I've Been Hornswabbled

That's right.....and for those of you who are unsure as to what precisely "hornswabbled" is, it's when you get tricked.

A few years back, somehow a package of Moon Sand made it's way into our home.  I thought that Moon Sand was going to be great, but 3 minutes after opening it, I realized that Moon Sand was indeed the work of the devil.

Laugh if you must, but I am not exaggerating.

I despise Moon Sand.  They claimed that it was the new play dough.  That it was going to replace play dough.  It crumbles, it gets everywhere, it is absolutely ridiculous.   I quickly banished Moon Sand from our home...never to think about it again.

Until....this past holiday season.

There was a new product called Moon Dough.  That's right.  It claimed that it was like play dough, only it wouldn't dry out.  "Never dries out, never dries out"  - yes I heard that chanting non-stop.  

So, I caved.  When Viola En Vogue said that she wanted to get the kidlets Moon Dough, I agreed.  I gave her the run down about not accidentally purchasing Moon Sand, since it's Persona non Grata around these parts.

It's official.  Sweden is out to destroy the world with Moon Dough (that's where it's made).  Moon Dough is not the distant cousin of the Devil's own Moon Sand.  Moon Dough was merely the Devil at work renaming Moon Sand so that more unsuspecting homes would allow this repulsive toy into their homes.  If Hitler had a favourite toy...it would be Moon Sand/Dough....that's how horrible this crap is.

That's right, they just renamed it.  (and I was stupid enough to fall for it....damn marketing)

On a more positive note.   If you invite my children to your child's birthday party.  I have four unopened packages of Moon Dough that are going to find a loving home.... (ok...most liking un-loving), but a home that is not mine, nonetheless.)

Last Minute Gift Ideas

Merry Christmas!  I know that it is a bit early.
Chances are that I'll be too busy to spend much time on here though, because I will be busy frantically getting ready for the holidays.

I'm usually on the ball....(really, I'm not kidding), but this year has escaped me.

Between getting sick, and being busy, and getting sick...again...and again, I haven't accomplished my usual tasks.  (Seriously, Elementary School is like a little cesspool of disease I tell you.)  I have yet to plan my feasts for the looming Festivities...and I'm not done shopping.

If you are like me and have left things to the last minute...here are a few never fail gifts that you can pick up anywhere....like say a gas station.

1) Air fresheners....everyone needs one in their vehicle.   Just don't pick the pine scented ones....because that's nasty.  I've always wondered who the hell wants their vehicle to smell like a forest, then I set foot in my husband's lilac scented truck and decided I'd quit judging people for their air freshener picks.  (Seriously lilac....Are you Driving Miss Daisy around?!)

2) Lotto Tickets - People love these.  But, Myself, I'm always a bit leery on buying them for other people.   If I'm not going to see them scratch them, then fine.  But what if they win $1 million.... on the ticket that I bought for them.  You could always sign your name on the back...but that wouldn't really be keeping with the Christmas Spirit thing would it?

3) Candy......Who doesn't like Candy?  But you have to buy quite a bit .... or it'll be noticeable that you're cheap.  ...Although, If you do a really good wrapping job people tend to get distracted.

(note to self....rewrap pretty much every gift under the tree. :(  )

4) A Magazine - OK, so you've ran out of time.  Pick up a magazine.  Wrap it.  (wrap it nice...see #3 again, if you've forgotten why.)  Tear out the subscription card...and actually pay and send it away (this, you might have to do after Christmas).  Then you give them the one mag... and tell them that you've got them a subscription for it.  (See...this is a good idea.)

5) Maps....OK....never mind.  Getting someone a gas station map is a bad idea.

Well, I've given you a few ideas...right?...and if they hate it, don't be afraid to use the whole..."it's the thought that counts" line.

I'll be back around in the New Year.

Merry Christmas Everyone!

Apparently it's China's Fault...?

It's that time of year...

No, Not Christmas time.  It's the time when everybody seems to get sick.  All those nasty little sicknesses seem to pop up in December.  

and why is that?  you ask.  

According to Skittles McSunshine, the Western World's illnesses are somehow linked to Asia trying to take over the world.  

Oh just wait....the theory gets better.

He blames all the sicknesses in the months of November to January on these:

source

How can a little Mandarin Orange spread illness you ask?

Well Skittles has a long elaborate theory starting off with the fact that the Chinese government gathers all of their sick people to sneeze into thousands of tiny green wrappers.  Then they take these wrappers and place the orange inside.   Somehow, through osmosis perhaps, they acquire the disease-y germs, so it doesn't matter if you throw out the wrappers or not.  

Does this sound insane to you?  Because Skittles isn't alone in this theory.  I've heard this theory from several people.  

I must say though, I haven't had any oranges this winter and I've still managed to get sick.....so maybe his theory is a little off....or maybe it applies to bananas too....

It's Time For An Intervention

I came to a sad realization yesterday. :(

I hadn't noticed before, but now that I've noticed, there is no turning back.

and I blame Scott.


That's right.  If it wasn't for that fateful day in September of 1982, I would not have this problem. :(


What problem you ask?
(well, in all truth, if you had checked out the Scott link, you would already know.)



I've been going overboard with freaking emoticons.  ;)
Yes, that's right, it looks like the keyboard threw up all over my posts, comments, and statuses....and what's worse...none of you said..."What the hell is with the overuse of emoticons? O_o"

I mean maybe it isn't that bad yet.  I never add noses to my emoticons and I don't use the :P one either.  I think that once you do that, you are a whole new level of ridiculousness...am I right?  D:

Kemo Treats: THE VIDEO

 I've been waiting patiently for this top secret video that Kemo Treats had been promising.  I couldn't make it to the unveiling (which I was actually invited to...that's right...special invite.)

so here it is:


Well I must say...
firstly I was a little disappointed that it wasn't a vid for Ice Cream Man....because that is my fave.  But I enjoyed it nonetheless.

I had a slight rebellious phase as a teenager where I listened to rap and I watched rap videos, so I think that makes me qualified to critique this. I listened to all the masters, ICP, Wu-Tang Clan.... (OK...so I didn't listen to WTC, but Ol' Dirty Bastard did a remix with Mariah Carey...I'm sure that counts.....right?)

Anyways, Kemo Treats' The Program has exactly what every good legit gangsta video has.

1) It has two foolishly/stylishly (depending on your view) dressed "gangstas"

2) It has the eye candy.  She's pretty.  But just so you know guys....real gangsta vid's feature even more scantily clad women.  ... next time, throw her in a bubble bath...

3) It has some fly wheels....I mean....it's a Toyota....it doesn't get much more real "gangsta" than that! (well, at least not in Edmonton)

4) It has a bit of auto tune....not enough.  You MUST have an auto tune interlude every 47 seconds.

5) It's got the GOWLD as they like to call it.  They're rocking their chains...shirtless of course, and well...one of 'em has a hairy chest....hey, 1977 called.

6) They throw swear words around.  It is common knowledge that you absolutely cannot have a legit gangsta vid without dropping MoFo.

7) It had the whole levels thing going on.  Watch any rap video and you'll know what I'm talking about. You've gotta be in the face of the camera...then back it up.  Drop down low....slide back.



and Kemo Treats....if this doesn't work out ...you gangstas can always call up P!nk.


*and seriously...you aren't counting ODB remix with Mariah as rap....ugh.

Motivation-less

Ugh...

I'm in the midst of writers block.  I use that term loosely...since I'm not really a writer.  I could say blogger's block, but then everyone would be wondering if I went crazy googling symptoms for something again.

I'm not sure if it's the fact that I still have the majority of my Christmas shopping left, the fact that I have my Christmas present to myself right next to me, and it keeps distracting me (it's a new computer...but I haven't turned it on yet).  And I know what you're thinking....No, I couldn't leave it in the box.  It was cold when the delivery guy brought it, so it needed to get it out in the warm air so that it didn't permanently hurt it. And besides it's pretty to look at.  I thought that maybe it would motivate me to write genius-ly funny things....but it hasn't turned out that way yet.  Or maybe my lack of motivation has nothing to do with the computer...and really it's this hour old coffee that I'm slowly drinking...even though it's cold and I'm too lazy to go upstairs to get a new one.

I thought that maybe today would be the day when I'd get a million ideas at once.  But nope...I did have one idea...but then I forgot what it was.  I really need to get a notepad next to my bed, for when I'm dreaming and a brilliant topic comes to me.  So....I haven't abandoned you....I'll be back. 


great now that I've ended with that line I feel like the Terminator...

or my band teacher from school...he always wore this shirt:(well not this one exactly...but pretty close)

you can buy your own here.

and just so you know...I drank the entire cup of cold coffee while writing this....that's how unmotivated I am today.

(Laser) Beam Me Up

My kidlet recently got her school photos taken.

I finally got the pictures back.  I thought they looked pretty damn good.

That is, until Viola said..."What the hell, you horrid mom you. How could you not let her get the lasers?"

"There weren't any lasers to pick from"

It's true, there weren't any lasers to pick from.  Instead there were some other equally awful ones...which I'm sure will be remembered as awesome in 20 years.

I can still remember being 8 or 9 and begging for the laser beam background.  My mom always said no, she said that for the extra $4 it was ridiculous.  So,  I never got them.... I always did the whole 'well, when I have my own kids, I'll let them get the laser beams, and I'll let them eat all their Halloween candy in one day too' spiel.

Now I have my own kids.  and I've realized that I am my mother. 

She asked for this background....

 source

and I just couldn't do it.  The thought of those skyscrapers leaning in over her head made my skin crawl.  I thought I was being generous, letting her get one that was supposedly a meadow, because I really wanted the grey or blue background.

But now I think maybe, just maybe, I should have let her get the skyscrapers.  I mean...the skyscrapers of today are probably the laser beams of yesteryear.

you can check out this sexy beast here.

All this guy is missing is a Plenty of Fish profile.

and if you live in Maryland...you're in luck.  They still have the laser beam background available!

http://schoolpix.com/fall.html

so...did you get the laser beams? 

Does A Bucket List Have Rules?

Does a bucket list have rules....

I suppose I should start off with informing you as to what a bucket list is.  (Usually I don't but it seems as though I have several followers who aren't from around these here parts and are sometimes confuseled.)
So a bucket list is basically a 'things to do before you die' list.  Theoretically you can put on whatever you want...or so I thought.  But people always seem to put on things like bungee jumping and climbing Mount Kilimanjaro....neither of which is on my list.

source

The other evening I was out with Viola En Vogue and Magnolia A La Mode and a few other friends.  It was a good evening out.   I probably had too much fun, because I recall saying that Fabio's skinny grey haired doppelganger was hot...but I've been in the midst of a drought, so what is a girl to do?!

When all of the sudden the conversation turned to men and someone making out with an Australian.  Upon which point in time, it was discovered that I was the sole person at the table to NOT have made out with an Australian.

"That's fine, it's on my bucket list."  I replied.

"What's on your bucket list?"  inquired either Viola or Magnolia (let's face it...the details are blurry)

"Making out with an Australian."

"You can't have that kind of stuff on a bucket list!" (Pretty sure that one came from Magnolia)

"Why not, I've thoroughly thought this through."

"Oh?" 

"Well you see, my freebie...just happens to be Australian, so if that day ever comes, it'll be like a two birds with one stone sort of incident." I reply.

"Really, well does your husband know about this?"  (I only put this in here, because I know all of you secret reading ladies from about town will turn this into gossip if I don't.)

"Yes...he does. He has a freebie too.....but good luck with that."

So...who knew.  Are there really rules for the bucket list? 

 What is on my list?  You know, I'm not sure...I never gave it much thought until this post...so I'll have to work on it.

So far:
1. Make out with an Australian.... (unless of course that's not allowed.)
2. Go to an Oprah show...but I'd settle for Ellen, since Oprah's nearly over...and I missed the 'favorite things' episode, so I'd probably end up with an interview with a serial killer one.  Never mind, I'm taking this one off my list myself.

What's on your list?  Are there rules?

Sometimes You Have To Get Creative

Thankfully it's warmed up here.

In fact, it's damn near tropical at -5.  It sure beats the -40 (with the windchill) that we've had the past few days.

I try not to complain about the weather, because the truth is, it's not surprising.  I've lived in Alberta my whole life.  Chances are pretty good that at some point between the months of November and March that there will be a ton of snow.  Chances are the thermometer will dip below -30.  Chances are there isn't a damn thing I can do about it, so I try not to dwell on the fact that it's cold.

But the cold brings about problems that drive me crazy.

The kids are cold.  I must dress them in all the gear from toques to ski pants to snow boots and beyond.  easy fix.

The Yukon won't start. I must plug it in....problem solved.

The one thing that drives me crazy....is the satellite dish. 

Since the guy who installed it was a lazy SOB (that Starchoice sent), it sits in the one spot on our roof that always (and I mean ALWAYS) gets a snow drift. 

When my husband is home, I usually complain enough that he manages to concoct a scheme involving ladders and broom handles taped together. However, he currently is away....and



I'm just too damn short.

I tried that, but we don't have a very tall ladder, so currently I'm hooped.

I figured that it'd melt in a few days, but now we are on day 5 with cooped up kidlets and no TV.  Thankfully we have an extensive DVD collection.

So I thought, I could do this....I can fix that blasted satellite dish....I mean , why can't I?

After much consideration....I decided that this was my best option:

(yes...that exact model)

So, if you happened to drive by last night and saw me precariously perched on a chair from our patio set spraying hot water 40 feet in the air ...that's what I was up to.



and just for the record....no ....it didn't work.

(and I ended up with a soaking wet arm...and now there is probably and inch of ice on the damn thing)

But as I said....it's warming up here...only another 3 days and I'm betting the Satellite will come around.

What has been your best unconventional fix it plan?

A Car By Any Other Name

I'm a visual person.

OK, I'm lying.  When I did that learning test in grade 5 (or somewhere around there) I was a tactile learner.  Although...it doesn't really matter.  I'm not really talking about learning.

Anyways, what I am trying to say is that when people tell me stuff, I visualize it.  That's right I always end up getting a mental image....so please spare me the details when it's nasty stuff. (I will forever have a mental image the time my friend told me the story of KFC gravy, a dog, and....oh...it's so bad I can't even continue for fear that I will scar someone else for life.)

So in order for me to get my imagery right, I need you folks to accurately describe things.

If you drive one of the following vehicles you may describe it as a "CAR":
a Camry
a Civic
a Crown Royal...wait a second that's a type of whiskey....a Crown Victoria
or any other non descript car
....unless...

you have a
Mini (think cooper not van)
Camaro
Lamborghini
Mustang
Corvette
anything fancy.
(These cars must be referred to by actual name.)

If you have any sort of van....I don't care. Just call it a "VAN"  that will do...you can throw mini in front of it if you so please.

If you have any sort of truck...just call it a "TRUCK".  I don't care if it's a 1/2 ton, a 3/4 ton, or has an awesome winch on it and a lift package.  I don't care if you got some fancy skull hitch mabob....that's fine but just tell me it's a Truck.  That will do.

Here is where it gets tricky...if you have an SUV....you can say just SUV, but you can also throw out what it is.  For example .... go ahead, say Escalade, Yukon, Tahoe....I get it.

If you have a crossover....you MUST use the correct name for it.  You should NEVER refer to it as a car. 
It's not a car, for that matter it definitely isn't a truck either...so don't be calling it a truck.

source

Let's say for example, you have a BUICK RENDEZVOUS.... (do you feel like I'm yelling at you? I'm not...I should just quit using CAPS...sorry.)
Never (I really mean NEVER...but I don't want to yell) refer to it as "My Buick"....Even if I know you, all of the sudden you'll turn into a denture wearing, depends pads purchasing  person in my mind's eye.
Just call it a Rendezvous...or a cross over, but come on..... call it a Rendezvous... it's fun to say.

"Let's hop in the Rendezvous and we'll go rendezvous with the other rendezvous-ers at the rendezvous destination."

OK...that may have been a bit much.

What do you call your vehicle????

Word of the Day

Last week I was chit chatting with Wendy-Loo Wallaby Lover when she asked "Do you know what a P.A.N.N.I.S.is?"

"Uh...no...."  I replied.

"Really, you don't know?"

"Nope, do you mean PANINIS?"  I said, because truthfully we were out for lunch and both eating panini's and really only one letter off of the word she had spelled out.

"No, I don't mean Panini, I mean Pannis."

"Wendy, are you trying to be coy and talk about penis'...because we're both grown ups and can discuss that stuff now."

"No, I don't mean penis....I mean Pannis!"

"Oh, well in that case. no.  I still don't know what that is."

"You should write about it...you know in your next blog thingy." Wendy-Loo said.

And that is how today's blog post was born....plus I think Wendy really wanted her own name on here.  (To which she said she didn't want Wendy Wallaby ...so it's now Wendy-Loo Wallaby Lover....and I gave her 3 minutes to change it, but she suggested the girl who told you to write about Pannis....which has absolutely NO PANACHE at all!)

So....onto the word at hand...
PANNIS.

I decided that I best google it.....and I should have had Wendy Loo clarify a bit, because whoa....(Joey Lawrence throwback there) ...there are a lot of meanings for the word pannis.

a)An important tribe in Afghanistan lasting to the time of Sikandar Lodi.
b)Pannis is the flab of skin that hangs BELOW the belly button and above the va-j-j. (thanks Urban dictionary!)
c)These are the sad eyed water goddesses that take the dead to the bottom of the water to dwell with them in their crystal castles (WTF?)
d)a severe condition almost only seen in German Shepherds. The disease manifests itself with granulation (fleshy growth) tissue developing on the cornea
e) penis...only spelled incorrectly


Wendy-Loo already ruled out e) that leaves me with 4 to pick from. Since she is a medical professional of sorts, I'm going to take a shot in the dark and guess that she meant b)

Eww...Thanks Wendy-Loo.

Now, this is new information to me....I didn't know that zone had a medical name or that a tummy tuck was Pannis Removal Surgery.  I think I'll still be referring to it as a tummy tuck.  Truthfully I always thought that zone had a different name...one that, well...isn't very nice to say.  So I won't.

OK...who am I kidding.  I thought it was called a gunt....because it was halfway between a gut and a .....well you can figure that out on your own.

Did you know what a pannis was??!? or am I the only one left in the dark....


and by the way Wendy-Loo  a Wallaby and Kangaroo look kind of similar to me....here's my proof.

wallaby source                                                                            kangaroo source

But...It's For A Good Cause

Earlier this month I filled all of my loyal readers in on Movember.

I urged all you men to grow beards and even gave you a few examples of the super stylish facial hair that men all over the world are growing. (I'm not sure about the Snidely though.)

OK....well I didn't exactly urge you to, but I suggested it, and that counts too.

But it leaves most of us women left wondering what we could do for the cause...because only a few of us are talented enough to grow facial hair and it usually happens to be when we are about 74 and older. (note to self, get laser hair removal before 70)

Well some genius (and most likely plum crazy) women came up with this:



So go find yourself a man with a "patchy little lip sweater" and have sex with him...

or you could just donate money.

Thank you...Thank you!

I received an award last week and had meant to post about it yesterday, but due to my raging fury about pink eye and the over usage of FML, I completely forgot!

This award comes from The Blogger Fomerly Known As.... The Enigmatic Masked Blogger.

or as I affectionately refer to her as TBFKA

(mainly because I'm lazy)

So basically now I must sing TBFKA's praises and pass this little gem along.
lalala....she's fabulous....lalala...
(just imagine I'm singing...trust me, it's better than if you actually had to hear me!)

You should go check her out and see for yourself...

Now, I'll pass this to 4 bloggers who's blogs make me happy.

Yeah. Good Times.

Chronicles of Amber

Kick Her Right In The Habit

(no it's not about abusing nuns!)

and my latest  fave

Cute in Boots

go ahead...check them out!

And in completely unrelated news. 

I feel as though I've stepped into a time warp.  I recently was given a serger (think fancy 4 thread sewing machine.)  I had absolutely no idea how to thread it, since it didn't come with a manual. 

I scoured the Internet and discovered that I could order the PDF instructions for said serger for the low price of $39.99!?

What?!  Well being that I'm cheap, I thought I'd look on Youtube.  Someone somewhere has to have made a video on this....right?!

Well I was right.  It just so happens that in 1984 someone did.

And since I had to watch the thing on repeat for a while, I feel as though I should go out and get my self a perm, a pantsuit...and a poster of Corey Hart.

That's right...I would have been one hot 80's housewife.



A Few Alternatives For FML 2

That's right....

it's that time again.  You know, where you have one of those days and truthfully it's a little like an FML
(F%#@ my life)  but you just despise the term.
And if it sounds like a familiar blog topic...it is you can read FML Alernatives 1 here.

My main complaint is how melodramatic it is...and vague to boot.
9 times out of 10 (who am I kidding...more like 10 out of 10- on my fb anyways) people use it to turn some trivial matter into a big deal...but how am I to know??? Because FML is so vague, I don't even know why you're using it!

I mean, I have no idea if you are having a shitty day because your cat died, in which case, I offer my condolences or if Wal-Mart is temporarily out of Doritos so you failed to pick up your favorite flavor.

You see...FML is just too damn vague. 
I need people to be more specific....and quite honestly, a little less drama would be ok too. (Although, quick sidenote...if you're on my facebook and you the avid FML user...don't quit altogether...it provides me hours of enjoyment especially the FML: I'd like to thank my mother and sister for being complete bitches...I mean really that provided me with a good laugh for the better part of a month...)


and here are a few for the rest of you fml over users.

INMA - I need more attention....Obviously you do...that is why you use fml like it's going out of style (which hopefully it is.)

LAM - Look at me - really just a variation on the above.

and I still stand by the IDS.


Here are few more FML alternatives for the time being...which probably can cover most parental issues and definitely sum up my last few weeks.


PQP - Please quit puking....this one needs no explanation.

INMS - I need more sleep. Yep...I think this one works for pretty much everyone. Usually when you're pissy with the world, you could use a good nap.

NBL - Nothing but Laundry.  What are you doing today? Considering I had a kid up puking and coughing and potty training.  I'll be doing NBL. (That was my Saturday. ....seriously)

MFPECGTH - Mother F%$#ing pink eye can go to hell. Once again...self explanatory...and if I figure out which mom keeps sending their little angel to school with pink eye, I'm going to come unglued.

So there you go...Just in case you are feeling a little adventurous from your regular FML usage...or even if you've never used the acronym...much like myself.

What is your new acronym...and what does it mean?

Lest We Forget

This is most likely the only serious post that you'll run across here during the year.

But quite honestly, it would be inconsiderate of me to post some jokes about poorly dressed women or children passing gas. (see I termed that rather grown-up like)

Today is November 11th, the day that we take time to honour and remember those who have fought in war for our freedom. So often we tend to forget about today. We overlook what time it is and never get in our 2 minutes of silence.

This year take time to remember.

source

In Flanders Fields

By: Lieutenant Colonel John McCrae, MD (1872-1918)

Canadian Army

In Flanders Fields the poppies blow

Between the crosses row on row,

That mark our place; and in the sky

The larks, still bravely singing, fly

Scarce heard amid the guns below.

We are the Dead. Short days ago

We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,

Loved and were loved, and now we lie

In Flanders fields.

Take up our quarrel with the foe:

To you from failing hands we throw

The torch; be yours to hold it high.

If ye break faith with us who die

We shall not sleep, though poppies grow

In Flanders fields.

Our Own Jersey Shore...Ugh.

It has come to my attention that Canada is going to have their own "Jersey Shore" spin off.

Yep...us copycats up here needed to have our own version...

It's being called "The Lake Shore" (yeah, us Canadians are also incredibly creative when it comes to naming things)

and quite frankly...it's embarrassing.



You know when you ASSUME they say that you make an 'ASS out of U and ME'....well in this case, that isn't true...when you assume...you only are making an ass of them.

From this little snippet the people of the world are going to assume all sorts of crap about Canadians...
for example:
They'll probably assume
a) people in Canada have bad eyebrows.... (seriously...what is going on with the brows here people?!)
b) We are a country full of racist multiculturalists.... "I hate everybody equally...especially Jewish people...."  nice...really nice.  Where did they find these people? 
c) Everyone is a bunch of cocky sluts....yep...that about sums it up....

Here's my little play by play...so that you really don't have to watch all 8 minutes of that train wreck...but oh...what a train wreck to watch!

Sibel - "If you screw me, your ass is gonna get burned"
- Does that mean that she has chlamydia?!

Tommy Hollywood - AKA...who the fuck has that many AKA's?!?  And note to Tommy...don't do the Screwdriver in public....it's embarrassing.  AKA - Annoying Idiot.

Robyn - "People will look up to me...I'm not a normal human being"  Yeah...look up to you...only because I think you're part Amazon woman...and not a normal human being...well...you said it, not me.  Yes, I would say it's abnormal for someone to let complete strangers motorboat them.

Karolina - "My strength is loyalty" ...you are aware that after you say that they show snippets of you kissing a dozen people ...right?!

Downtown D - "I'm always downtown...Friday, Saturday, Thursday maybe, Sunday possibly."  Hmm...is he aware that there are 7 days in a week?  Probably not...he's too busy doing push ups on a glass balcony to worry about those silly sorts of facts.

That said...I'll probably watch this train wreck...that is if it's actually on a TV channel that I can find...

What are your comments for them?

Canada Needs A New Holiday

Canada is technically a relatively new country. maybe that's why....

We have no exciting original holidays.

And yes, I know we have plenty of other holidays...but plenty of other places have Christmas, Halloween, Easter, and Thanksgiving.

I got to thinking last week when all of my UK blogger peeps were talking about Guy Hawkes Day. (Check out the festivities over a Mrs. Midnite if you'd like)

That's right. They have a holiday...one that involves fire and fireworks to commemorate

well, basically a terrorist attack.  Guy Fawkes and his posse wanted to oust the protestant King and put in a Catholic one. 

So why not make it a holiday.  My thoughts exactly!

The Mexicans get Cinqo de Mayo (yet another holiday derived from a battle)
The Chinese have Qing Ming (and another bazillion neat holidays) - OK...it's really not that exciting, but it's a holiday none the less to go and sweep the tombs of their ancestors.

Here in Canada...we don't have any of these holidays.  I suppose it can be argued thatsince we are multicultural there are people in Canada who celebrate these holidays here.

That's not what I'm looking for.  We need our own exciting holiday.  Yet another reason to party, have fireworks, and altogether drink to much alcohol. (or not...if that's not your style)

As you can tell I've been thinking...

a) Snow day - pick a day...and no it can't be "Family Day" because half the provinces don't even get that holiday.  But it can be a whole day centered around fun in the snow.

yes, I know it's ridiculously lame.

We need something more exciting. (and preferably in the hotter months)
and I suppose that technically we should base it on historical significance.  I mean that's what the rest of the countries did.

 Laura Secord Day - She was historically significant....and now she represents a candy store.  We could have a day off and gorge our selves on chocolates.

Brian Mulroney Day - basically you'd get the day off to sit on your ass and accomplish nothing.  oh...and you'd have to get paid for it too.

or maybe

 October Crisis Day - but then again, the rest of us Canadian would rather forget about that. 

So what new National Holiday do you think should Canada have?

Odd Girl Out

Sometimes, I just don't fit in here.

I know what you are all thinking...How is that possible?! A girl as stylish (haha) and trendy (even funnier) as you?  You've lived there most of your life?

Well it's true. I don't fit in this time of year....and it has nothing to do with being stylish or trendy.

The other day on the playground I overheard this conversation (and don't be giving me the side eye about eavesdropping, they were yelling across the playground.)

"So, did you get something today?"

Naturally, I assume that something is an order....because around here they are weekly happenings....you know an order for tupperware, sex toys (if you live around Calgary...here's the best party to get and she's one of my regular peeps on here...so maybe you can talk her into divulging her nickname), or scrapbooking supplies.  Yes, that's what The Real Housewives of Western Canada do.

But no, they weren't talking about sandwich containers, embossing powder, or glow in the dark lubricants.

Here was the answer shouted across the playground

"Yeah, I got myself a nice Whitetail mule-ly"

"Sweet"

Here....all I can think about is poor Bambi....
I sulk over to the other side of the playground so that I don't have to hear the  play by play of the murder....or see pictures.

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I'm not a hunter...or really outdoorswoman-y (ha...that's putting it mildly),

Yet plenty of the girls around town are...and there are no less than 3 pictures of ladies with their dead deer on my facebook page at any given time during hunting season.  Truthfully, I never know when hunting season is...until the pictures start popping up.

What goes on around where you live that you just can't get on board with?

What Qualifies For News In Parma

So, apparently this is the hot goss.



If you don't have the patience to watch it, it's basically about an 11 year old boy farting on the school bus.  Then he got detention over it.   He thought it was funny, what 11 year old boy doesn't?....wait a second....what man at any age doesn't find that amusing...don't ask me why, it must be something hardwired into men's DNA. 

Really?!  Detention for just farting, I mean when I was 11 I think there were a few boys who tried to fart along to Jingle Bells...I'm not kidding (and no, they didn't get detention.)  This poor kid doesn't even have any real "talent" to his farting...and he's still in trouble.

Obviously they missed that episode of Oprah.  You know, the one with Dr. Oz where he said that everybody passes gas something like 14 times a DAY. 

Apparently this is what PASSES for news around there.  (haha...I know, I crack myself up too!)

Moustache's Decoded

As some of you may know, it's Movember.

Basically, during Movember, men grow their facial hair to raise money. Really, it's a genius idea, far better than the 30 hour famine...I mean did you actually know anyone who truly didn't eat for 30 hours?!  (and besides they let you have juice...I understand the whole theory, just that it's incredibly flawed to expect a 12 year old to do those things....although truth be told, I never did it, my mom wouldn't let me :(

Anyways, back to moustaches.  Since I am so damn helpful, I thought I'd throw a few possibilities out there for you guys participating...or just if you feel like letting it grow.

First off, there's the classic Tom Selleck....really it's best worn by Tom Selleck or men over 50, but go ahead, be daring....

The Chin Strip

Really?!  This barely even counts as facial hair....what are you 12?  Grow something a little more substantial...if only for Movember!

Next up we've got the porn star.  Apparently that's the name of it...who knew?

Myself, I'm not partial to this one...

It's a little too "look at me"..yet not fully committed...

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(See, I told you I'd save his odd moustache for another rant)

But, if you really want the ladies to take notice (believe me, they'll notice you all right!),

the Snidely is for you.

The Snidely?

Oh....yes, have you not heard of the Snidely?

Well, Snidely Whiplash...the most famous villain....(OK...the most famous villain on Rocky and Bullwinkle, although Natasha gave him a run for his money on evilness.)

Here it is...the piece de resistance....(you must read that in a hoighty toighty french accent...or it just doesn't sound right!)

What?!  You don't think that The Snidely is "look at me" enough for you...

well, there is always this:

Yes, I know that I've completely neglected the hutterite, the mutton chops, the mountain man, the goatee, the soul patch and several others...we'll see...maybe next week!

So...what's your fave? 

What a CATastrophe!

I'm not sure why I end up with so many cat posts.  I'm more of a dog person myself....or a salamander person...but I'll save that for another post.

I try to have coffee with Arabella Apple Juice on a regular basis.  Due to this nasty cold/flu/cholera that I'm experiencing, it's been a while. 

A month ago or so she asked me to keep an eye out for anyone who may like an adult cat.  They had two cats and thought that they should ship the one off, because truthfully, it's really in it's own little world...and well there are other reasons, but if I listed them, you'd know who I was talking about...(that's right all you gossippy girls of town!)

So, I kept on the look out for anyone who might want a cat.  Although truthfully, I didn't look that hard, because I thought it was maybe just a phase and that Arabella might want to keep the cat after all.

A few weeks later, I returned for coffee.

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"Did you find someone to take the cat?"  I ask casually while thing 1 and thing 2 play about 6 ft from us.

"Shhhh...yes."

"Shhh...what?  why are we shhh-ing?" 

"He's gone....and the kids don't know." Arabella whispers

"What do you mean, the kids don't know?  How do they not notice a cat that's been here since before they were born has gone missing?"

"Yeah, I told you...the cat just does what he wants, he's never around anyways.  He'll be way happier with this other person.  They really wanted an older cat." 

"So...what's your plan?"  I logically inquire.

"Yeah...I don't think they'll notice.  But I've got a plan for this family supper on the weekend.  If someone asks about a cat....I'm going to say....CATaracts...yeah, I think she got them removed....you know, or something along those lines.  So I have to think up different CAT words, just in case someone mentions the cat."

"Or...you could tell the kids?"

"Let's think up CAT words..."

And so we did.
That is why Arabella is great.  Because how many people would devote 45 minutes to thinking up CAT words instead of saying "hey, we gave that annoying cat away."

So...let's hear 'em....CAT words?

Never Say No To A Panda

I've kindly stolen this post from Joey over at Black Book Project .  (With permission of course...what kind of person do you think I am?!)
Yes, I'm still a little sick...but mostly this post is awesome....

NEVER SAY NO TO A PANDA

I’ve hated panda bears ever since I read this article. There are teams of scientists, because zoo keepers generally have degrees in biology or veterinary medicine, some of them are even doctors, trying to get pandas to eat and fuck. Seriously. Do you know what happens when I put in a request to have a team of scientists work around the clock to ensure all I need to do is eat fattier foods and make the sweet love to all the sexiest females of my species?

Well, let me tell you Harvard, your laughter is hurtful and inappropriate.

Pandas do nothing all day long.

But imagine if they didn’t. Imagine if they had jobs. Say with, I don’t know, cheese companies? That would be awesome….


or see it here.


______________________

Thanks Joey!

Maybe It's Tuberculosis?

Ugh....I'm sick.

Now this happens to pretty much everyone in the course of a year, but truthfully I usually take Cold Fx at the first sign of any cold and banish it to the depths of hell before it even begins. 

I tried that this time, but it didn't work.

Instead, I ended up with this nasty cough, a sore throat, chills and a fever and an achy body. Yes, these are the common symptoms for the seasonal flu, however, I wouldn't be very diligent if i just left it at that, would I?

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So first I thought, I probably have Tuberculosis....bizarre...but true.  A doctor once told me he thought I could have tuberculosis when I was pregnant with baby #1.  Before that point in time, I thought it was basically a non-existent disease, since the only place I had ever even heard about it was on Road to Avonlea.   I didn't have it, however, from that moment on, my mind always goes back to tuberculosis whenever I don't feel well.

Once my kind husband talked me out of having tuberculosis....next up was Meningitis.  However, my neck was only kind of sore...and my fever came down with Tylenol.  And my husband reminded me that a) I've already had it and b) I had the vaccine for it too.

Then my bones were achy...super achy. Logically, I figured that I had probably contracted Dengue Fever...but I haven't been to the tropics as of late, so I even ruled that one out myself.

So, then naturally I figured, it was probably Strep Throat.  You know...because I talked to Olivetta Oppenbeam at the park and her kid had it a week ago.  Process of Elimination....Strep throat.

Only you aren't supposed to have a nasty cough with it.

Turns out it was the flu.  Not the pukey flu...that's technically not a true "flu" ... if you don't believe me I'll give you the number to the health nurse around these here parts and you can get the same lecture they give me every year.

And for those of you wondering why the hell didn't I just go to the doctor.  Well, that isn't quite how it works here.  I could go to the Emergency Room...which I hate doing...unless it's an actual emergency...then I'd have to wait in there for a few hours before the doctor would see me.  Then with my luck I'd end up with one of the doctors that is a super genius (because truthfully, I only like 2 of them...out of the 5..and I never end up with those 2).  I'd wait all that time for him to tell me that ...'Yes, you are sick.  It could be a cold, it could be tuberculosis, it could be pneumonia (ooo...I forgot about that one), or it could be the flu.  You should go home and get plenty of rest and fluids, and come back if it gets worse or continues to bother you.'  (because of course, I'm here because it's NOT bothering me!)

Besides, I'm sure my husband finds it much more exciting to hear about what bizarre illnesses I've contracted.

So, what bizarre disease do you end up getting?   and don't act like you are one of those level headed people...they never read my blog.

What's Your Favorite Color?

I went in to the hardware store to get paint yesterday.

It had a sign that said 'What's your favorite color?"

and then it proceeded to list all the colors and what it meant about you if you liked them.

Orange - You are outgoing, personable, and fun to be around

Red - You are probably physically fit, sexy, and love to please others

Anyways, you get the idea.

I thought, really?!  I highly doubt that.  Why do they always write crap like that.

Probably to make people feel better about themselves. 

Orange - You are weird.  Plain ol' weird.  You march to your own drum, mainly because other people don't like how you play your drum. (but if you like it, who cares?!)

Red - You are an angry person. That is what red means anger... or love.  Well you can be both...in fact you probably are.  And according to our nation health statistics, it is probably quite improbable for you to be physically fit...so if you are...you're the odd one out.

Blue - You veer towards depression, but since that is also rather prevalent in today's society, you probably veer towards there no more than someone who likes pink.  You like rainy days, but only if you have an umbrella-ella-ella.  You also like peanut butter...unless of course you are allergic to it.
Purple - you support gay rights...or you're the lady who works with Just Plain Tired and live under a rock and had no idea what purple meant.  Also, you wear too much perfume.

Green - You're earthy.  You probably like camping and bugs.  You fashion clothes out of leaves in your spare time.  You once dreamed of being an entomologist..or a movie star.

Black - You are in a state of either permanently wanting to be viewed as skinny or Gothic.  You probably write with a pen and hate erasers.

White - You love popcorn.  Some people think you are a good dancer, but you aren't (I can't say this for a fact, until I've seen you dance.) 

Yellow - Does anyone ever even pick yellow?!  It makes babies cry more...yellow rooms.  I read that once and I chose to believe it.  So if you like yellow, I'm not sure what that says about you, you make babies cry?! 

Yeah, I'm sure that is probably just as accurate as the other lists you see around.

So...do tell, what is your favorite color?!

Don't Look Now!

A road trip with Butter Ripple Liquorlips is truly like no other.

She always says the most ridiculous things.

Enjoying our rather scenic drive to the city and listening to each others music...finally after about an hour and a half of her tunes, I get to play one.  Butter Ripple says

"Do you know what this song needs...?'

"No, I don't" I reply

"It needs finger cymbals" says Butter Ripple

"What?!  Did you just say finger cymbals...Who even owns finger cymbals?!...that's ridiculous!"

"Well, I would own finger cymbals...if you bought them for me for my birthday."

"Yeah...I'll get all over that."

So it wasn't exactly out of the ordinary when she said

"Don't look now, but we are being followed by a pack of cats."

I quickly glance in the rear view mirror....no cats.  Then I do a full shoulder check...no cats.

'What?!  I don't see any freaking cats."

"Really?!  You can't see them, they're practically stalking us!"

I look again...but this is all I see

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"All I see is a bunch of power lines!"

"Exactly!!!  Don't you think they look like cats kinda?"

Well, I suppose that they kind of do....

Divine Affirmation

In your everyday life, sometimes, just sometimes there are signs from somewhere that let you know that you are on the right path in life.  Some people say that is what Deja vu is.  Anyways, no tales of deja vu here...just plain ol' slap you in the face divine affirmation.

As some of you know, since about 1987 I've overused the word Awesome.  It's true...perhaps also somewhat embarrassing, but true nonetheless.  If you need proof, here it is, I'm awesome.

On Saturday night I went out in the city with Butter Ripple Liquorlips, Stella Shutthefuckup, Viola En Vogue, and several other as of yet unnamed awesome people.  Now the four of us only get together about once every 3 years, so it makes the time extra special.  (When I say extra special I really mean extra amounts of alcohol, but don't tell anyone.)  However, I would like to say that I am the most responsible of the batch, (but then again saying that is like the quint who was born 32 seconds before the other four is the OLDEST!) 

We went out and did several ridiculously stupid things...which I'm opting not to mention, just in case there is some sort of legal ramifications for singing death threats in tune with the Karaoke song.  (That would be all about Stella.) Then Stella introduced me to her friend, when she introduced me, I said, "yeah, I'm the awesome one."  To which he replied..."more like double awesome."  (I know this seems to be extraneous information, but trust me...it's an integral part of the story)  (and by the way...it's pretty close to factual information, I've upgraded from awesome to double awesome...especially after a few drinks)

Needless to say the evening carried on... I can't even divulge the good stuff...because it's that bad.

The next morning I was having a little of drinkers remorse...you know the whole..."oh, right, yeah, I did say that"  and "wow, yep, I do remember claiming that guy was a member of a certain racist organization.  I didn't like him anyways."  So feeling a little down about the previous evenings theatrics, we all went for breakfast (I should add that I don't think anyone else was feeling down about it).   So we walked down the way to a place called Ricky's (excellent breakfast, btw)....that's when I knew I was on the right path and that the previous evenings activities were in fact meant to be.

TRIPLE AWESOME BENNIES

if that isn't divine affirmation...I don't know what is!

Urban Dictionary: From Spectacular to Scary

Urban Dicitonary

Onee in a while I have to venture on over to Urban dictionary, because I have no clue what something is...(this morning I had to go because I couldn't figure out that srsli was really seriously...where are vowels when you need them?)  Which got me to thinking that there are an awful lot of words over there some awesome....and the shocking majority rather disturbing.


The 5 words that I'm glad they've added:

1. Skankopotamus - a super slutty girl (and my favorite word of all time)

2.Mgock -English word meaning; rude but very true. To be slightly disrespectful, though not lying. (this will come in handy...I know it will)

3.Glomp - To hug with enthusiasm. To pretty much tackle someone in greeting.

4.Verbal Handcuffs - When someone won't stop talking (usually about a subject you have no interest in). The talker has verbally forced you to stand there there and listen, even though you have given many clues that you have checked out.


5. Dirttle - 1, a dirty turtle 2, a creepy, dirty man that you don't want coming up to talk to you at a bar (a dirty turtle?  I can't even speak to the levels of awesomeness on that one)


5 words I can do without...and come to think of it, wish I never knew...

1. srup - Canadian ghetto slang for "what's up." Derives from a portmanteau of "sup" and "syrup," as Canada is well known for being a major manufacturer of maple syrup.

(yeah, I'm Canadian...I've never heard of anyone saying this, least of all to be derived from the word syrup...maybe I'm not ghetto enough)
2. srrimage - shaving a dislexic harry crishna's balls so close to his scrot that he cnt sit down
( I am both confused and a little scared as to why this word was made up)

3. Dirtpipe milkshake - ew... double ew...go look it up...I can't even write it out here.

4. Scottish Napsack - A scottish Napsack is where, you place the male testicles on a persons eye sockets while they are sleeping, one testicle in each eye.
(who the hell comes up with this crap?!  and btw there are an awful lot of nasty Scottish things on Urban dicitonary...makes me never want to go to Scotland....creepy.)

5. I will never think of French Onion Soup the same way again.

Disturbing.

What is your favorite Urban Dictionary word?  least fave?

Yes, We Are Grown Women

 What happens when you put 8 ladies in a room with alcohol and a cut out of Robert Pattinson....?

Well, nothing good can come of this.(don't worry, there's photographic evidence to follow)

I belong to a small group of ladies, that from here on out will be referred to as "The Ladies."  The Ladies and I get together every month.  Each of us has a turn in hosting an evening throughout the year.  We do all sorts of things.  Go for dinner, drink, go to movies, drink, go on scavenger hunts, Amazing Races, and sometimes we drink.  (But truthfully, it's alot less drinking than I imply, because...well chances are at any given moment there are at least two ladies who are pregnant and/or nursing.) 

Last week it was my turn.  Being the hysterically funny person that I am...I bought a Robert Pattinson cardboard cut out.  Yes, it's true.  Just a little FYI, it was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life (except for when I was 8 and had to go to the doctor to get a sliver extracted from my hooha...note to self...don't slide down wood banisters.)  Anyways, the local video store (Jim's Video...that's right, there's no Blockbuster around these parts) has had a cardboard cutout of the Hollywood heartthrob for months.  I figure, being the awesome customer that I am, I'll take it off their hands for $29.99.  I stroll in to the store prepared to do my best 'I'm not sure who this guy is and I'm not some crazed woman who is going to dance nude with a cut out of a sparkly vampire' act.  When they inform me that these cut outs are a hot seller and that they keep having to order more in.  Seriously, I was as shocked as you are now.

I had been planning the purchase for weeks.  It's a small town and the rumour mill would be going crazy if someone saw me walk out of the store with the massive cut out of a sparkl-icious vampire (really since when do vampires sparkle?!).  Long story short...it folds up so that nobody knows that you are secretly carrying a vampire with you. 



And no, Twilight, was not my premise for the evening.  It was The Price Is Right...and he was a prize...well, just in case some one's husband was gone, then they didn't have to enjoy the wine alone.



Well the poor cardboard cut out didn't last the evening. 



After we all posed with him, we decided he needed to go to the bar (everyone knows that a silent and good looking man is priceless) .  Some jealous bitches tore our man up.  And by jealous bitches, I mean two drunk guys.





well, if this is the dumbest thing I do all year, I'm good.

p.s.  I'm in the purple...but my eyes looked crazed...so black out bar you get.

And for those ladies who are wondering where the hell your picture is...they didn't all turn out...and some of you weren't as enthusiastic as others. :(