child when they claim they are feeling "a bit" better.  Keep them off the carpet.  Round 2 will start soon enough.

Puke is nasty.

I'm off for round 2 of disinfecting.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Happy One Hit Wonder Wednesday (OHWW)

For some time now, I have had this Wednesday activity where  Freddie Funnypants and I post one hit wonders on each others facebook walls.

Since everyone who's cool enjoys a good one hit wonder, I thought I'd start sharing them with you.  That's right...I'm gonna start my own meme...or whatever they call 'em. (or I guess it doesn't count really if you just started it and nobody pays attention...hmmm)

First of all Freddie had requested the blog name Wang Chuck....I considered it, really I did.  But
a) that's sort of blasphemous to Chuck Norris
b) it reminds me far too much of this song:  (Which will be our very first OHW)

And here is the breakdown for you:

Like every good 80's video I'm pretty sure that all that constant flashing and switching of images could bring on a seizure (Epileptic's beware:  I'm giving the warning out of the goodness of my heart...seriously).  Although I must say that I am a wee bit disappointed in the lack of neon is with the boring tan background and black outfits.  Its only saving grace is the shoulder pads on the guitar player and the dude with the white and green shirt with the cowboy hat (although he doesn't get nearly the screen time he deserves.)

Bonus points for you if you know any lines other than
"Everybody have fun tonight....Everybody wang chung tonight"
I'm not sure what precisely wang chung-ing is.....but really is anyone?

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Apparently I'm Not Done Picking On Dogs Yet....and The Potential Proof of Evolution Through Lady Parts.

I like making ridiculously long titles, just so you are forced to come over here to read the rest of it.
(Also, I thought putting Uterus in the title was tacky....who am I kidding?!)

Last night, I just happened to be hanging with the baby at 2:30 a.m., when I heard this creepy noise at the door. It was freaky. I had just let the dog out (yes, he's still giving me the silent treatment) that left one of two options

A) A serial killer had killed my dog and was now toying with me in hopes that I would walk outside, directly into his trap.

B) It was the dog.

Since I've seen my share of scary movies, I decided to go out the front door to investigate the goings on at the other door.

Guess what...

It was the f*#%ing dog! Digging through the garbage....because of course, I have nothing better to do than to pick that crap up during daylight hours. I had kinda thought he was still pissed off about the whole wig thing (which I'm still laughing about), but this seals it. He's apparently still beyond pissy.

He's been warned about this behaviour...yet it continues.

I've Informed him that if he keeps this 'tude up, I'll have no choice but to recreate this photo that I scooped off of Pinterest with him as the main subject.

 He didn't look impressed, so I'm hoping that I got my point across. Don't dig in the freaking garbage!!!

(secretly I'm hoping that he keeps the attitude up - that picture is hilarious...but don't tell him that.)

Also, in other baby related news, the Duggar's are expecting their 20th baby. Shhh...listen carefully, you can hear her uterus weeping from here.   Never mind, that's my uterus giving hers sympathy cries. Seriously though, my uterus would have fled the scene about 15 babies back. If ever there were an argument for evolution, this is it. Just wait, a few more babies and that uterus is gonna grow itself some feet and a heartbeat and run away as fast as it can.

Monday, November 7, 2011

How To Know If Your Dog is a Christian....

I'm not picking on dogs.

I know that it seems like I am....especially once you read this post, but honestly, I love dogs (ok...83% of the time.)

Anyways, I have a cousin (yes. It's true, actually, I have several)

This cousin is a devoted Christian.  The other day he asks on Facebook,

"How do you know if your dog accepts Christ?"

I kindly wrote him back that "the only way to know for sure is this:..."

I don't think he appreciated it.

If your looking for me, I'll be in confession and most likely sentenced to 52 "Hail Mary's" and 48 "Our Father's"  for posting this...
by the way, my dog is still not impressed with me about the wig thing....still (he's such a grudge holder!)

Monday, October 31, 2011

The Dangers of Sleep Deprivation

Everyone knows that the term "sleeping like a baby" is completely bogus....unless of course they mean sleep for a few hours at a time and squawk in between because they are hungry/poopy/or perhaps bored.

So, I am lacking on sleep...but just a little...most days.

This lack of sleep has led me to bumble aimlessly about.  Doing things and saying things that I don't put much thought into.

I listen to music all of the time.  In the vehicle as me and the kidlets ramble around town it is usually on XM 20 on 20 channel.  They are usually full of upbeat songs that the kids like.  Music kids like = quiet kids.  So the other day I hear them singing this:

Really, they only sing the part at 1:50....Yes, I heard them say "Shake that Ass."   Great.  Proud parent moment right there.  So, I quickly had to remedy the situation....

"uh...what did you say?!"
"Shake that ass.."
"Oh...well, just so you know, that's not what they are's shake that HAT."

First crisis averted...and lesson to me to not listen to that crap channel. (also note to self: make the kids wear hats, so that they can shake them if the song is playing again.)

However, I don't learn lessons the first time apparently.  We were once again listening to the top 20 station and I was a little sleep deprived...

This song started playing that said "Drop that Booty"  (I know, I tried to find it, but you try youtubing booty drop, and drop that booty....see what you get... 'gay poppin' booty droppin' is not what I was looking for...although I must hand it to the gays...they have a very keen sense of rhythm...I do not.)

Anyways, some 'drop that booty' song comes on....I immediately correct it to BOOBY...(wtf was I if that made it better?!)  but the damage was done.  I was tired, the baby was hungry...booby seemed like the obvious lyric switch.

oh crap.

I had to think fast.

Thing 1 says...."they said to drop your booby?"

"Um...yeah, like booby must be a song about mouse trap. "

And then I switched it to the Disney channel.

I might as well get a damn minivan.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

How To Get All The Hot Bitches

So now that I'm back in action so to speak... (that and my newest munchkin is a fan of I get to peruse some of my fave blogs once again.)

I wandered over to I didn't do it  ...seriously...if you don't laugh at the whole basic electronics symbols pic, you just don't get my sense of humour...
On his post a week or two back (Oct. 12) he links up to a company that makes wigs for dogs.

(Go to his website to check it out...yes, I'm forcing you over the picture of a pug in a wig is PRICELESS.)  - I know you want to check it out.

Anyways, it got me to thinking about my own dog.  He's a good looking hound dog/border collie cross.  Although most people ask if he is some sort of giant beagle (I kid you not, in fact he's starting to get embarrassed that people think he's a beagle...or at least I imagine he would be embarrassed if that sort of thing bothered him.)

Once I started pondering what he was thinking, the thoughts were endless.  He is starting to go a little grey...maybe he wants a wig.

I bet he's starting to notice that all the hot bitches (totally allowed to refer to female dogs as's politically correct...look it up) are thinking he's too old for them.  So perhaps I should invest in a wig...although I'm not sure if I should go for something natural...or perhaps something a little more "look at me"....

look at the embarrassment...
he flat out refused to look me in the eye.

He actually closed his eyes when I took a picture of him head on....


it's almost like he's saying "God, I hope the hot bitches don't recognize me."

OK...maybe a dog wig isn't such a hot idea.

P.S.  That is my actual dog and the shame is palpable.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

My Vacation Is Over...

Some of you may be wondering just pecisely where the hell I've been for the past 10 months.

Well, wonder no more.

I managed to get myself knocked up (spare me the birds and the bees was spugnut (pronounced SPUG-NUT) nĂºmero 3, so I have a pretty good idea exactly how it came about.)

Let me get you up to speed:

I spent my Christmas season trying to be ridiculously sneaky, making elaborate Mocktails, so that no one would suspect there was a baby on board. (I think only one friend actually caught on...the rest were apparently too wasted themselves.)  That phase was quickly followed by 3 months of pajamas and puking. Followed by 2 months of insanely low blood pressure (I'll save the story about fainting in a cage of monkeys in a foreign country for another think I'm kidding...but I'm not.) Top that up with a few months of feeling great and finish it off with a few hours of excruciating pain(guess who didn't have any drugs.  Long story short...I forgot to ask - once again, not kidding.) and then the cutest damn baby you've ever seen.

Yep, that about sums up the last 10 months...

I'm back.
I won't be on a "regular" schedule right away, but you'll be hearing more from me.