I'll Take the 7 Years

I like to think that my husband has good taste...really, I do.  I mean, after all he did marry me.  I know he undoubtedly lost style points when he thought that tapered jeans were still all the rage after 1995, but I've since straightened him out...and he'll now deny ever even wearing the things. 

However, he has horrible taste in home decorating (really, just in the realm of mirrors.)   I decided to paint pretty much most of the upstairs.  At first, the reason was all the dented up walls (courtesy of the two little anklebiters that reside here), but then I saw an even better reason for deciding to redecorate.

THIS:

(I know that it isn't the best photo, but it was either that or a picture of me in the mirror...and I forgot to do it while it was still up on the wall, so this is what you get....crappy mirror next to my robin's egg blue wall...yet one more reason why I shouldn't be allowed to pick paint colors.)

We received it as a wedding gift (from people that we actually like) and I wanted to huck it.  I lost that argument and before I knew it, it was up on the wall.  But not just any wall, not some dark corner or basement bathroom.  Noooooooooooo....He put the f*&^ing thing up so that as soon as you opened the front door you'd gaze into its disturbing beveled edges.  

For years, I had friends walk in and look at the mirror and then back to me and say things like "uh, nice mirror....1987 called..." or "Wow...thats a real awesome mirror you have there...was it your mom's...or was it his mom's"

Nope, unfortunately its ours...

But not anymore....I contemplated giving it to Viola En Vogue, because she does like to look at herself in mirrors (actually she does it rather frequently...can you count that as a hobby?), but she's too trendy, she would die if she had to have that in her place. 

I did think about breaking it, but that's seven years bad luck or something, plus maybe some sucker will buy it at my garage sale. On second thought, seven years isn't so bad if it means I'll never have to see that thing again.

What is the one freaking ugly thing (lets hope there aren't too many!) that your spouse/significant other/roommate insists on displaying?

Cheater, Cheater, Pumpkin Eater

Apparently someone out there has came up with a list of crap that can predict if you are going to cheat...

In no particular order I give you: 

(drum roll please...)


1. If you live in a large city, you're 39 percent more likely to have an affair than those who live in small towns and rural areas.

No shit!  I'll tell all you city folk why...because in a small town this is gossip gold, I should know.  I got my greedy little ears on a hot story about two married folk...screwing around...yeah...thats right.  News travels fast in small towns...and even faster when it involves sex.


2. If you earn $75,000 or more per year, you're over 150 percent more likely to have an affair than those who earn $30,000 per year or less.

Whew....I'm in the clear.  The government sends me $100 a kid per month.  I rake in $2400 a year (for those of you bad I math, I helped you out there.)  Plus all the money I rake in from Adsense, wait a second I don't have adsense, because I don't think I need that extra 12 cents a month.

3. If you think about sex every day, you're 22 percent more likely to have an affair than those who think about sex just a few times a week.


Who are these liars? nuns...nope, Im sure that they think about it more than a few times a week...and they've never even had sex...or have they?

4. If you and your spouse lived together before getting married, there's a 39 percent chance that at least one of you will cheat on the other.

Do people still get married without living together? I mean other than bible thumpers...which ties in to some other reason this guy has listed.  Yeah....how else do you know if they are going to drive you f*&^ing nuts? 


5. If your identical twin has had an affair, you're 200 percent more likely to have an affair yourself than if your twin had not.

And here I am without a twin.  Then how do you tell? 
I'm curious as to where they got their information.  That, and this tidbit of twinsie info isn't nearly as interesting as the whole they can sense when each other are in pain thing.

6. If you're African-American, you're a little more than twice as likely than men of other ethnic backgrounds to have an affair.

I think this is just because men think its fun to say " My baby's mamma is a triflin' ho."  Actually I think that's pretty fun to say too.... look out all you triflin' hos.

7. If you've never attended religious services, you're 250 percent more likely to have extramarital sex than those who attend religious services more than once a week.

Whoa, well praise be to JesusAllahVishnuJehovahYahwehKrishna....I think I've got it covered...you know, just in case they don't consider blogging a religion.


If you'd like to read up on the other gazillion ridiculous risk factors, go ahead, but you'll be wasting your time, I already showed you all the good ones.

Abstinence is Awesome

So the other night I was in line at Wal-Mart.  Yeah, its true, I shop there.  Truthfully there aren't alot of options on a Saturday night for buying much of anything.  In this town at 8:30 pm on Saturday, its either a gas station or Wal-Mart.  (yes, I know that the 4 of you from town here are also going to let me know of the other 5 stores that may or may not be open on Saturday's here, but roll with me, I'm cheap and Wal-mart is closest to my house...and yes, that means the difference between a 3 minute trip and a 4 minute trip.)

Anyways, I had put my items on the little conveyor belt thing-a-ma-jig and then wandered over to the place with the gum to pick out some gum.  I'm like that, the store wasn't busy so its not like I was holding up the line.  I grabbed the gun (haha...I wish, I mean gum) and turned around to a larger lady who said "I'm just going to cut in front of you, K."   Well, at this point all my other crap (basically chips, dip, and juice boxes,) had already been rung through, so I said, "Sorry, I'm half way through" and tossed the gum on the conveyor belt-ma-jig.  She gave me a snarly look.

That's when I looked at her and saw her wearing this gem...

If you want to order your very own click here.

Well from this point on really, the jokes write themselves.  I wish I had my camera, but I didn't so I had to google the saying to find the t-shirt. 

I get it, you know, the whole "abstinence is awesome" thing.  I think we should hand these puppy's out at schools everywhere.  Because truthfully, teenagers have the capacity to make stupid decisions.  I should know, I once was one. (Yes, I know that so do grown adults....I'd give examples, but I was threatened with inches of my life to not add his name on here.)

It got me to thinking, why in the hell would a somewhere under 39ish (yet over 33ish) woman wear that shirt?
Here are my possible answers...

a)  Just letting all those sessy men who are knocking down her door that she ain't opening up the candy shop anytime soon. (yeah, I highly doubt that one.)

b) She's wearing it to promote sex amongst the teenage population (What?? Don't get it?  Well if she is what abstinence looks like, I'll take the opposite.)

c) Trying to be funny...in which case, she should parade around with 14 kids, now that would be funny.

By the way...I think that her purchase adds to the humour of the story:

yeah, its a hand held vibrator massager.

Anyways, long story short, I hate when people be throwing me snarly looks. 

(yes, that statement was channeling my inner pirate.) Arrgh

Have your own possible answers for why?  Let me know.

Butter Ripple's Route

OK...So Butter Ripple Liquorlips is rackin' up the air miles fast.  Next week, she has decided to take a trip to Florida.  She is driving down and then flying back and has planned it out to take about 10 days.

Now granted, I am not much of a USA buff.  Yes, we have to learn about all of the States back in Grade 5, but truthfully, I never really kept up with it.  (After I was horribly mocked for calling Arkansas  AR...KANSAS...you know like the pirate version of Kansas....ARRR-KANSAS... I lost interest....seriously, that is a true story.)   I know where most of the coastal states are, but in truth, if its in the interior, I haven't a clue as to where each state is. 

Butter Ripple has mapped her way out as follows. (Obviously, she too is more comfortable with the coastal states.)  In order to pay the most money for fuel in the history of a trip to Florida she will be back tracking several times.  Yes....she's crazy (....this diagnosis is not confirmed.)

I have kindly mapped out an alternative route (once again, I'm  nice like that),  but she insists that you never hear of crazy shit going on in Wyoming or Nebraska (which is true...I think, but then again, I don't keep up on all the hot goss over there.)  That and I think that she's afraid that if she goes to Utah she'll turn into a Mormon and love to scrapbook...which doesn't sound horrible to me, but for Butter Ripple, it's a fate worse than death.  (Her name is Butter Ripple Liquorlips for a reason!)  That said, I told her that she couldn't miss Kansas...hello...ruby slippers anyone.  But she informed me that she didn't care for Toto, so there you go. 

So in true Butter Ripple fashion, she will be hitting all the hot spots that serve booze...and lots of it.  On second thought, maybe that isn't such a bad way to plan a trip.

Catwoman on the Prowl

Apparently a woman dressed up as Catwoman has been holding up stores in New York.

She's only ripping off shoe and jewellery stores for small change....so not quite Mission Im'paw'sible style.

However on a 'paw'sitive note, the police sketch saves the story:

Yeah...its great. That's a catburglar if I ever saw one!...(OK, I get it..enough with the side eyes...I'll stop the lame jokes!)

Obviously they feel this is  an accurate depiction...but personally I don't think the whiskers are to proportion.(What?  I bet you think they're purr-fect...OK...that was the last one...I promise.)  But hey, who am I to say?  This sounds like a job for Batman....(or perhaps Catman)

wait for it......yep, in 3........2.......1

all the Batman crazies will be coming out of the woodwork.

Welcome to the Twilight Zone

You are now entering the Twilight Zone...

So, last night I was at my parents for supper....when my dad says...."So, that Lady Gaga...that's quite the video she has for that Alejandro song, hey?"

Whaaaaaaaaaattt?  This is 10 shades of wrong.  Why in the hell would my dad want to watch that?!?

So, I ask.

(yeah, I know I found the ugliest picture that I possibly could of her....a little Marilyn Manson-ish...non?)

It turns out that at 6:00 am, the news was boring, so he flipped channels until he saw something more interesting.

OK....I can live with that...

Just when I start to regain my composure...he says

"What?  Does Katy Perry do duets with everybody now?  She did one with Snoop and then that big guy too."  (yeah you read correctly...SNOOP...its so wrong to hear your father refer to Snoop Doggy Dog as Snoop....like they're homies or something....and wtf...is he doing keeping track of Katy Perry's duet partners?)

At least he said that Lady Gaga wasn't very good, so I know that he's still sane. 

Canada ~ Your Questions Answered

Its Canada Day....Woo hoo!

Thats right, its the moment you've all been waiting for....I'm going to go straight to Google and help you guys out with the most searched for questions about Canadians.  And since I am a Canadian...who better to ask? 

So here we go:

Top 5: What do Canadians.....?

The Number one question on everyone's mind...(that is everyone, except us Canadians.)

What do Canadians eat?  Wow...you guys really wanted to know that?!  Well aside from our usual diet of fried beaver, seal blubber, and beer....we eat...well just like you.  Truthfully it depends, since we have a rather diverse population...I'm sure that if you came up with some bizarre diet someone in Canada would eat it....so there you go.  Yes, thats true...I'm sure that if you thought up goats blood and cow intestines, you'd find some group that we let into the country under the premise of being refugees...but I won't get started about that...see I'm sticking to the question at hand...look at me go.  And I like to eat Big Turks (no, not large Turkish people...that would be rude...and probably disgusting.)....apparently Americans don't get these tasty treats down there....well let me tell you, they're delicious...oh and poutine is pretty good too (fries with cheese and gravy.)

What do Canadians wear?  Really!?...what is it...12 year olds questioning the Google gods?  Ok...well once our igloos melt, we don't often wear our parkas (unless we're homeless.)  Yes, we wear winter coats...in the winter...and shorts in the summer, except for my husband, who never wears shorts and always wears atleast one long sleeve shirt, but he's cold blooded...(I'm sure) so yeah..he doesn't count.  Other than that, I'm not sure what you were looking for...."gawd, we'd never were synthetics, spandex, or animal prints"...yeah right...

What do Canadians think of their healthcare?  I think its great...Well I hate waiting for a month and a half to see my doctor...but thats my choice.  I could pick from the others....but I'd rather wait.(See...this is me being polite...I could ramble on about all sorts of professional indiscretions...but where would that get me?  waiting for 3 months probably.)  On the flip side though its free...and yes...I can stay in the hospital for a week...and walk out without a bill.

What do Canadians call Canadian Bacon?  It depends...We call bacon...bacon...and I think that what you refer to as Canadian Bacon, we call back bacon...or ham.  How do I know this....A) I'm a genius  and B)  I worked at Smitty's (a breakfast chain)  for several years.   Yeah...you say "Canadian bacon"...we say...."You must be an American....Can I refill your coffee?"

What do Canadians speak?  Gee thats a tough one.  At first, I thought I spoke Canadianese...but it turns out that its English......and technically French too...we are bilingual (and so am I...although I use the word bilingual loosely...very loosely.)  Unless you go to Hongcouver...where I think that more people speak Chinese.  Or out east...where the Easterners roam...and half the time I can't understand them either.....and if you are one of those easterners: Now luh, da arse is gone right out of er.  What you don't understand?!?!?...me either.  But you can look up newfie talk here if you would like to know....but its something or other about the economy.

HAPPY CANADA DAY!

*And just in case you are wondering, I don't eat seal and I don't kill helpless baby seals....you'll have to talk to the newfies aboot that crap.  Oh...and I never say aboot...only newfies do...and me...when I make fun of newfies.