Apparently I'm Not Done Picking On Dogs Yet....and The Potential Proof of Evolution Through Lady Parts.

Yes.
I like making ridiculously long titles, just so you are forced to come over here to read the rest of it.
(Also, I thought putting Uterus in the title was tacky....who am I kidding?!)

Last night, I just happened to be hanging with the baby at 2:30 a.m., when I heard this creepy noise at the door. It was freaky. I had just let the dog out (yes, he's still giving me the silent treatment)...so that left one of two options

A) A serial killer had killed my dog and was now toying with me in hopes that I would walk outside, directly into his trap.

B) It was the dog.

Since I've seen my share of scary movies, I decided to go out the front door to investigate the goings on at the other door.

Guess what...

It was the f*#%ing dog! Digging through the garbage....because of course, I have nothing better to do than to pick that crap up during daylight hours. I had kinda thought he was still pissed off about the whole wig thing (which I'm still laughing about), but this seals it. He's apparently still beyond pissy.

He's been warned about this behaviour...yet it continues.

I've Informed him that if he keeps this 'tude up, I'll have no choice but to recreate this photo that I scooped off of Pinterest with him as the main subject.

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 He didn't look impressed, so I'm hoping that I got my point across. Don't dig in the freaking garbage!!!

(secretly I'm hoping that he keeps the attitude up - that picture is hilarious...but don't tell him that.)

Also, in other baby related news, the Duggar's are expecting their 20th baby. Shhh...listen carefully, you can hear her uterus weeping from here.   Never mind, that's my uterus giving hers sympathy cries. Seriously though, my uterus would have fled the scene about 15 babies back. If ever there were an argument for evolution, this is it. Just wait, a few more babies and that uterus is gonna grow itself some feet and a heartbeat and run away as fast as it can.

How To Get All The Hot Bitches

OK,
So now that I'm back in action so to speak... (that and my newest munchkin is a fan of naps...so I get to peruse some of my fave blogs once again.)

I wandered over to I didn't do it  ...seriously...if you don't laugh at the whole basic electronics symbols pic, you just don't get my sense of humour...
On his post a week or two back (Oct. 12) he links up to a company that makes wigs for dogs.

(Go to his website to check it out...yes, I'm forcing you over there...plus the picture of a pug in a wig is PRICELESS.)  - I know you want to check it out.

Anyways, it got me to thinking about my own dog.  He's a good looking hound dog/border collie cross.  Although most people ask if he is some sort of giant beagle (I kid you not, in fact he's starting to get embarrassed that people think he's a beagle...or at least I imagine he would be embarrassed if that sort of thing bothered him.)

Once I started pondering what he was thinking, the thoughts were endless.  He is starting to go a little grey...maybe he wants a wig.

I bet he's starting to notice that all the hot bitches (totally allowed to refer to female dogs as bitches...it's politically correct...look it up) are thinking he's too old for them.  So perhaps I should invest in a wig...although I'm not sure if I should go for something natural...or perhaps something a little more "look at me"....

look at the embarrassment...

he flat out refused to look me in the eye.

He actually closed his eyes when I took a picture of him head on....

See:

it's almost like he's saying "God, I hope the hot bitches don't recognize me."

OK...maybe a dog wig isn't such a hot idea.

P.S.  That is my actual dog and the shame is palpable.

Sometimes You Have To Get Creative

Thankfully it's warmed up here.

In fact, it's damn near tropical at -5.  It sure beats the -40 (with the windchill) that we've had the past few days.

I try not to complain about the weather, because the truth is, it's not surprising.  I've lived in Alberta my whole life.  Chances are pretty good that at some point between the months of November and March that there will be a ton of snow.  Chances are the thermometer will dip below -30.  Chances are there isn't a damn thing I can do about it, so I try not to dwell on the fact that it's cold.

But the cold brings about problems that drive me crazy.

The kids are cold.  I must dress them in all the gear from toques to ski pants to snow boots and beyond.  easy fix.

The Yukon won't start. I must plug it in....problem solved.

The one thing that drives me crazy....is the satellite dish. 

Since the guy who installed it was a lazy SOB (that Starchoice sent), it sits in the one spot on our roof that always (and I mean ALWAYS) gets a snow drift. 

When my husband is home, I usually complain enough that he manages to concoct a scheme involving ladders and broom handles taped together. However, he currently is away....and



I'm just too damn short.

I tried that, but we don't have a very tall ladder, so currently I'm hooped.

I figured that it'd melt in a few days, but now we are on day 5 with cooped up kidlets and no TV.  Thankfully we have an extensive DVD collection.

So I thought, I could do this....I can fix that blasted satellite dish....I mean , why can't I?

After much consideration....I decided that this was my best option:

(yes...that exact model)

So, if you happened to drive by last night and saw me precariously perched on a chair from our patio set spraying hot water 40 feet in the air ...that's what I was up to.



and just for the record....no ....it didn't work.

(and I ended up with a soaking wet arm...and now there is probably and inch of ice on the damn thing)

But as I said....it's warming up here...only another 3 days and I'm betting the Satellite will come around.

What has been your best unconventional fix it plan?

What a CATastrophe!

I'm not sure why I end up with so many cat posts.  I'm more of a dog person myself....or a salamander person...but I'll save that for another post.

I try to have coffee with Arabella Apple Juice on a regular basis.  Due to this nasty cold/flu/cholera that I'm experiencing, it's been a while. 

A month ago or so she asked me to keep an eye out for anyone who may like an adult cat.  They had two cats and thought that they should ship the one off, because truthfully, it's really in it's own little world...and well there are other reasons, but if I listed them, you'd know who I was talking about...(that's right all you gossippy girls of town!)

So, I kept on the look out for anyone who might want a cat.  Although truthfully, I didn't look that hard, because I thought it was maybe just a phase and that Arabella might want to keep the cat after all.

A few weeks later, I returned for coffee.

source

"Did you find someone to take the cat?"  I ask casually while thing 1 and thing 2 play about 6 ft from us.

"Shhhh...yes."

"Shhh...what?  why are we shhh-ing?" 

"He's gone....and the kids don't know." Arabella whispers

"What do you mean, the kids don't know?  How do they not notice a cat that's been here since before they were born has gone missing?"

"Yeah, I told you...the cat just does what he wants, he's never around anyways.  He'll be way happier with this other person.  They really wanted an older cat." 

"So...what's your plan?"  I logically inquire.

"Yeah...I don't think they'll notice.  But I've got a plan for this family supper on the weekend.  If someone asks about a cat....I'm going to say....CATaracts...yeah, I think she got them removed....you know, or something along those lines.  So I have to think up different CAT words, just in case someone mentions the cat."

"Or...you could tell the kids?"

"Let's think up CAT words..."

And so we did.
That is why Arabella is great.  Because how many people would devote 45 minutes to thinking up CAT words instead of saying "hey, we gave that annoying cat away."

So...let's hear 'em....CAT words?

Don't Look Now!

A road trip with Butter Ripple Liquorlips is truly like no other.

She always says the most ridiculous things.

Enjoying our rather scenic drive to the city and listening to each others music...finally after about an hour and a half of her tunes, I get to play one.  Butter Ripple says

"Do you know what this song needs...?'

"No, I don't" I reply

"It needs finger cymbals" says Butter Ripple

"What?!  Did you just say finger cymbals...Who even owns finger cymbals?!...that's ridiculous!"

"Well, I would own finger cymbals...if you bought them for me for my birthday."

"Yeah...I'll get all over that."

So it wasn't exactly out of the ordinary when she said

"Don't look now, but we are being followed by a pack of cats."

I quickly glance in the rear view mirror....no cats.  Then I do a full shoulder check...no cats.

'What?!  I don't see any freaking cats."

"Really?!  You can't see them, they're practically stalking us!"

I look again...but this is all I see

source

"All I see is a bunch of power lines!"

"Exactly!!!  Don't you think they look like cats kinda?"

Well, I suppose that they kind of do....

Yes, We Are Grown Women

 What happens when you put 8 ladies in a room with alcohol and a cut out of Robert Pattinson....?

Well, nothing good can come of this.(don't worry, there's photographic evidence to follow)

I belong to a small group of ladies, that from here on out will be referred to as "The Ladies."  The Ladies and I get together every month.  Each of us has a turn in hosting an evening throughout the year.  We do all sorts of things.  Go for dinner, drink, go to movies, drink, go on scavenger hunts, Amazing Races, and sometimes we drink.  (But truthfully, it's alot less drinking than I imply, because...well chances are at any given moment there are at least two ladies who are pregnant and/or nursing.) 

Last week it was my turn.  Being the hysterically funny person that I am...I bought a Robert Pattinson cardboard cut out.  Yes, it's true.  Just a little FYI, it was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life (except for when I was 8 and had to go to the doctor to get a sliver extracted from my hooha...note to self...don't slide down wood banisters.)  Anyways, the local video store (Jim's Video...that's right, there's no Blockbuster around these parts) has had a cardboard cutout of the Hollywood heartthrob for months.  I figure, being the awesome customer that I am, I'll take it off their hands for $29.99.  I stroll in to the store prepared to do my best 'I'm not sure who this guy is and I'm not some crazed woman who is going to dance nude with a cut out of a sparkly vampire' act.  When they inform me that these cut outs are a hot seller and that they keep having to order more in.  Seriously, I was as shocked as you are now.

I had been planning the purchase for weeks.  It's a small town and the rumour mill would be going crazy if someone saw me walk out of the store with the massive cut out of a sparkl-icious vampire (really since when do vampires sparkle?!).  Long story short...it folds up so that nobody knows that you are secretly carrying a vampire with you. 



And no, Twilight, was not my premise for the evening.  It was The Price Is Right...and he was a prize...well, just in case some one's husband was gone, then they didn't have to enjoy the wine alone.



Well the poor cardboard cut out didn't last the evening. 



After we all posed with him, we decided he needed to go to the bar (everyone knows that a silent and good looking man is priceless) .  Some jealous bitches tore our man up.  And by jealous bitches, I mean two drunk guys.





well, if this is the dumbest thing I do all year, I'm good.

p.s.  I'm in the purple...but my eyes looked crazed...so black out bar you get.

And for those ladies who are wondering where the hell your picture is...they didn't all turn out...and some of you weren't as enthusiastic as others. :(

Kemo Treats: Review

Last week, Viola en Vogue...my ever helpful friend, told me to give this new group a little listen.

She guaranteed me that it would be laugh your ass off funny.  Their name is  Kemo Treats. (yeah, its a little bizarre I know.)

So, I decided to take a little look around the Internet to see what all they had out there...when I came across this review for them.
(Don't bother listening to all of it...or really even much of it...this guy is a really annoying douche bag...10 seconds will do you.)


So this guy hates on Kemo Treats, which in my mind is enough to like them.

Kemo Treats is made up of two guys, Smoovie and The Wiz and is "Edmonton's Premiere Gangsta Rappers."  Their words, not mine.  Anyways....they definitely rap...but I don't know about Gangsta rap, (although, they probably live in Crapilano, so that could classify as gangsta., I suppose) more like rap comedy.  Whatever, I like it.  It's funny.

I had to go over to their site to actually check out their music. (wtf...you guys need to put up some full songs somewhere!)  They definitely have to get a music video...at least for Ice Cream Man.  That's right, they have a whole rap song about the ice cream man....and it rocks.  To go with it, they also have a song about pinky swears and straight camping.

Yep...this is them (I wonder where he got them pants...he's on fire!..yeah...I know that was lame...)

Truthfully, the beats and such remind me of ICP's The Great Milenko album...only with funnier lyrics. (And no, don't bother asking why a small town white girl was listening to ICP....it was a phase...lets just leave it at that.) When I finally found video of  "Smoovie and The Wiz" .... well, then, you get the idea that these two are celiac's and allergic to the sun...and perhaps bonded when they were 12 over those dungeons and dragons trading cards....but I don't care, they're funny.

I'm off to go invent my own rap...I  only have two lines so far, but it'll save me loads of time at the bar....that way  I won't have to holler this shit from atop a chair anymore.

"Hear you had Chlamydia,
 I think he should get rid a ya...."

It's going to be classic, I can just tell.


p.s. - since they are so speedy they've let me know that they have a myspace page.
(seriously...myspace still exists!)...and you can check out full songs there...much better.

The Introduction of Becky Beaver Fever

I was looking through my pictures the other day when I thought....

Why the hell did I take a picture of Becky Beaver Fever's foot/shin?

Then, it dawned on me, I did it, because the story of how Becky Beaver Fever came to be named is just too funny not to share....And it really is one of those stories that never gets old.  Well, I bet it does for her, but that's beside the point.  It's ridiculously hilarious....and to prove it to you, I've done a little reenactment just for you.




And before you get all uppity about why this reenactment takes place in a living room...well they didn't exactly let me have the pick of the crop for this little video since I didn't want to pay....yeah, I'm cheap, but it's funnier in the living room anyways.

FYI...she was attacked by an actual beaver and not a man claiming to be a beaver.

p.s. In real life Becky Beaver Fever is always stylishly dressed, but I can't add any bling on here either....so there you go.

What Is The World Coming To?

I get it....really, I do.  I was 12 once too...and back then there was no Justin Beiber.

That's right, he just flat out didn't exist. (Not technically, we're talking in the 'omigod he's the cutest 12 year old boy with a girly hair-do' kind of way). 

Some girl in godknowswhere has decided she's over her Justin Beiber obsession. you can check it out if you want. But thats the gist of 'er....she rips down a Beiber poster.

Then all the crazies come out of the woodwork....as you'll see here in 3.....2.....1.....

Feel free to fast forward to the 0:35 mark, so you can catch the whole wine bottle in the face thing.  Whaaaat....I don't think she's old enough to be throwin' wine bottles!?!?

We didn't have Justin Beiber we had....Jonathan Taylor Thomas

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That's right, also, the Internet was a rather new thing, so I couldn't post myself ripping down his poster....which truthfully I never had. Although I did have a New Kids on The Block backpack, which my mother made me use the next year in school even though they weren't cool anymore. (A punishment far worse than "cork and all" wine bottles...well unless you are over 18, then being cool at school doesn't necessarily hold the same importance.)

Just a quick sidenote, I think this girl is going to be in my nightmares tonight.

It is this exact crap that makes me want to rewind the clock to when you could have a Popeye's fake cigarette candy and nobody thought twice about it....yeah...back in 1987 (give or take 5 years).  You know what would've happened then...someone would've called up ol' "cork and all's"  mom and told her that she should keep an eye on her kid.  Then "cork and all" would've apologized for this tomfoolery...(also a word I've been waiting to use...that's right....enough of this tomfoolery...back to work!)

p.s.  For all you crazy Beiber Stalkers...I do not know him or own any posters. sorry.
and I'm totally using "cork and all" as my new nickname for those crazy biotches that I run across.

p.p.s  I've purposely misspelled Beiber's name to drive everyone crazy!

Pickled Egg Fiasco

OK...

I know I've been a little sporadic on the posts as of late, but I promise, once summer (yeah, I use that term loosely to describe the 3 months of rain and gloom that we've had) ends, I'll post more regularly.

Anyways, we went on a little road trip out to Viking, yes, that is an actual town and no, its not nearly as cool of a place as it sounds.  So this is what we did to occupy our time...and yes I also use the term "we" loosely because never ...even hammered out of mind...would I do this.

He walked away with $190 a kool-aid juice box, half and apple juice and a pair of safety glasses....Yeah...I wouldn't do that for double that...but hey, I'm not really into living dangerously a la pickled egg juice...but what do I know, I'm a square.

Would you do that for money....?!?

Don't Bother With Another CD

I'd like to say that I have an eclectic taste in music.

Really, I like a lot of different kinds of music....and I happen to still like and listen to most of the crap I listened to in the 90's(Don't judge).  My iPod holds practically a zillion songs and today I put it on itunes DJ and just let it play whatever. 

Thats when I was reminded of this little gem....that I apparently liked enough to download (keep in mind that there wasn't itunes in '95, so obviously I downloaded this crap in the last 4 years or so....although for personal embarrasment sakes, I'm going to blame a sibling...you decide which one.)



All I can say is ......


go ahead...press play.


(ok...that was probably the best part of this post....go ahead, you know you want to press it again.)

Yeah...and if you think thats bad, apparently he has decided to release a new album sometime next year

and I'll hop aboard the crazy train and quote him....

"... I'm making a brand new record that will drop early next year. It is right there with the first Justin Timberlake's first CD. I haven't done an album since 1997, but it sold six million copies and fans have always asked me for more. And I would not have waited this long and gone down this path again if I didn't think we had something." source  (yeah, I know...it doesn't quite make sense with the whole 'first Justin Timberlake's first CD' thing...maybe, like many a child star he found his way to the bad stuff..or maybe the Yahoo's at Yahoo misprinted it...ok...its probably the latter of the two.)



I'm going to help him out....and say...don't bother.  Those 6 million copies were sold to completely idiotic tweens/teens...and now we're all a bit older.  We totally reserve the whole going crazy over 80's/90's stars for New Kids on The Block.

I hope I'll have to eat my words...because I mean .... he was a total heart throb in the 90's....and if he wasn't such an idiot on 'Blossom', I would've had a super crush on him.  I mean he's no Jonathan Brandis or 90's Leonardo Dicaprio (you know, back when he was hot.)...and really he'll never even hold a flame to several of the NKOTB....but hey...I'm not stuck in the 90's. 

Wait a second...I've got to go...I accidently put my hypercolor shirt in the dryer.

Vanity Plates....The Good, The Bad, and The Funny

Vanity Plates. I always thought the key to a good vanity plate required a bit of thought, but not too much, since those reading it may only have a few seconds to gather the intel.

This would be an example of a vanity plate that is bad...( unless your idea of cool is crossing the Red Sea on foot...ok...so that does sound kind of cool):

Yep...they actually put a biblical verse on their car. And curiosity got the best of me and I figured out just what was in John Chapter 3, Verse 4. "Truly, truly, I say to you, unless one is born again he cannot see the kingdom of God." Although, I don't quite get why you'd want it, only other super-Christians would know what it meant, but perhaps that's the idea. Really....do that many people memorize biblical passages....on second thought, don't answer that.

This one....also NOT cool....unless perhaps you're a garbage man....then I can see the irony.

...here are some good ones:

Who didn't love The Goonies?.....


(WHAT??? You didn't love the Goonies....its a classic!)

Isn't that awesome?!

Well...just goes to show you that the DMV/Registry Office is full of
a) geniuses - who thought that this would be hilarious.
or
b)idiots - who didn't catch just why someone in Virginia would want to put 'eat the' on their licence plate.

and this.....

don't get it?....

here's a little refresher for you:


What's that....it means nothing to you? How can that be?!?!? Its classic 80's....I suggest you listen to it again.

There was a time when I wanted my number to be 867-5309 (ok...so that isn't true...not even a little bit.) .....then again after watching this video they aren't quite the heartthrobs that I imagined.

The Lone Taco

I love weekends. Well, weekends when I actually have exciting things to do. This past weekend, I got to catch up with Butter Ripple Liquorlips and Viola En Vogue. I don't often see them, so it was a good time.

Now everyone in the world has a different sense of style (except for those poor sheep who only wear what 'the man' deems as cool....nevermind...thats me....only I'm like 3 years behind whats cool.) Anyways, Butter Ripple has her own sense of style far different from the rest of the world....or at least far different from me.....which isn't necessarily bad.

Viola and Butter Ripple both have a deep love for leggings. I however do not and keep hoping that leggings are on their way out...but so far, no such luck. I mean I always thought the rule was, 'if you wore the item when it was first trendy (80's), you can't wear it during the next trend cycle (now).' Apparently Butter Ripple and Viola don't adhere to this rule. But then again, I don't think that Butter Ripple adheres to any fashion rules.

I didn't say much when she wore the headband with the giant green feather, and I zipped my lips when she went with the hobo hat/toque do...(in the summer), but this is where I had to draw the line.
Just when I thought I could detest Butter Ripple's fashion sense anymore, I spied her wearing these hot items.

Just what the heck are they? you ask....they're tacos.... (although they could easily be debated as pitas or falafels....even though I'm not quite sure what the requirements of a falafel are.) But she made them and she claims that they're tacos....so there you go.

Not just any ol' tacos though....these ones are earrings. (ok...so that might be a little obvious from the picture above.)

and she lost one.

So if you happen to be in/around Calgary airport....keep your eyes open....

you may come across a lonely taco.

Mugshot Mishaps

I'm sure that throughout the world, there are thousands of mugshots taken daily. I'd like to thank these people for adding a ray of sunshine to the stack of otherwise monotonous mugshots.

You know when you wake up and you're thinking hmmm....should I straighten my hair or curl it. Why not go with a little of column A and a little of column B....I like to call it the Half-fro.

or for all you guys out there.....ever get tired half way through shaving and think....aw....screw it!
apparently he did.

And this guy....he's great.

Thank goodness he tattooed that there, otherwise I never would have guessed. (for those of you who can't see, it says 'Ladies Love it'....and seriously are those lipstick marks tattooed on there too?) For some reason I'm willing to bet that he isn't that great with the ladies, but hey a positive attitude is half the battle....right?

Don't you hate it when girlfriend steals your outfit!


This guy....well I'm as puzzled as you are.....Arts and crafts gone awry?

(never mind...I looked into it....apparently gold is his favorite color of paint to huff....who knew?)

Sometimes you just have to make the best of a bad situation....

He is either throwin' a little sugar at the officers in hopes of a little favor trade or really thinking ahead that this is the prime opportunity to get a snapshot for his profile picture on Plenty of Fish....I mean really, he couldn't do any worse than the cat men out there.


P.S. I don't think that spray paint huffer really prefers gold paint, I'm sure any ol' color will do.

Yo-yo Master of Disguise

I have as today's blog topic....Proof that anyone can get on TV.
Did you ever have an imaginary talent, that you were hoping would bring you fame? Well, look no further than.....K Strass....yo-yo master....





WOW!.....I can't believe they let him on TV....and then after he failed epically, the interviewer said nothing about it. I also love how he confirms that his web address is zipzapllc.com (which doesn't exist by the way...that's right, I looked it up) when his shirt clearly says ZIM ZAM!

The rap....its clever, alright....just imagine what he could have done with the headpiece, you know, the one he usually has.

I didn't know that you could use muscle memory as an excuse....but look out....I've just added that to my allergy to sweat on why I can't workout.


I can't even keep a straight face....if you thought that was funny...check out a few of his other TV appearances on youtube. Because, yes, more than one TV show has had him on....with the same results every time. Do they not do a little bit of research about someone before they have them on?


K Strass just made my day. And he's got me thinking.....maybe I could take up having an imaginary talent.....perhaps the kazoo....hmmm.



Never mind....this dude has me beat....plus he comes with his own bubble blower.