My Vacation Is Over...

Some of you may be wondering just pecisely where the hell I've been for the past 10 months.

Well, wonder no more.

I managed to get myself knocked up (spare me the birds and the bees lecture...it was spugnut (pronounced SPUG-NUT) número 3, so I have a pretty good idea exactly how it came about.)

Let me get you up to speed:

I spent my Christmas season trying to be ridiculously sneaky, making elaborate Mocktails, so that no one would suspect there was a baby on board. (I think only one friend actually caught on...the rest were apparently too wasted themselves.)  That phase was quickly followed by 3 months of pajamas and puking. Followed by 2 months of insanely low blood pressure (I'll save the story about fainting in a cage of monkeys in a foreign country for another time...you think I'm kidding...but I'm not.) Top that up with a few months of feeling great and finish it off with a few hours of excruciating pain(guess who didn't have any drugs.  Long story short...I forgot to ask - once again, not kidding.) and then the cutest damn baby you've ever seen.

Yep, that about sums up the last 10 months...

I'm back.

I won't be on a "regular" schedule right away, but you'll be hearing more from me.  

A Lesson on Little Ones

I spent the majority of my day holding a baby. :)

Mmmm....babies are so sweet, and small, and cuddly...it almost makes me want to have another one. However, this is Angela Apple Bottom's first baby, so I thought I'd give her a few pointers....(once again, I'm helpful like that.)

People always say, "Babies do 3 things, eat, sleep, and poop."..... I'm going to let you in on a little secret, they also cry.....and that will happen:

a) when you've just went to sleep
b) in the middle of the night
and/or
c) as soon as you are on the phone (by the way...it never stops...the phone ringing is like an imaginary switch that will cause every age of child to all of the sudden make a racket.)

Another common saying is "Sleeping like a baby"....just so you know, that means up every 2-4 hours crying, needing a new diaper, and fed...oh, then don't forget to burp him. I now use the saying "sleeping like a rock...."

But don't get me wrong, babies are wonderful little blessings....(don't worry, I'm not going to get all sappy on you....ok...maybe just a bit.)

It allowed me to catch up on absolutely every episode of Dawson's Creek in reruns. (It was on Monday to Friday at 5:00am....I actually started to loathe Saturdays and Sundays, because then what the hell was I going to watch. Seriously...Joey does not need Tom Cruise....she needs to go find Dawson, her true love.)

It also gives you a new appreciation for those snotty nosed kids. You know before you have a kid and you see someone out with their kids and they've got snotty noses...and you say to yourself "Frig...can't that woman see that she needs to wipe her child's nose....lazy ass!" Then one day, you'll be standing in the hardware store picking up paint to paint the next baby's room and you'll realize that your child is the one lookin' like a hobo.


There are another 1543 lessons to be learnt (probably a conservative estimate), but I'll let you learn a few for yourself.....like all the bells, whistles, and buttons involved in a car seat!