What a CATastrophe!

I'm not sure why I end up with so many cat posts.  I'm more of a dog person myself....or a salamander person...but I'll save that for another post.

I try to have coffee with Arabella Apple Juice on a regular basis.  Due to this nasty cold/flu/cholera that I'm experiencing, it's been a while. 

A month ago or so she asked me to keep an eye out for anyone who may like an adult cat.  They had two cats and thought that they should ship the one off, because truthfully, it's really in it's own little world...and well there are other reasons, but if I listed them, you'd know who I was talking about...(that's right all you gossippy girls of town!)

So, I kept on the look out for anyone who might want a cat.  Although truthfully, I didn't look that hard, because I thought it was maybe just a phase and that Arabella might want to keep the cat after all.

A few weeks later, I returned for coffee.

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"Did you find someone to take the cat?"  I ask casually while thing 1 and thing 2 play about 6 ft from us.

"Shhhh...yes."

"Shhh...what?  why are we shhh-ing?" 

"He's gone....and the kids don't know." Arabella whispers

"What do you mean, the kids don't know?  How do they not notice a cat that's been here since before they were born has gone missing?"

"Yeah, I told you...the cat just does what he wants, he's never around anyways.  He'll be way happier with this other person.  They really wanted an older cat." 

"So...what's your plan?"  I logically inquire.

"Yeah...I don't think they'll notice.  But I've got a plan for this family supper on the weekend.  If someone asks about a cat....I'm going to say....CATaracts...yeah, I think she got them removed....you know, or something along those lines.  So I have to think up different CAT words, just in case someone mentions the cat."

"Or...you could tell the kids?"

"Let's think up CAT words..."

And so we did.
That is why Arabella is great.  Because how many people would devote 45 minutes to thinking up CAT words instead of saying "hey, we gave that annoying cat away."

So...let's hear 'em....CAT words?

Never Say No To A Panda

I've kindly stolen this post from Joey over at Black Book Project .  (With permission of course...what kind of person do you think I am?!)
Yes, I'm still a little sick...but mostly this post is awesome....

NEVER SAY NO TO A PANDA

I’ve hated panda bears ever since I read this article. There are teams of scientists, because zoo keepers generally have degrees in biology or veterinary medicine, some of them are even doctors, trying to get pandas to eat and fuck. Seriously. Do you know what happens when I put in a request to have a team of scientists work around the clock to ensure all I need to do is eat fattier foods and make the sweet love to all the sexiest females of my species?

Well, let me tell you Harvard, your laughter is hurtful and inappropriate.

Pandas do nothing all day long.

But imagine if they didn’t. Imagine if they had jobs. Say with, I don’t know, cheese companies? That would be awesome….


or see it here.


______________________

Thanks Joey!

Maybe It's Tuberculosis?

Ugh....I'm sick.

Now this happens to pretty much everyone in the course of a year, but truthfully I usually take Cold Fx at the first sign of any cold and banish it to the depths of hell before it even begins. 

I tried that this time, but it didn't work.

Instead, I ended up with this nasty cough, a sore throat, chills and a fever and an achy body. Yes, these are the common symptoms for the seasonal flu, however, I wouldn't be very diligent if i just left it at that, would I?

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So first I thought, I probably have Tuberculosis....bizarre...but true.  A doctor once told me he thought I could have tuberculosis when I was pregnant with baby #1.  Before that point in time, I thought it was basically a non-existent disease, since the only place I had ever even heard about it was on Road to Avonlea.   I didn't have it, however, from that moment on, my mind always goes back to tuberculosis whenever I don't feel well.

Once my kind husband talked me out of having tuberculosis....next up was Meningitis.  However, my neck was only kind of sore...and my fever came down with Tylenol.  And my husband reminded me that a) I've already had it and b) I had the vaccine for it too.

Then my bones were achy...super achy. Logically, I figured that I had probably contracted Dengue Fever...but I haven't been to the tropics as of late, so I even ruled that one out myself.

So, then naturally I figured, it was probably Strep Throat.  You know...because I talked to Olivetta Oppenbeam at the park and her kid had it a week ago.  Process of Elimination....Strep throat.

Only you aren't supposed to have a nasty cough with it.

Turns out it was the flu.  Not the pukey flu...that's technically not a true "flu" ... if you don't believe me I'll give you the number to the health nurse around these here parts and you can get the same lecture they give me every year.

And for those of you wondering why the hell didn't I just go to the doctor.  Well, that isn't quite how it works here.  I could go to the Emergency Room...which I hate doing...unless it's an actual emergency...then I'd have to wait in there for a few hours before the doctor would see me.  Then with my luck I'd end up with one of the doctors that is a super genius (because truthfully, I only like 2 of them...out of the 5..and I never end up with those 2).  I'd wait all that time for him to tell me that ...'Yes, you are sick.  It could be a cold, it could be tuberculosis, it could be pneumonia (ooo...I forgot about that one), or it could be the flu.  You should go home and get plenty of rest and fluids, and come back if it gets worse or continues to bother you.'  (because of course, I'm here because it's NOT bothering me!)

Besides, I'm sure my husband finds it much more exciting to hear about what bizarre illnesses I've contracted.

So, what bizarre disease do you end up getting?   and don't act like you are one of those level headed people...they never read my blog.

What's Your Favorite Color?

I went in to the hardware store to get paint yesterday.

It had a sign that said 'What's your favorite color?"

and then it proceeded to list all the colors and what it meant about you if you liked them.

Orange - You are outgoing, personable, and fun to be around

Red - You are probably physically fit, sexy, and love to please others

Anyways, you get the idea.

I thought, really?!  I highly doubt that.  Why do they always write crap like that.

Probably to make people feel better about themselves. 

Orange - You are weird.  Plain ol' weird.  You march to your own drum, mainly because other people don't like how you play your drum. (but if you like it, who cares?!)

Red - You are an angry person. That is what red means anger... or love.  Well you can be both...in fact you probably are.  And according to our nation health statistics, it is probably quite improbable for you to be physically fit...so if you are...you're the odd one out.

Blue - You veer towards depression, but since that is also rather prevalent in today's society, you probably veer towards there no more than someone who likes pink.  You like rainy days, but only if you have an umbrella-ella-ella.  You also like peanut butter...unless of course you are allergic to it.
Purple - you support gay rights...or you're the lady who works with Just Plain Tired and live under a rock and had no idea what purple meant.  Also, you wear too much perfume.

Green - You're earthy.  You probably like camping and bugs.  You fashion clothes out of leaves in your spare time.  You once dreamed of being an entomologist..or a movie star.

Black - You are in a state of either permanently wanting to be viewed as skinny or Gothic.  You probably write with a pen and hate erasers.

White - You love popcorn.  Some people think you are a good dancer, but you aren't (I can't say this for a fact, until I've seen you dance.) 

Yellow - Does anyone ever even pick yellow?!  It makes babies cry more...yellow rooms.  I read that once and I chose to believe it.  So if you like yellow, I'm not sure what that says about you, you make babies cry?! 

Yeah, I'm sure that is probably just as accurate as the other lists you see around.

So...do tell, what is your favorite color?!

Don't Look Now!

A road trip with Butter Ripple Liquorlips is truly like no other.

She always says the most ridiculous things.

Enjoying our rather scenic drive to the city and listening to each others music...finally after about an hour and a half of her tunes, I get to play one.  Butter Ripple says

"Do you know what this song needs...?'

"No, I don't" I reply

"It needs finger cymbals" says Butter Ripple

"What?!  Did you just say finger cymbals...Who even owns finger cymbals?!...that's ridiculous!"

"Well, I would own finger cymbals...if you bought them for me for my birthday."

"Yeah...I'll get all over that."

So it wasn't exactly out of the ordinary when she said

"Don't look now, but we are being followed by a pack of cats."

I quickly glance in the rear view mirror....no cats.  Then I do a full shoulder check...no cats.

'What?!  I don't see any freaking cats."

"Really?!  You can't see them, they're practically stalking us!"

I look again...but this is all I see

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"All I see is a bunch of power lines!"

"Exactly!!!  Don't you think they look like cats kinda?"

Well, I suppose that they kind of do....

Divine Affirmation

In your everyday life, sometimes, just sometimes there are signs from somewhere that let you know that you are on the right path in life.  Some people say that is what Deja vu is.  Anyways, no tales of deja vu here...just plain ol' slap you in the face divine affirmation.

As some of you know, since about 1987 I've overused the word Awesome.  It's true...perhaps also somewhat embarrassing, but true nonetheless.  If you need proof, here it is, I'm awesome.

On Saturday night I went out in the city with Butter Ripple Liquorlips, Stella Shutthefuckup, Viola En Vogue, and several other as of yet unnamed awesome people.  Now the four of us only get together about once every 3 years, so it makes the time extra special.  (When I say extra special I really mean extra amounts of alcohol, but don't tell anyone.)  However, I would like to say that I am the most responsible of the batch, (but then again saying that is like the quint who was born 32 seconds before the other four is the OLDEST!) 

We went out and did several ridiculously stupid things...which I'm opting not to mention, just in case there is some sort of legal ramifications for singing death threats in tune with the Karaoke song.  (That would be all about Stella.) Then Stella introduced me to her friend, when she introduced me, I said, "yeah, I'm the awesome one."  To which he replied..."more like double awesome."  (I know this seems to be extraneous information, but trust me...it's an integral part of the story)  (and by the way...it's pretty close to factual information, I've upgraded from awesome to double awesome...especially after a few drinks)

Needless to say the evening carried on... I can't even divulge the good stuff...because it's that bad.

The next morning I was having a little of drinkers remorse...you know the whole..."oh, right, yeah, I did say that"  and "wow, yep, I do remember claiming that guy was a member of a certain racist organization.  I didn't like him anyways."  So feeling a little down about the previous evenings theatrics, we all went for breakfast (I should add that I don't think anyone else was feeling down about it).   So we walked down the way to a place called Ricky's (excellent breakfast, btw)....that's when I knew I was on the right path and that the previous evenings activities were in fact meant to be.

TRIPLE AWESOME BENNIES

if that isn't divine affirmation...I don't know what is!

Urban Dictionary: From Spectacular to Scary

Urban Dicitonary

Onee in a while I have to venture on over to Urban dictionary, because I have no clue what something is...(this morning I had to go because I couldn't figure out that srsli was really seriously...where are vowels when you need them?)  Which got me to thinking that there are an awful lot of words over there some awesome....and the shocking majority rather disturbing.


The 5 words that I'm glad they've added:

1. Skankopotamus - a super slutty girl (and my favorite word of all time)

2.Mgock -English word meaning; rude but very true. To be slightly disrespectful, though not lying. (this will come in handy...I know it will)

3.Glomp - To hug with enthusiasm. To pretty much tackle someone in greeting.

4.Verbal Handcuffs - When someone won't stop talking (usually about a subject you have no interest in). The talker has verbally forced you to stand there there and listen, even though you have given many clues that you have checked out.


5. Dirttle - 1, a dirty turtle 2, a creepy, dirty man that you don't want coming up to talk to you at a bar (a dirty turtle?  I can't even speak to the levels of awesomeness on that one)


5 words I can do without...and come to think of it, wish I never knew...

1. srup - Canadian ghetto slang for "what's up." Derives from a portmanteau of "sup" and "syrup," as Canada is well known for being a major manufacturer of maple syrup.

(yeah, I'm Canadian...I've never heard of anyone saying this, least of all to be derived from the word syrup...maybe I'm not ghetto enough)
2. srrimage - shaving a dislexic harry crishna's balls so close to his scrot that he cnt sit down
( I am both confused and a little scared as to why this word was made up)

3. Dirtpipe milkshake - ew... double ew...go look it up...I can't even write it out here.

4. Scottish Napsack - A scottish Napsack is where, you place the male testicles on a persons eye sockets while they are sleeping, one testicle in each eye.
(who the hell comes up with this crap?!  and btw there are an awful lot of nasty Scottish things on Urban dicitonary...makes me never want to go to Scotland....creepy.)

5. I will never think of French Onion Soup the same way again.

Disturbing.

What is your favorite Urban Dictionary word?  least fave?

Yes, We Are Grown Women

 What happens when you put 8 ladies in a room with alcohol and a cut out of Robert Pattinson....?

Well, nothing good can come of this.(don't worry, there's photographic evidence to follow)

I belong to a small group of ladies, that from here on out will be referred to as "The Ladies."  The Ladies and I get together every month.  Each of us has a turn in hosting an evening throughout the year.  We do all sorts of things.  Go for dinner, drink, go to movies, drink, go on scavenger hunts, Amazing Races, and sometimes we drink.  (But truthfully, it's alot less drinking than I imply, because...well chances are at any given moment there are at least two ladies who are pregnant and/or nursing.) 

Last week it was my turn.  Being the hysterically funny person that I am...I bought a Robert Pattinson cardboard cut out.  Yes, it's true.  Just a little FYI, it was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life (except for when I was 8 and had to go to the doctor to get a sliver extracted from my hooha...note to self...don't slide down wood banisters.)  Anyways, the local video store (Jim's Video...that's right, there's no Blockbuster around these parts) has had a cardboard cutout of the Hollywood heartthrob for months.  I figure, being the awesome customer that I am, I'll take it off their hands for $29.99.  I stroll in to the store prepared to do my best 'I'm not sure who this guy is and I'm not some crazed woman who is going to dance nude with a cut out of a sparkly vampire' act.  When they inform me that these cut outs are a hot seller and that they keep having to order more in.  Seriously, I was as shocked as you are now.

I had been planning the purchase for weeks.  It's a small town and the rumour mill would be going crazy if someone saw me walk out of the store with the massive cut out of a sparkl-icious vampire (really since when do vampires sparkle?!).  Long story short...it folds up so that nobody knows that you are secretly carrying a vampire with you. 



And no, Twilight, was not my premise for the evening.  It was The Price Is Right...and he was a prize...well, just in case some one's husband was gone, then they didn't have to enjoy the wine alone.



Well the poor cardboard cut out didn't last the evening. 



After we all posed with him, we decided he needed to go to the bar (everyone knows that a silent and good looking man is priceless) .  Some jealous bitches tore our man up.  And by jealous bitches, I mean two drunk guys.





well, if this is the dumbest thing I do all year, I'm good.

p.s.  I'm in the purple...but my eyes looked crazed...so black out bar you get.

And for those ladies who are wondering where the hell your picture is...they didn't all turn out...and some of you weren't as enthusiastic as others. :(

Those Fantastic E-mail Forwards

I hate those e-mail forwards.  You know, the ones with the 18 bazillion rules at the bottom (OK, well truthfully its usually closer to 4 than 18 bazillion).  You must forward this to 12 friends. You must do this within 12 hours. You must do everything this says.  If you don't then your crush will be flattened by a piano while walking to tell you that he/she is madly in love with you, then you will never find true love and live your life with 15 cats and die alone. 

Yeah, that pretty much sums up those e-mails.
I am an e-mail forward hater...(I do like that chalk guy's drawings though)..in fact, I've been known to send e-mails back to the sender saying..."..this simply isn't true...you better tell everyone that they won't be receiving those free computers/cheques from Microsoft...."

The other day Henrietta Huffenpuff (yes, another new one...I've been waiting to use Huffenpuff in some one's name for a while!) sends me a bunch of e-mails.  It's not out of the ordinary...but this is what she sent.

followed by this:

There comes a point in your life when you realize:

Who matters,
Who never did,
Who won't anymore...
And who always will.
So, don't worry about people from your past,
There's a reason why they didn't make it to your future.
Give these flowers to everyone you don't want to lose in 2010,  Including me, if that's what is in your heart.
Try to collect 8 ; it's not easy!

I had no choice but to send this back:

In Henrietta's defense, she phoned to tell me that she did not forward me "the one about gang's using baby strollers to lure mothers in for the attack.  I know how you get about that crap...so I checked it out on snopes...it's not true by the way....but a little Fengshui, who couldn't use that!"  ..."I mean other than you"

Dare to be different.

And just a quick little note.  I will be posting Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday from now on.  That way, you guys will now when I should have new stuff up!

p.s.  I had to make the pictures of the e-mail's small, so that they'd fit in the post...sorry :(  I know they are ridiculously difficult to read.

Viola's Birthday

It's Viola En Vogue's b-day....

Instead of writing some big long rambling speech of the ridiculous things she's done, I'll post this.



They've either made Ringo extremely creepy or insanely bored, I can't tell.
I always found him a bit on the creepy side during that whole Shining Time Station thing, but maybe I was way off.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

A Change Will Do You Good

It's that time of year again...
Around now, I usually chop all of my hair off...well to just under my ears.  I do this once a year...because, well, truthfully, I don't know why, but I do.  (plus it's insane to get into my favorite hairdresser)

I don't think that I've had more than one haircut a year since high school.  At that point in time, I trusted my best friend to cut it for me...which usually worked out pretty well. Although, there was the one time that I also let her do the whole highlights thing and it ended up looking slightly leopard inspired.  It could have been worse....I also tried to dyed my brown hair fire engine red once....bad idea. 

I still don't get worked up about my hair.  It's there.  If it gets lopped off it'll grow.  If it looks like hell, I put it in a ponytail.  You get the picture.  Somewhere along the line, I read an article about hair length.  I'm not sure why I've taken this article to heart, but I have.  The article had a whole rules of hair length for your age.  Basically, it said that your hair should get shorter as you age: in your 20's have it whatever length, but then every decade it should get shorter so that by the time you're 60, you have a short little boyish cut, that's super low maintenance. 

So, as every year passes I'm getting closer to the big 3-0...I've decided that I must now grow my hair out.  Yep...no annual haircut for me (although, I'll probably have to get a trim, my MIL is a hairdresser...in another 6 months, my split ends will drive her mad....OK...probably not...but I'll still have to get a trim anyways.)  This is my last "kick at the cat" so to speak for the whole long voluptuous hair thing. (and no, I'm not actually kicking a cat...wtf do you take me for?! Although that poor kitty looks pissed off.)

In lieu of my annual haircut, I've decided to change up the blog a bit...

whaddayathink?

Kemo Treats: Review

Last week, Viola en Vogue...my ever helpful friend, told me to give this new group a little listen.

She guaranteed me that it would be laugh your ass off funny.  Their name is  Kemo Treats. (yeah, its a little bizarre I know.)

So, I decided to take a little look around the Internet to see what all they had out there...when I came across this review for them.
(Don't bother listening to all of it...or really even much of it...this guy is a really annoying douche bag...10 seconds will do you.)


So this guy hates on Kemo Treats, which in my mind is enough to like them.

Kemo Treats is made up of two guys, Smoovie and The Wiz and is "Edmonton's Premiere Gangsta Rappers."  Their words, not mine.  Anyways....they definitely rap...but I don't know about Gangsta rap, (although, they probably live in Crapilano, so that could classify as gangsta., I suppose) more like rap comedy.  Whatever, I like it.  It's funny.

I had to go over to their site to actually check out their music. (wtf...you guys need to put up some full songs somewhere!)  They definitely have to get a music video...at least for Ice Cream Man.  That's right, they have a whole rap song about the ice cream man....and it rocks.  To go with it, they also have a song about pinky swears and straight camping.

Yep...this is them (I wonder where he got them pants...he's on fire!..yeah...I know that was lame...)

Truthfully, the beats and such remind me of ICP's The Great Milenko album...only with funnier lyrics. (And no, don't bother asking why a small town white girl was listening to ICP....it was a phase...lets just leave it at that.) When I finally found video of  "Smoovie and The Wiz" .... well, then, you get the idea that these two are celiac's and allergic to the sun...and perhaps bonded when they were 12 over those dungeons and dragons trading cards....but I don't care, they're funny.

I'm off to go invent my own rap...I  only have two lines so far, but it'll save me loads of time at the bar....that way  I won't have to holler this shit from atop a chair anymore.

"Hear you had Chlamydia,
 I think he should get rid a ya...."

It's going to be classic, I can just tell.


p.s. - since they are so speedy they've let me know that they have a myspace page.
(seriously...myspace still exists!)...and you can check out full songs there...much better.

Telemarketing Troubles

As many of you know, I don't get out much.

Because of this, I often become slightly obsessive about completely nonsensical shit.  Take for example...a few years back when we moved into our new place, I insisted that a neighbour was somehow selling drugs from his rain barrel.  I just couldn't figure it out.  I watched for hours on end as numerous people came over looked into the rain barrel, stuck their arm in and then discreetly wiped it off and left. 

Being a complete chicken shit, I did nothing, but tell Viola en Vouge and Stella Shutthefuckup about it.  They decided to consume mass quantities of alcohol and check it out on my behalf, since I was home with a new baby.  So, after their drunken rain barrel raid....guess what....he had a damn fish in that thing.  A FISH...wtf.  Who puts a fish in their rain barrel?  Oh well, I got to the bottom of it anyways.  And needless to say, ....OK....never mind, I didn't learn my lesson.

Source

Recently I have become completely obsessed with telemarketers.  Yes, it's true.  The same company phones me everyday, Monday to Friday.  It's Bell mobility or something like that.  Truthfully, I'm not 100% sure, because the call never lasts that long.  A few weeks ago, I was in a pissy mood and answered this telemarketer, who was obviously not an English as a first language person. 

She insisted that her name was Susan.  Yep, she flat out insisted.  I insisted otherwise....

"Hello, my name izzz Suzan, I am calling from Bell mobeelity"

"Oh, Hi, Susan...if that is your name." I reply

"What you mean....'Iiiiif that izzz my name, I tell you my name izzz Suzan."

'Oh...what's your last name 'Susan'?"

"Iiiiit iz Smeeth, uh....Smyth"

"You mean  Smith, because you're saying your own name wrong.....That's the most generic name I've ever heard, I don't think that's your name."

CLICK
yep...she hung up on me!

Source

It's getting bad....I've started racing to the phone....just to get the damn telemarketing call.  You see, now I must prove to myself that they are using fake names.  But no, it's not enough just to know it, I must have one of them admit it. 

So far, I've gotten an awful lot of hang ups.  And I absolutely HATE being hung up on.

This morning, though, my quest has ended...with Sam.  Yep, This morning Sam called.  Sam Smith.

I told him that there was no way in hell his name was Sam Smith.  He reluctantly agreed.  But once he agreed, the damn guy was a chatterbox.  He said that he had to go with Smith because there was no way in hell that I could pronounce his real last name, Kanloodi...or Kamloopi....or Kavlooki...who am I kidding, I have no idea how to say it.  It almost made me want to buy the rip off of a phone that he had no desire to make me buy after I had blown his cover. 

So now that I've solved this mystery, I guess I'll have to find a new one to solve.