Tuesday, September 28, 2010

The Introduction of Becky Beaver Fever

I was looking through my pictures the other day when I thought....

Why the hell did I take a picture of Becky Beaver Fever's foot/shin?

Then, it dawned on me, I did it, because the story of how Becky Beaver Fever came to be named is just too funny not to share....And it really is one of those stories that never gets old.  Well, I bet it does for her, but that's beside the point.  It's ridiculously hilarious....and to prove it to you, I've done a little reenactment just for you.

And before you get all uppity about why this reenactment takes place in a living room...well they didn't exactly let me have the pick of the crop for this little video since I didn't want to pay....yeah, I'm cheap, but it's funnier in the living room anyways.

FYI...she was attacked by an actual beaver and not a man claiming to be a beaver.

p.s. In real life Becky Beaver Fever is always stylishly dressed, but I can't add any bling on here either....so there you go.

Physical Education for Fatties

OK...so the title is a wee bit misleading.

Back in the day...(which is one of my favorite phrases, although my husband insists it should only be used by people over the age of eighty....since I use it to mean anywhere between 2 to 27 years ago.)...anyways, back in the day, Phys. Ed teachers were fit.  I mean they had to teach us whippersnappers (also a word that should be used by seniors) phys. ed, somewhere between 6 to 8 times a day. 
Those teachers had to run the track, go cross country skiing, play dodge ball, and teach us how to run wind sprints (oh the joy!) nearly every period of the day.  They were fit...or at least I thought they were.   I didn't have no fattie teaching me phys. ed EVER.  I mean, truthfully I hated phys. ed....but lets face it, runts are not cut out for physical activity...and I was runt-ish....but in a cute way....except when my mother insisted that I get that perm. : (

So the other day I was sitting on the bench at the school (no, I'm not a creeper, I was waiting for my child to get out of school!), when I see the phys. ed teacher hollering at the older kids on which way they should run.  Then I saw the teacher.... chunky, I mean probably only slightly above average-ly chunky....but chunky nonetheless.  They definitely hadn't seen their share of physical activity .... well at least not in the last decade.

Now, don't be saying I'm a hater.  I'm fine with every size of person.  I don't care how big or small you are....unless we are in a picture together...if you're a small biotch...you better not be standing next to me....I hate that.  But shouldn't the phys. Ed teacher be the image of fitness?!  Would you go to a personal trainer that had a spare tire (that's for those of you that love to sweat, myself, I have a self proclaimed allergy to it....remember.).  No,you wouldn't....or at least if you did, you'd expect a discount.

So...whats your verdict....fit teachers for phys.ed or fatties?

Sunday, September 26, 2010

What To Do With An Earworm

I'm out of the loop.

This is pretty much always true.

So last week, I told you guys about that Mother, Mother song....Hayloft, you know the one.  (Or maybe you don't, in which case, you should really check it out....)  Anyways, I can't seem to get this song out of my head.  Apparently there is a whole website dedicated to this very phenomenon of having a song stuck in your head.  You can check it out here. (www.unhearit.com)

So I figured I'd give it a try, because, perhaps I'd find another catchy tune, but no,
instead I end up with some song called "My Sexy Humps Are Back."  WTF...Seriously, that is exactly what I thought.   I like to think that I'm rather up to speed on my musical pop trivia crap, but I have no clue what this song is supposed to be.  ...But, since I am so adventurous (ha ha), I decide to have a little listen. 

Basically it's every crappy song on the charts from 2004 mashed together.  So I decide to pick a new one...nope, it won't let me.  I must listen to this sexy humps garbage again.  I click on "new song" again.  no dice.  It's like the shitty music gods are striking me with lightening.  In fact, I pressed the damn button 15 times (and counting.)  It won't let me go. 

Now it dawns on me that its probably some sort of alien infused message thing.  Maybe some sort of mind control brought on by the Obama administration...either that or Brian Mulroney...never mind, I doubt that either of them are that smart.  So back to the alien theory I go. 

Finally....after attempt 32 (ish....with an emphasis on the ish...because lets face it....I quit counting after the fifth try.)  It lets me switch tunes....

Achy Breaky Heart.

Yeah, I think I'll listen to the Hayloft song again.

oh, and for those of you who thought an earworm was an actual insect...sorry...it's just a song stuck in your head.

What song did unhearit.com give you?

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Insane Crap You Can Buy On Ebay

It's true. I have too much time on my hands.

Sometimes, I just browse eBay, in case, I happen to find something good.

I say this, but truthfully, I've never bought a damn thing off of eBay. Besides all the good stuff is in England or the States. Then I'd have to pay shipping and all that crap. Then, guaranteed the rejects at customs like to keep my shit there for 4 weeks, until I undoubtedly have to phone and complain. So yeah, I'll just check out the second hand store up town for hot deals...or not. (but seriously, I just bought an old gumball machine there, I love it!  I'm not precisely sure what I'm going to do with it, other than the obvious, but I'll stock pile it, in my crap I've accumulated and refuse to get rid of pile)

Do you know the hot deals you can get on eBay?!

Well aside from matching salt and pepper shakers, duvet covers, and knock off designer purses, for the low price of $10,000 you can get a Vampire Invincibility Spell.
Don't believe me check it out here. (well only for the next 5 days, because then the listing is finished!)

Aside from that awesome spell, you could always go for the top seller, werewolf transformation, or maybe the old standby beauty spell.  In fact, for like $9.00 you can get a hair removal spell, which sounds mighty tempting, however, what about the whole long luscious locks I'm slowly growing out. I'm just lazy and don't want to shave my legs....but what if I end up with no eyebrows....(see, I think I'm going insane...I'm pondering this as though the spell will undoubtedly work!)

So, lets say that you have a spare $10 000 laying about.  And lets say, for the sake of my little rant here, that you bought the vampire invincibility spell.  How the hell do you prove that it doesn't work.  Because if you are only injured, then of course it worked, you could have died.  And...then you know, if you happen to be snuffed out, well then, you won't exactly be collecting a refund, will you?

I've decided that this lies somewhere between pure insanity and pure genius!  I think I've found my calling. 

p.s. I think its a bad sign that the seller says "makes u bulletproof"  I trust no one that uses that whole ridiculous texting slang while trying to be serious.  CUL8R
-yeah it only took me 3 years to figure out that little monstrosity of numbers and letters had nothing to do with cuter or curlers.
go figure.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

What's In A Name?


You know the whole "A rose by any other name, would smell as sweet..."  line.  Well I suppose that's true.  I mean a rose would still smell like a rose if you called it a stinkweed.  But nobody would want to pick it.

Take Viola En Vogue, I like her.  She's a nice girl....at times a bit high maintenance and sometimes irrational, but overall....she's pretty cool.  One of her little quirks is names.  No, not her own.  She dates men based upon names.  I mean its not an exclusive rating system or anything (not yet anyways!).  She had started to date this guy, Doug.  That was his death knell....I mean Doug....it sounds pretty normal.  However, this caused Viola to think of Doug...the cartoon from the 90's. 
Then she tried in vain to get Doug to go by DJ....but that was a no-go....so alas, she had to part ways with uber hot Doug. 

But it got me to thinking....sometimes there are bizarre names or horrendous names....(not Doug mind you).
When naming our children, my husband and I decided to give one a middle name of his grandmother.  I asked her if she would prefer if we used her first name or her middle name for our daughter's middle name.  She said use my first name, my middle name is awful.  I didn't think it could be that bad, but it was....and it was Mildred.  So we decided to opt for her first name.

oh...and I imagine that some of you are wondering what the hell is up with my name...Melicious. When I was a child the school principal called me Melicious.  He still does to this day.  I used to hate the name. It drove me crazy...I always thought that he meant that I was mean and nasty (which is only 60% true...and mainly between the hours of 3pm and 4am....and that ups to 85% if I've consumed more than 5 rye and pepsi's).  Anyways, one day another woman overheard him refer to me as Melicious and she said, "Thats such a cute nickname....its like Delicious....only with an M for your name....get it..."  ....I had never even considered it....and although the first definition may be more accurate....It has grown on me.

I want to hear it!....You must have some horrible name stories!

And I can't get this song out of my head....They're Canadian....so for those of you who are sick of Nickelback...give it a listen....and no, they're nothing like Nickelback...go ahead....press play.

you know you want to.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

It's Not You, It's Me


It's true.
I've been avoiding you.

Really, all of you.  I can't seem to think of anything even remotely amusing to write about, so I've been avoiding my blog.  Well that isn't going to get me anywhere, so I've decided, I'll just bore you with my daily activities.  You know, the ones I've been doing while avoiding all of you.

a)I've cleaned out my fridge.  I hate doing this....almost as much as I hate my other household chores.  But its clean....I've still been avoiding the freezer however....Hmmm I see a pattern developing here.

b) I decided I'd become a vegan.  But when I realized they didn't eat cheese, I said "screw it."  I thought maybe a vegetarian seemed a little more lax, but then I remembered about the half a cow that my husband ordered that's sitting in my deep freeze, so burgers it was.  That and being a Vegetarian Albertan is the biggest oxymoron ever.  (Yes, I can see you all snickering about the half a cow in my deep freeze, a) its way cheaper than buying beef at the store...and yes its already portioned into steaks and ground beef and such and b) nobody was more disgusted than me when I came across a parcel labelled "tongue"....WTF  I refuse to taste anything that can taste me back.) 

c) I started to work on the Picaboo book for my parents....they went on vacation and took 3420 pictures.  No I am not exaggerating.  Its nearly crashed my computer twice and Picaboo keeps sending me messages that say "Picaboo works best with 300 pictures or less."  Well Picaboo...that's your problem... You can phone my parents, they are obviously camera happy.  In fact, wouldn't you make more money Picaboo, if I had to make a 284 page book to fit all their pictures in?

d) I've been busy Granny-sitting.  My husband's Grandma broke her hip, so she's staying with my in-laws for a bit.  I was the designated granny-sitter the other day, so I spent the whole day with her.  It was actually pretty good.  Especially when she said "I'm surprised he can do that many things at once...you know, he fried his brain pretty good with all those drugs."   83 year old woman saying this....priceless.

e) I've been busy hanging out at the playground.  This is what moms do.  No, its not exciting, but you do get to see who doesn't even bother to shower and change out of their pajama's when they take their kids to school....yeah...not that exciting.

f) I've been planning my Halloween costume....I can't decide between Geisha, Poison Ivy, Yip Yip Aliens from Sesame street, or 50's housewife.  And no, I'm not one of those females who turns every possible outfit into trashy skank outfit either.

So...there you go.

That has been my week while trying to beat this writer's block.

What's your vote for the Halloween costume?

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

What's Wrong With The World Today

And no, its not Justin Beiber.

I like senior citizens.  In fact, my husband jokingly says I'm like the senior whisperer.  I genuinely like 96% of our senior population.  For starters, they have interesting stories.  None of this "omg, I'm gonna hit you with the cork and all" bologna that goes on nowadays (see the post below for the back story on that crap.)  

Anyway, Seniors also have a different look on everything.

Whilst talking to an old lady today, she informed me of what is wrong with the world today....

wait for it.....

Big purses.

That's right.

The creation of big purses.  And here was her reasoning:

a) They are easier to grab.  Those Hoodlums steal purses and when you have a little one, you can keep it close to your body.  With a big one, you are just asking to get robbed, plus people know that you keep more things in it.  (OK, that's not completely ridiculous, but really, I don't think a big purse is easier to steal, but what do I know, I don't exactly lurk about stealing purses.)

b) Big Purses are really just a creation by the kleptomaniacs of the world.  "Who needs a purse that big?  I'll tell you who.... people who steal.  You know they get like three ladies and they huddle around and then they steal everything in the store with a big purse like that!"

c) Some correlation between large purses and a spike in crime rate....Truthfully, this lady falls into the 4% of seniors who gets slightly on my nerves.  She wouldn't leave me alone about this purse issue. Luckily/Thankfully her husband (who falls into the 96%) saw her and gathered her up.

So what crazy old people theories have you run across?

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

What Is The World Coming To?

I get it....really, I do.  I was 12 once too...and back then there was no Justin Beiber.

That's right, he just flat out didn't exist. (Not technically, we're talking in the 'omigod he's the cutest 12 year old boy with a girly hair-do' kind of way). 

Some girl in godknowswhere has decided she's over her Justin Beiber obsession. you can check it out if you want. But thats the gist of 'er....she rips down a Beiber poster.

Then all the crazies come out of the woodwork....as you'll see here in 3.....2.....1.....

Feel free to fast forward to the 0:35 mark, so you can catch the whole wine bottle in the face thing.  Whaaaat....I don't think she's old enough to be throwin' wine bottles!?!?

We didn't have Justin Beiber we had....Jonathan Taylor Thomas

That's right, also, the Internet was a rather new thing, so I couldn't post myself ripping down his poster....which truthfully I never had. Although I did have a New Kids on The Block backpack, which my mother made me use the next year in school even though they weren't cool anymore. (A punishment far worse than "cork and all" wine bottles...well unless you are over 18, then being cool at school doesn't necessarily hold the same importance.)

Just a quick sidenote, I think this girl is going to be in my nightmares tonight.

It is this exact crap that makes me want to rewind the clock to when you could have a Popeye's fake cigarette candy and nobody thought twice about it....yeah...back in 1987 (give or take 5 years).  You know what would've happened then...someone would've called up ol' "cork and all's"  mom and told her that she should keep an eye on her kid.  Then "cork and all" would've apologized for this tomfoolery...(also a word I've been waiting to use...that's right....enough of this tomfoolery...back to work!)

p.s.  For all you crazy Beiber Stalkers...I do not know him or own any posters. sorry.
and I'm totally using "cork and all" as my new nickname for those crazy biotches that I run across.

p.p.s  I've purposely misspelled Beiber's name to drive everyone crazy!