Wednesday, June 30, 2010
You can read all about her...if you really want to. ( I don't recommend it, but hey, what do I know?)
Anyways, apparently someone (probably her) is releasing a sex tape...so here is the little trailer for it....
BTW...it says that you should be 18, but there isn't anything raunchy on it FYI.
Is it wrong that all I can think is:
a) for Pete's sake....put on some lipchap....any ol' kind will do....seriously....
b) Who in interior design hell decorated that bedroom?!?....I don't know which is worse, the bedspread or the wall paper!
yeah....all the romance was lost on me, sorry...
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
So since Deet sucks...really its awful stuff...but it does keep the skeeters away...I decided I would look for a few alternative bug repellent recipes.
The first one that I found required dettol and baby oil (which reminds me of a shirt that I had made for my baby once....'Stop the slaughter...boycott baby oil.' Although some people thought it was true...so there you go...further proof that idiots walk amongst us.) I had absolutely no idea wtf dettol was...so I chucked that recipe rather quick to move onto something that perhaps I could use.
Monday, June 28, 2010
photo: Todd Korol, Reuters
Yes, and for those of you who are saying its old news, you're right, that happened in October last year. Apparently they were drunk, which makes it all make sense. Because no person in their right mind would scale the enclosure to hang with the tigers close up, unless they were drunk.
This year fortunately, I didn't have to hike my ass the 15km around the Canadian portion of the zoo...(which quite honestly, if you live in rural Alberta is a waste...think, deer, elk, goats, etc.) Several years ago, they used to have a small restaurant that served beer and coolers and such at the very end of the Canadian trail. The first time we went, my husband insisted on hiking the gazillion miles over there, so he could see a beaver in captivity....you know...since he had only ever seen beavers in the wild...ha ha....(his idea of a hilarious joke.) So we forged ahead and were rewarded with treats and booze at the end of the trip.
The next time, I was cranky, pregnant and in the midst of morning sickness, when he and my daughter insisted that we must go see a deer. Ha ha....quite seriously, if I wanted to see a deer, I could do so on any f*&%ing day of the week, they are that common. So it was two against one, knowing full well that he had simply talked the 2 year old into this excitement about a deer to get to the little cafe at the other end. Well, my sickly ass trekked all the way there....and guess what....they had closed the cafe! So this time, when my then 2 year old, now nearly 5 five year old started up about seeing a moose in captivity (also rather common around Alberta)....I had to be the grinch and tell her that there was no way that was going to happen. ....instead, I bribed her with the old.."You choose...go see the moose or go to Chuck E. Cheese"....in retrospect, perhaps I should've chose the moose....or...... brought extra hand sanitizer.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Mmmm....babies are so sweet, and small, and cuddly...it almost makes me want to have another one. However, this is Angela Apple Bottom's first baby, so I thought I'd give her a few pointers....(once again, I'm helpful like that.)
People always say, "Babies do 3 things, eat, sleep, and poop."..... I'm going to let you in on a little secret, they also cry.....and that will happen:
a) when you've just went to sleep
b) in the middle of the night
c) as soon as you are on the phone (by the way...it never stops...the phone ringing is like an imaginary switch that will cause every age of child to all of the sudden make a racket.)
Another common saying is "Sleeping like a baby"....just so you know, that means up every 2-4 hours crying, needing a new diaper, and fed...oh, then don't forget to burp him. I now use the saying "sleeping like a rock...."
But don't get me wrong, babies are wonderful little blessings....(don't worry, I'm not going to get all sappy on you....ok...maybe just a bit.)
It allowed me to catch up on absolutely every episode of Dawson's Creek in reruns. (It was on Monday to Friday at 5:00am....I actually started to loathe Saturdays and Sundays, because then what the hell was I going to watch. Seriously...Joey does not need Tom Cruise....she needs to go find Dawson, her true love.)
It also gives you a new appreciation for those snotty nosed kids. You know before you have a kid and you see someone out with their kids and they've got snotty noses...and you say to yourself "Frig...can't that woman see that she needs to wipe her child's nose....lazy ass!" Then one day, you'll be standing in the hardware store picking up paint to paint the next baby's room and you'll realize that your child is the one lookin' like a hobo.
There are another 1543 lessons to be learnt (probably a conservative estimate), but I'll let you learn a few for yourself.....like all the bells, whistles, and buttons involved in a car seat!
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
....I'm outta breath.
Monday, June 21, 2010
I really, really, really wanted one. My husband however, did not have the same fondness for monkeys that I did. After In fact, he informed me that we could never have a pet monkey.
I thought that I had a few good key arguments, you know, monkeys are super smart, they can be absolutely hilarious, and besides, Ross on 'Friends' had a monkey (which was truthfully my key argument.) But it really didn't matter, he said that it wasn't even up for discussion, monkeys throw poop and are filthy. It turns out that he was right.
So, in my endeavour to find an equally cool pet, I've decided I'd like a baby wombat.
See, isn't it just the cutest thing.
But this time, before I tell my husband, I've decided I'll do a little research on it myself.
then I decided perhaps I should look up what they look like when they aren't so small...
Turns out...they get rather large....and somewhat cranky.
So as far as my new pet goes, I guess its back to the drawing board....
P.S. Ross' monkey was named Marcel....I know you were wondering.
wow....makes it a little more obvious about how much of a nerd I was/am.
You know when your game froze up and you had to take the cartridge out and blow on it?(Shockingly, every kid managed to figure that out without chat rooms and facebook.... a mystery that will perhaps never be solved.) There was no saving your progress, you had to either get the codes to bypass to another level or find the warp zone or just pause it until after supper (or until the next day in college). There were cheats, but somebody had to figure them out and then you had to hope that they were your friend so they'd tell you.... that was until 'Nintendo Power' magazine came out.
Ahhhh....the good ol' days.
So here's a little tribute to the best video game ever.
Yes, it is pretty cool, but does it bother no one else that the player didn't even jump to the top of the flagpole (around the 0:50 mark) ? They just half-assed it and landed at the bottom....no extra points for him....how disappointing. :(
And no....I never did get a Nintendo, but a few years later my parents got me and my siblings a Sega....so I'm pretty confident that I can kick your ass in Sonic.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Thursday, June 17, 2010
This would be an example of a vanity plate that is bad...( unless your idea of cool is crossing the Red Sea on foot...ok...so that does sound kind of cool):
This one....also NOT cool....unless perhaps you're a garbage man....then I can see the irony.
Yep...they actually put a biblical verse on their car. And curiosity got the best of me and I figured out just what was in John Chapter 3, Verse 4. "Truly, truly, I say to you, unless one is born again he cannot see the kingdom of God." Although, I don't quite get why you'd want it, only other super-Christians would know what it meant, but perhaps that's the idea. Really....do that many people memorize biblical passages....on second thought, don't answer that.
Isn't that awesome?!
...here are some good ones:
Who didn't love The Goonies?.....
(WHAT??? You didn't love the Goonies....its a classic!)
Well...just goes to show you that the DMV/Registry Office is full of
a) geniuses - who thought that this would be hilarious.
b)idiots - who didn't catch just why someone in Virginia would want to put 'eat the' on their licence plate.
don't get it?....
here's a little refresher for you:
What's that....it means nothing to you? How can that be?!?!? Its classic 80's....I suggest you listen to it again.
There was a time when I wanted my number to be 867-5309 (ok...so that isn't true...not even a little bit.) .....then again after watching this video they aren't quite the heartthrobs that I imagined.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
ok....so now you have a visual. Looks pretty cool, doesn't it. Well, back in the day my good friend, Arabella Apple Juice had a Jeep. (Way nicer than that Jeep btw.) So we decide to go to the lake for the day and that we were going to stand up in the Jeep...you know....to be cool...(and don't give me that look....you did plenty'o'dumb things too...I'm sure.) Well let me tell you, 100kmh is not a good speed to stand up in any vehicle, let alone a Jeep.
a) its impossible to keep your eyes open. I had to quickly retreat to put my sunshades on.
b) at that speed its hard to stand up straight, you pretty much get blown backwards....I think I may have bruised my back on the roll bar.
c) I had several bugs hit me in the face.....needless to say, bugs at 100kmh have a little sting to 'em when they hit the skin. (You know that huge splat you hear on the windshield...yeah that was on my face.)
So, long story short....bad idea.
We had to slow right down....and who looks cool on a highway doing 20kmh....no one.
Monday, June 14, 2010
Sure, everyone knows about their beautiful beaches, the surfing, and the Uggs...(not everyone considers that a pro....but I do....yes go ahead and judge me by my poor choice in footwear...hey at least they aren't Crocs.) Also, for those of you who haven't visited my blog for a while and are unaware of my borderline unhealthy Silverchair fascination, they hail from down under as well. And don't forget, you can see Kangaroos and Koalas and a bunch of other animals that you will only see here in a zoo. Everyone knows all these great things about Australia, but here are some things you should consider:
1) They have spiders as big as your head....I heard that once and I choose to believe it.
2) Contrary to popular belief a Tasmanian Devil will not be outsmarted if you pretend to be a rabbit.
3) They 'dispose' reindeers...yep...Santa usually uses Reindeer...but not there...he uses kangaroos(hence the six white boomers song)...so what happened to the reindeer????? (yeah....just what I thought)
4) They always say....Bob's your Uncle....well really, If he's everyone's uncle, isn't that just a bit creepy.........?!?!?!?!
5) Whats with saying "Fair Dinkum" ???...I find it highly inappropriate to comment on the size of a gentleman's package. (Unless it means something else....in which case...I'm perplexed.)
6)You must wear earplugs or the didgeridoo will hypnotize you and you will think Vegemite tastes good.
7)You should avoid anywhere that there may be crocodiles.....Crocodile Dundee is too old to save you.
8)You can never have children if you live there.....Dingos eat them.
9) I am starting to question their sanity....a GROWN Australian man got himself some vanity plates that say "BIEBER".....you know as in Justin Bieber....the 16 year old singer/boy every 13 year old is swooning over....and apparently this 34 year old also thinks he's pretty cool.
So there you have it....a few Australian tidbits that you may not have thought about...
by the way....I googled fair dinkum....not as sketchy as I thought.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
I finally saw 'Alice in Wonderland' with basically the same general conclusion. The Mad Hatter is a bizarre character at best, but what was with all of the accents? (...yes, he had more than one) and the huge eyes? It looked like they superimposed Puss in Boots' eyes from Shrek.
Don't get me wrong....I mean, he was a good Jack Sparrow in 'The Pirates of the Carribean' and he was good in 'Blow' too. Its not that I don't enjoy the movies he's in, he just gives me the heebies. Especially if he's teamed up with Tim Burton, but I won't even get started on Tim Burton .....
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Here are my top summer pet peeves....and ones that happen all too often.
SOCKS WITH SANDALS
....Seriously...either go the sock route or go the sandal route. This is not cool. (and yes, my husband does this....no matter how often I tell him he looks like a fool, he just doesn't care). Really...think about it....its like wearing long johns under your swimsuit. The whole point of sandals is to let your feet breathe....so why stick them in a sock?
a) your socks will just get dirty
b) you look like an idiot (hey someone has to tell you!)
THE BANANA HAMMOCK
Yes, I know that supposedly these are all the rage in Europe. Well, here in Canada it tends to get chilly...even when its hot out, it can turn to be chilly within ten minutes and according to the law of shrinkage that you guys claim, these awesome suits will do nothing for showing off the goods. So stick to some board shorts....trust me...it will be to your advantage. That and did you ever notice that the guys wearing banana hammocks are never the ones that you want to?
(eww....and gold...I mean really...could he be any flashier?)
TUBE TOPSTake a toque, then cut the top off and shimmy it over your boobs....there you go...you have a tube top. See how ridiculous that sounds....guess what...it looks just as ridiculous. Plus...last I checked its not 1985....(yes, I know that some of you wish it was 1985...but sorry about your luck...Def Leppard will never top the charts again...although if you need a back up singer for "Pour some Sugar on Me," I'm your girl.)
BRA STRAPS WITH SPAGHETTI STRAPS
I thought that this was sort of common knowledge, but apparently not. Plus, when this happens it isn't some cute little black strap that is showing. Its always some trashy pilled up dinge-y whitish bra strap showing. Either
a)don't wear a bra....(...only if you have tiny boobs and you can pull this off....otherwise, this could start a whole new round of pet peeves.)
b)wear a shirt with wider straps to cover the not-so sexy bra
c) buy a cute bra strappy- bra for the special occasions when you are planning on wearing a spaghetti strap outfit.
Nothing yells Gutter Sl*t like a trashy old bra showing under your spaghetti straps....hey, I'm just saying.
I know that these tips sound like common sense, but I'm sure that I've just helped thousands of people back from the brink of hideous summer attire....that is if thousands of you read it.
Monday, June 7, 2010
Viola and Butter Ripple both have a deep love for leggings. I however do not and keep hoping that leggings are on their way out...but so far, no such luck. I mean I always thought the rule was, 'if you wore the item when it was first trendy (80's), you can't wear it during the next trend cycle (now).' Apparently Butter Ripple and Viola don't adhere to this rule. But then again, I don't think that Butter Ripple adheres to any fashion rules.
I didn't say much when she wore the headband with the giant green feather, and I zipped my lips when she went with the hobo hat/toque do...(in the summer), but this is where I had to draw the line.
Just when I thought I could detest Butter Ripple's fashion sense anymore, I spied her wearing these hot items.
Remember the Vengaboys.... think back to 1998 and that goofy 'We Like to Party' song....it was catchy....(obviously because I still remember it....that and it was really the same line repeated over and over again.)
Now they have teamed up with Perez Hilton (you know that celebrity blogger that everyone loves to hate....the one who dresses like a four year old on a sugar rush.) Well they came out with this little gem....and it is beyond bad.
Go ahead watch a little clip....but be warned....a 10 second clip is more than enough to catch the gist of 'er.
Yep...that's right a Rocket to Uranus. I think that I would rather stay on Earth awaiting its imminent implosion than hop on that rocket.
So there you have it....worst song....ever.
Anyways....after you're done scratching out your eyeballs, I hope you have a nice day.
p.s. Did anyone else notice that those women look a little manly....or is it just me....perhaps they really are the venga'boys'
Thursday, June 3, 2010
So what you do is go to the google home page and type 'why'
in this case, I typed "why can't'
Here's what people are wondering....and I'll see if I can't try to help (because I'm helpful like that....seriously...don't give me that look....I am.)
1. Why can't I own a Canadian?
Well.........You can own a Canadian. I happen to own two....what you need to do is fornicate with another Canadian....and bingo bango....viola....a baby Canadian. Congratulations....you are the new owner of a Canadian. That and technically if we keep going immigrant crazy letting every terrorist and fruitcake under the sun in, I'm thinking that a good way to make money would be to auction them off....but I can't see the Conservatives going for that.
2. Why can't dogs eat chocolate?
Good question. But contrary to popular belief, most of our chocolate nowadays, isn't really much chocolate. Infact, when Bing (yes, that is my dogs name....imaginative I know....Bingo with no "o") was a puppy he ate an entire box of Pot of Gold Chocolates, I was horrified and phoned the vet....they claimed that most of that kind of chocolate is actually wax (YUM! - by the way that is my sarcastic font.) So no harm done. - Just as a side note...Bing is an extraordinary dog and has been run over, eaten antifreeze, consumed rat poison and been tortured by various children. So yeah....don't feed your dog chocolate....just incase you aren't a cheap as me and don't carry Pot of Gold and you infact carry some 90% cocoa expensive stuff.
3. Why can't I get a boyfriend?
Really...people ask google this. Well there are various possibilities. Do you shower on a regular basis? Do you like Star Trek? Do you like Cool Ranch Doritos?
I haven't a clue....why?
4. Why can't I lose weight?
wow....perhaps this is related to the last question.
Seriously though.... I think this is a little personal. But if you are willing to be creative...you can lose weight. You can't rule out amputation though! I think that if you were to consult a doctor though, he wouldn't reccommend amputation as a viable option....but hey...what do doctors know?
5. Why can't we be friends?
Well this all depends on who you are.
For the most part the answer is sure...we can be friends....I only have a few rules.
1. You cannot lip off Silverchair....really ...Daniel Johns does not look like BoyGeorge....(and if you utter this again...I will be forced to take someone else as my wingman when they play a concert in this country again.)
2. You must like junk food....at least sometimes. You make me feel unhealthy when I eat chips and you eat celery sticks....lets compromise...I will eat a celery stick and then we can eat a bag of chips. Sounds good to me
3. You can be a good dancer...thats ok...but don't be bustin' out your good moves when we're dancing...because it makes me look even worse.
yeah....thats about it.
See...I'm sure that I have helped many people with this little blurb.
You're Welcome. :) I told you I was helpful like that.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
I'm always the last to know. When the local restaurateur left his family and decided to bat for the other team, I was the last to know. When the big oil spill happened, my father-in-law asked me about it and I had no clue. So it isn't surprising that when I checked out the top searched for things today on google, I had no idea what any of them were.(...ok...I knew one....the student loans was a little obvious.)
So here...we are going to do a little experiment and see just what it is that I don't know about....
GOOGLE TOP SEARCHES
1. Steven Hill....who????...great now I must google this...
fan-f'in-tastic...I figured out who he is and now I wish I didn't know. Let me sum it up for you....ALLEGED murderer and porn star. See what I mean..... I wish I didn't know.
2. van der sloot.....hmmm...might be exciting...sounds exotic....I will check it out and let you know....
seriously....yet another murderer....
this is getting depressing....yet I push on.
3. Stephany Flores Ramirez.....
ok...#2 apparently murdered #3..... good lord....does no one search for bunnies.
4. Bill Austin Kez Cancer ..... I don't like the sounds of this, but it can't be worse than the first 3.....right?
Apparently poor Bill passed away and was a radio host on KEZ....(wherever that is.)
5. Jordan Vandersloot - I'm not even searching it, because I'm pretty sure that is 2's first name....if I'm wrong, let me know.
(Actually don't let me know....unless he is raising baby kittens to donate to needy cat lovers and wears an eclectic garment the color of rainbows.)
6. Paramore photo leak - Well I know what Paramore is....a band....right? So I'm willing to bet its naked photos, otherwise why would everyone be all worked up about it....
yep....I swear I'm part psychic....Miss Cleo's here I come.(I doubt I could be worse than Miss Cleo...although a white chick in that get up can hardly be taken seriously....and now that I think about it, I don't take her seriously either.)
7. Debralee Lorenzana - I haven't a clue....surprise surprise.
woo hoo...finally something not related to death.... She was fired from Citibank for being too hot....I hear ya girl...happens to the best of us....or maybe it would if I ever had a job I could be fired from.(although once my dad fired me....long story...but it wasn't because I was too hot....he mumbled something about being lazy...but really, if he would have paid me more....money beats the lazy right out of me.)
Obviously Citibank is for uglies...I can hear people closing their accounts right now.
8. Q'orianka Kilcher - too tricky to spell to be a porn star....so lets see....hmmm
ha ha...she tied herself to the Whitehouse fence and subsequently got arrested....and you know why her name sounded familiar...she played Pocahontas in "The New World"...you know the one with Colin Farrell in it. (ok..so you probably don't know...because lets be honest...it was boring...a lot of music and trying to teach her to speak.)
9. Student loans.gov - actually the only self-explanatory one on there.
10. Natalee Holloway - this one ties in with #2, #3, and #5. :(
It's true, I am out of the loop....but I think I prefer it that way.
Does anybody look up fun things.....like trampolines, and rainbows, sunshine, crayons, and bunnies????
I do not get the attraction to these shirts. They start off eensy teensy....small enough to fit a cabbage patch doll and then stretch out to virtually fit anyone! (yet flatter no one.) I swear women over 60 flock to this table to stock up on these shirts(and some who are much younger). (I would tell them how horrible they are, but hey they're 60 or older....that would be rude, because my parents always taught me to respect my elders....even if they're dead wrong....perhaps I should take out the dead part....some of them could be dead wrong.)
They key argument from ladies is that it makes your bust look bigger (which is how I know a man must've invented these)....well that is true....but guess what it does for that muffin top, extra roll, and odd baggage that you're carrying about....it also makes that look bigger. I have seen very slim women try these on only to look ...not so slim....sort of like a soft needled and colored porcupine ....yeah not a good look. Either way, big or small, these shirts are not your friend....they suck any hotness you have right out.
No matter what I say, I know that slowly these little monstrosities are working their way into the senior citizens wardrobes everywhere.